reddanger
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| Joined: 27 May 2009 |
| Total Posts: 38075 |
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| 31 Jul 2014 04:20 AM |
Children walking down the street Men grabbing them by their cheeks Into the van they go To a faraway place, nobody knows Sweets and treats eating underneath Maybe they'll survive, but that's only a dream Lay them down, row by row Speak and you'll be the first to go Remember walk away from the creeps Or by tomorrow You'll be on the market Sold as fresh meat
ey
;) |
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Neostic
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| Joined: 11 Jul 2013 |
| Total Posts: 4733 |
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| 31 Jul 2014 04:22 AM |
| last few lines need a better flow |
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reddanger
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| Joined: 27 May 2009 |
| Total Posts: 38075 |
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| 31 Jul 2014 04:23 AM |
"flow"
i felt like fresh meat didn't get as good as a flow as the start
;) |
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Cyctorn
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| Joined: 18 Jun 2010 |
| Total Posts: 2222 |
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| 31 Jul 2014 04:24 AM |
its gud and gud is middle of my rate-a-thing-thing-in-a-really-lazy-grammar-free-machine |
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Akrylix
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| Joined: 13 Feb 2013 |
| Total Posts: 28442 |
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Litemare
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| Joined: 10 Jul 2011 |
| Total Posts: 50666 |
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Neostic
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| Joined: 11 Jul 2013 |
| Total Posts: 4733 |
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| 31 Jul 2014 04:27 AM |
| ye the last line needs 6 syllables |
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