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Re: What Could've Been...

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birmie123 is not online. birmie123
Joined: 08 May 2014
Total Posts: 5893
26 Jun 2014 03:05 PM
Feedback please.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
As I stare into the sunset, sitting in the remains of my city of Elysium, I think back. I think back to my past, the thing that started this whole madness.

I think back to my foolish mistake of accepting the friendship of Men in Red, even after they raided our packages. How they betrayed me, my trust, and my city. How they unleashed bombs, slaughtering all in the city.

DAY ONE

"The construction of the settlement is going great, Mr.President." I say in a phone call. "Yes, I know that we should be weary of the natives. We already sent traders to see if they could find a way to communicate." I look out the window and stand, as people are prottesting. "Mr.President, one last thing." I go back to my chair. "We need a care package with food in it, our people are starving. Yes...thank you." The president hangs up. I phone in my second in command, Gregory. "We're getting a care package tommorow, and I want you to come with my to recieve it." I say to him. "Yes sir!" He replies with.
DAY TWO
As I crouch behind a tree Gregory, we look out the forest. Two men, both in red, are raiding the care package we request to be sent. "Who the hell are they...?" Gregory said in a concernced voice. Little did we know that these men would soon be the destruction of Elysium.

We run to the care package and yell "Who the hell are you? What are you doing with our package?!" A man looks back at us, and I will never forget the stare he gave. "Your package? Oh, we thought that this was...er...our package." He said, in a voice no one in their right mind would believe. "Well it's ours, now get the hell out, runt." Gregory yells, readying his weapon. "Afraid we're not too keen on doing that." The other man said with an evil grin. "Don't make us open fire..." I said, readying my weapon as well. "We have weapons of our own." One of them said, and they ducked for cover as they threw a grenade. "GET TO THE FOREST!" Gregory yells, and we retreat to the forest where we are still in rage of the two hostiles. "OPEN FIRE!" He yells again, and we begin firing from our cover of the trees. We hear shouts as a village nearby could hear the gunshots. "WATCH FOR THE CIVILIANS!" I yell as natives begin running to explore what is causing the noice. Suddenly we hear a yell from of the hostiles as we hit his ally. They retreat, one of them limping.

It's a short victory celebration, as the natives seem to be angered by the skirmish. We walk over to the care package and take what's left, and walk back to our city of Elysium.
____________________________________________________________________________________________
So what do you think? Bad?Good? Gosh Birm you are awful?
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birmie123 is not online. birmie123
Joined: 08 May 2014
Total Posts: 5893
26 Jun 2014 03:08 PM
oh god i realized a grammar mistake
frak
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2Doe is not online. 2Doe
Joined: 13 Jun 2014
Total Posts: 1465
26 Jun 2014 03:09 PM
ILIKEONIONION
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birmie123 is not online. birmie123
Joined: 08 May 2014
Total Posts: 5893
26 Jun 2014 03:10 PM
Appreciate it...I guess.
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bigmac40 is not online. bigmac40
Joined: 09 Jun 2008
Total Posts: 2205
26 Jun 2014 03:13 PM
ur fked. but, it seems pretty interesting to me, because it makes me want to hear about the other days. but needs a bit of polishing and maybe spacing out the dialog because it hurts my brain to be reading it like this after reading a book like this. besides that, a bit of polishing like i said.
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birmie123 is not online. birmie123
Joined: 08 May 2014
Total Posts: 5893
26 Jun 2014 03:15 PM
Well I noticed a few grammar mistakes and things I could've done already, and if people give enough good feedback I'd make the other days.
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birmie123 is not online. birmie123
Joined: 08 May 2014
Total Posts: 5893
26 Jun 2014 03:18 PM
bampity bump bump
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birmie123 is not online. birmie123
Joined: 08 May 2014
Total Posts: 5893
26 Jun 2014 03:24 PM
chicken bump
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jaguarazul is not online. jaguarazul
Joined: 09 Jul 2013
Total Posts: 2141
26 Jun 2014 03:26 PM
Fried chicken
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birmie123 is not online. birmie123
Joined: 08 May 2014
Total Posts: 5893
26 Jun 2014 03:27 PM
I'd say this epicly failed.
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captincook1998 is not online. captincook1998
Joined: 18 May 2010
Total Posts: 3028
26 Jun 2014 03:27 PM
It's okay.
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