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Re: The Greatest Revenge

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Shortstorywriter is not online. Shortstorywriter
Joined: 03 May 2013
Total Posts: 3023
27 Jun 2014 10:58 PM
The Greatest Revenge

When I awoke, it was abrupt, as though a cold hand had caressed me to wake me. I stared into the night, and my eyes slowly adjusted. I saw a pale face, surrounded by a dark robe. It was a face much like a humans, but with far more beauty, and far more terribleness, than a human face could muster.

It reached out its hand, and calm washed over me. I reached out, grabbed its hand, and suddenly was standing on the edge of an abyss. I could feel it staring into me, into my being, and into my very soul. I could feel it ripping me apart piece by piece, dissecting me so that it could see how I worked. Then, I felt its satisfaction at what it saw.

Then, I looked around me. There were pale figures, all featureless, moving towards the edge of the abyss. Then, they would attempt to cross. Some would make it, and then would be either consumed by fire or by light.

However, the majority would fade into the abyss. They would fall and slowly fade from sight. That was when the being next to me spoke.

“The bad go to the flame, and the good go to the light. However, the worst go to the abyss.”

I found myself almost unable to speak, but I finally gathered up the courage. “Who are the worst?”

“The worst are the nameless, those who don’t leave a mark on the world, good or bad. The bad at least influence the world in some way, and often cause a contingency of good to happen from their actions.”

“However, the nameless accomplish nothing. They leave nothing, no legacy, not a single thing. You see, if you truly hate somebody, you wouldn’t kill them, burn their house down, or target their family. That martyrs them. All you need to do is allow them to fade. Allow them to fade off into the darkness, into the Aether, out of people’s memories and hearts. That is the greatest revenge anybody can hope to achieve.”

“It is the greatest revenge for one simple reason. It is the greatest revenge because if you leave no mark on the world, your existence was meaningless. It did nothing, accomplished nothing. You have no legacy to speak of. Is that not a fate worse than death?”

And then I understood.

Thoughts? Suggestions? I want to get some feedback before posting it on my blog.


"That's just like, your opinion man." -The Dude
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BaronDymos is not online. BaronDymos
Joined: 14 Jan 2014
Total Posts: 1717
27 Jun 2014 10:59 PM
Only one small problem. I disagree totally.
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Shortstorywriter is not online. Shortstorywriter
Joined: 03 May 2013
Total Posts: 3023
27 Jun 2014 11:00 PM
Agree or disagree, that's not the point. The point is whether or not it's well written.

"That's just like, your opinion man." -The Dude
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PurringThunder is not online. PurringThunder
Joined: 23 Apr 2014
Total Posts: 16465
27 Jun 2014 11:03 PM
up past bedtime, it was worth it

just one little blunder, though
"It was a face much like a humans,"
I think you meant "a human's"


~Sudden wind, sharp as a knife, slaps your face. ~
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Shortstorywriter is not online. Shortstorywriter
Joined: 03 May 2013
Total Posts: 3023
27 Jun 2014 11:04 PM
Thank you Purring.

Good catch. Sometimes I slip a little when I'm tired, haha.

"That's just like, your opinion man." -The Dude
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PurringThunder is not online. PurringThunder
Joined: 23 Apr 2014
Total Posts: 16465
27 Jun 2014 11:07 PM
Oh, that's nothing

if you wanna see what I've been working on
http://www.roblox.com/Forum/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=136786870
I messed up badly in a few of those posts, but I don't have the time to sift through it and find my mistakes
Just, if you want to look, you'll see what I'm talking about


~Good night, this is my last post before bed ~
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Shortstorywriter is not online. Shortstorywriter
Joined: 03 May 2013
Total Posts: 3023
27 Jun 2014 11:13 PM
While I'm not a fan of animalistic stories, that was fairly decent. I only read through the first page, but here's my advice based on what I saw.

You need to use occasional dialogue tags, to put it the way that one guy put it. It gets confusing to the reader if you don't.

I would recommend having things happen a little quicker, something to really hook the readers interest.

Try adding more description. That tends to not only lengthen the story, but lengthen it with worthwhile content. Finding a good balance of being concise and being descriptive is key to writing a good story.

Other than those flaws, I thought it was rather well done. You seem to have a good writing voice, and overall it was decent.

"That's just like, your opinion man." -The Dude
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Shortstorywriter is not online. Shortstorywriter
Joined: 03 May 2013
Total Posts: 3023
27 Jun 2014 11:21 PM
Any other feedback?

"That's just like, your opinion man." -The Dude
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OTMoris is not online. OTMoris
Joined: 10 Jun 2014
Total Posts: 3588
27 Jun 2014 11:22 PM
"When I awoke, it was abrupt, as though a cold hand had caressed me to wake me."

Ok, it's gonna be one of THOSE stories. :P
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Shortstorywriter is not online. Shortstorywriter
Joined: 03 May 2013
Total Posts: 3023
27 Jun 2014 11:23 PM
@Moris- Haha, it's not as cliche as the first line suggests. Though I should probably change it. This is only a first draft, remember.

"That's just like, your opinion man." -The Dude
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OTMoris is not online. OTMoris
Joined: 10 Jun 2014
Total Posts: 3588
27 Jun 2014 11:24 PM
I wasn't saying it's cliched...
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Troublemaker3544 is not online. Troublemaker3544
Joined: 16 Jul 2011
Total Posts: 10508
27 Jun 2014 11:26 PM
TL;DR

-Trouble
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Shortstorywriter is not online. Shortstorywriter
Joined: 03 May 2013
Total Posts: 3023
27 Jun 2014 11:27 PM
@Moris- I know, I was. I didn't mean to suggest I was saying you were, I apologize.

"That's just like, your opinion man." -The Dude
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Auxiliatrix is not online. Auxiliatrix
Joined: 23 Nov 2012
Total Posts: 879
27 Jun 2014 11:28 PM
this should go on the p hub

*fedora tip* m'eme
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Shortstorywriter is not online. Shortstorywriter
Joined: 03 May 2013
Total Posts: 3023
27 Jun 2014 11:28 PM
@Aux- Wat.

"That's just like, your opinion man." -The Dude
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OTMoris is not online. OTMoris
Joined: 10 Jun 2014
Total Posts: 3588
27 Jun 2014 11:46 PM
Eeh. Is talking to me really like walking on thin ice? I was just making a joke about how the story sounded suggestive because of the "hand caressed" part... :x
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Shortstorywriter is not online. Shortstorywriter
Joined: 03 May 2013
Total Posts: 3023
27 Jun 2014 11:49 PM
@Moris- Oooohhh, my bad. I misunderstood. Most likely to my sheer tiredness right now.

No, it's not. Don't worry about it man, I always apologize for stuff like that. You seem cool enough, honestly.

Also, I'm sorry for calling you an 'insufferable, judgemental ass' in the other thread. It seems that you're not bad at all, honestly. That was just my emotions speaking at a knee jerk reaction.

"That's just like, your opinion man." -The Dude
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Auxiliatrix is not online. Auxiliatrix
Joined: 23 Nov 2012
Total Posts: 879
27 Jun 2014 11:52 PM
the p hub

*fedora tip* m'eme
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Shortstorywriter is not online. Shortstorywriter
Joined: 03 May 2013
Total Posts: 3023
27 Jun 2014 11:53 PM
@Aux- I know what you mean. Still, wat.

"That's just like, your opinion man." -The Dude
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Shortstorywriter is not online. Shortstorywriter
Joined: 03 May 2013
Total Posts: 3023
28 Jun 2014 12:14 AM
More feedback please?

"That's just like, your opinion man." -The Dude
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Shortstorywriter is not online. Shortstorywriter
Joined: 03 May 2013
Total Posts: 3023
28 Jun 2014 08:35 AM
Any feedback from morning OT?

"That's just like, your opinion man." -The Dude
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PurringThunder is not online. PurringThunder
Joined: 23 Apr 2014
Total Posts: 16465
28 Jun 2014 10:40 AM
Uh, back to my story
It gets better after the exposition
'it' being my writing and the plotline.
But thanks!


~Sudden wind, sharp as a knife, slaps your face. ~
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Shortstorywriter is not online. Shortstorywriter
Joined: 03 May 2013
Total Posts: 3023
28 Jun 2014 11:06 AM
No problem.

Also, here's the second draft of this story: http://www.roblox.com/Forum/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=138496227

"That's just like, your opinion man." -The Dude
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OTMoris is not online. OTMoris
Joined: 10 Jun 2014
Total Posts: 3588
28 Jun 2014 01:20 PM
No, you were correct, and I think "insufferable, judgmental ass" was a great way to articulate it.
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Shortstorywriter is not online. Shortstorywriter
Joined: 03 May 2013
Total Posts: 3023
28 Jun 2014 01:23 PM
@Moris- Well, I'm glad that you seem so fine with it, but honestly you were just stating your mind as everybody has the right to do. And I was wrong in fighting fire with fire. I should have just responded with kindness.

"That's just like, your opinion man." -The Dude
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