generic image
Processing...
  • Games
  • Catalog
  • Develop
  • Robux
  • Search in Players
  • Search in Games
  • Search in Catalog
  • Search in Groups
  • Search in Library
  • Log In
  • Sign Up
  • Games
  • Catalog
  • Develop
  • Robux
   
ROBLOX Forum » Role-Playing
Home Search
 

Re: Is it okay to post a story here?

Previous Thread :: Next Thread 
Pruz is not online. Pruz
Joined: 11 Nov 2009
Total Posts: 31781
24 Jun 2014 08:27 PM
...and ask for a critiquing request for errors or improvements?
Report Abuse
Hugeboo322alt is not online. Hugeboo322alt
Joined: 14 Apr 2013
Total Posts: 3550
24 Jun 2014 08:27 PM
Yes
Report Abuse
vamking12 is not online. vamking12
Joined: 08 May 2010
Total Posts: 17651
24 Jun 2014 08:28 PM
Yes
Report Abuse
PurringThunder is not online. PurringThunder
Joined: 23 Apr 2014
Total Posts: 16465
24 Jun 2014 08:28 PM
Most definitely.


*Cue the evil grin*
Report Abuse
timpookie is not online. timpookie
Joined: 18 Aug 2011
Total Posts: 21924
24 Jun 2014 08:28 PM
Sure, why not?

͇B͇͇a͇͇n͇͇n͇͇a͇͇n͇͇a͇͇c͇͇h͇͇a͇͇i͇͇r͇͇ ͇͇1͇͇5͇͇K͇͇ ͇͇u͇͇n͇͇l͇͇e͇͇a͇͇s͇͇h͇͇e͇͇d͇!
Report Abuse
adspace44 is not online. adspace44
Joined: 03 Jun 2011
Total Posts: 477
24 Jun 2014 08:31 PM
No it isn't. You will be sued 1000000 dollars if you do. And banned from roblox. And a mod will go through the computer screen and kill you... joking lol
😈

[---adspace the awesome---]
Report Abuse
Pruz is not online. Pruz
Joined: 11 Nov 2009
Total Posts: 31781
24 Jun 2014 08:31 PM
Okay, here's Chapter 1 so far I guess.

I just stood there, on the second floor of my father's castle. I stared at what was on the floor: Blood. And my parents were lying there, motionless. I was suddenly about to burst into tears when I kneeled down in front of their bodies, staring at their faces. I cried in their blood, feeling as if I was dead, in their shoes and lying where they were.

It's hard to believe someone could survive something such as this, which my mother and father didn't. I inhaled.

I heard a pocketknife open as I knew it was coming from the back of me. I refused to turn around or I'd be dead. The knife was suddenly pushed slightly onto the back of my neck, which oozed around an ounce of blood but it still stood straight, at least it wasn't enough to hurt someone real badly.

I froze in place. If I moved, my parents wouldn't be the only ones lying on the ground. Maybe it hurt more than I thought it did. My parents had never let me experience pain before. The figure chuckled. I could tell it was a man. The knife poked a gash into the back of my neck, all purposely shaped into a curved symbol, kind of like an upside-down Omega symbol. My parents had the same markings on them as well. My mother's marking was on her wrist and my father's marking was on his ankle. It looked like it must have hurt. And now I am feeling the pain.

My neck bled slowly. I could feel the blood flowing downward, not even having to touch it. I didn't feel anything after that, or hear anyone, so I turned around. He was gone. I took one last glance and paced down the steps to tell the castle guards, but when I arrived at the bottom of the long winding staircase, the guards looked at me. There were two of them. One stood taller than the other. I was a tad shorter. The shortest guard ran over to me.

"Prince Leon, are you alright?" He grabbed a rag and quickly went to the castle fountain to soak it with water. He patted it down on the obscure looking marking for the blood to soak up. It hurt. My eyes started to water as I thought about my parents again.

"Oh, it's terrible Cordeau!" I winced as tears were pelted onto his dark blue coat.

"What happened?" Cordeau said. He rubbed my back. He didn't know what to do in situations like this. The only thing he knew about how to calm a child down was to rock him in his arms. But he was too young for that.

"My parents! They are-" I exhaled while I started to hyperventilate.

"Yes, the um, King and Queen?" Cordeau said again for verification. He sort of looked worried while he asked.

"Yes, a man killed him!" I paused. The guards ran upstairs to where I had started. The blood had not yet dried. Of course it wouldn't have. Royalty blood is everlasting. The tall guard noted that the markings were the same as mine. Cordeau looked worried.

They stared at my parents, like they were afraid of their blood, kind of like I had been. I don't blame them.

"Prince Leon, go to your room now!" A guard demanded. "We'll take care of this immediately!" Cordeau stated.

"But, I feel safe with you guys. You're not strangers. You're guards!" I exclaimed. I didn't want to have to leave them. Cordeau looked very agitated, his face always contained a hint of scorn,

"Go to your room at once!" He demanded.

Even though I was the prince, I obeyed his orders. He's older than I am. I respect him. That's why I respect my brother, Neal. He's king now.

I ran up the central stairs which were not very long. I sensed his eyes following right behind me. At least that's where I thought they were.

I took a turn into a semi-empty room which was large and contained nothing but a carpet and newly painted walls. I opened the doors on the left. It was my room.

There were blue walls. Mostly anything blue I could find was placed in my room. Usually, they were on my shelf, or shelves. I would consider it if you call it a shelf, since there were two conjoined shelves conveniently placed together. I usually contrast the blue with red all jumbled into the blue regions. Usually I add fabergé eggs here and there. At least nobody knew about them. Well, at least not yet.

I have always admired the tassels on the red and blue carpeting next to my full blue bed. It sets the contrast. I like almost anything contrasted. It set the room straight. My dad, or the previous King did not think so.

For the past hour, I got a bit bored lying on top of my bed so I started to sneak over towards my brothers room. It's interior was green and white. He kept everything straight. The room was just like mine except there was only one shelf and not two. I felt okay with that, I only use one of my shelves anyway.

I had been looking around, searching for my brother Neal, but I couldn't find him anywhere. I noticed that latched onto his closet there was a sheathed sword: My sheathed sword. I picked it up and unsheathed it. It was an iron sword with a cyan patterned dye outside of the sword, though some silver was visible. The sword also contained my name engraved onto the golden hilt. It looked like he had polished it. I smiled at my reflection in the metal portion of the sword. It didn't really need any polishing, I just polished it about nearly a week ago. I should still thank him for doing a good job, but he wasn't around for me to thank.

I then sighed and started to head towards the door when suddenly another blade gets pointed towards my throat just as last time. This time however, the figure was different. It was a woman.

"Don't move!" She demanded, keeping her knife aimed at me. I just stood there. Any moment I had to keep losing, the more I painful my death would be. I stared into her eyes as I swiped my feet under her to trip her. As she fell she had dropped her knife. In the process, I lifted my cyan sword above my head and down to her neck. I stopped there.

"How did you get here and what do you want?" I asked quite aggressively now. Hopefully she couldn't see my cowardice. She stared into my eyes like hypnosis, but it was no hypnosis.

"I came through the roof, and my mission is now to serve you." She exclaimed.

"To what?" I asked, feeling very confused.

"You bested me at my own game so I now shall do whatever you say my lord." She took off her black mask and started bowing down to me.

I didn't like this. Would this mean that she's my slave until death?

Furthermore, she looked stunningly beautiful. Her light brown hair came down like the sun's rays. I couldn't just take her in as a slave.

"Arise," I demanded.

She did as told. I looked at myself as if I was the king. I paused to gain control of myself.

"Now you don't have to call me 'Lord' or 'Master'." I explained.

"Then what am I supposed to call you, your majesty?" She asked politely.

"Just call me-" I paused for a moment. "Just call me Leon." I beamed a smile as we both exited Neal's bedroom and were headed downstairs.

In the process, as we reached the bottom of the stairs, Cordeau and the other guard stopped us.

"Halt!" The other guard said. Cordeau squinted at us as usual. "Who is this girl and how did she get in?" the guard frowned at us.

"Uh," I paused. "This is uh-" I paused and she filled it in.

"-My name is Cilia," She said "and the prince brought me in as a guest. He's bringing me out." Cordeau smiled,

"Good job Leon." Cordeau smiled again as he led her near the door.

"Wait!" I yelled. "I need to bring her home." I demanded. Cordeau rolled his eyes.

"Fine, I'll call the royal horse, and you better be back immediately!" Cordeau finally stated as he mimicked a whistle with his hands and blew softly, making a beautiful sound.
Report Abuse
Hugeboo322alt is not online. Hugeboo322alt
Joined: 14 Apr 2013
Total Posts: 3550
24 Jun 2014 08:33 PM
A little rushy on the plot, but good so far.
Report Abuse
Pruz is not online. Pruz
Joined: 11 Nov 2009
Total Posts: 31781
24 Jun 2014 08:36 PM
Well it's not really the máîñ conflict.
Report Abuse
Pruz is not online. Pruz
Joined: 11 Nov 2009
Total Posts: 31781
24 Jun 2014 08:38 PM
I barely even got into the story yet.

It's not enough for an official chapter but it's close I guess.

Hopefully it'll become a book in the end.

Don't steal it, I have copyright on it and everything.
Report Abuse
adspace44 is not online. adspace44
Joined: 03 Jun 2011
Total Posts: 477
24 Jun 2014 08:39 PM
Copyright eh?
Report Abuse
byrondude16 is not online. byrondude16
Joined: 26 Nov 2011
Total Posts: 1476
24 Jun 2014 08:41 PM
It feels too... calm in the kingdom after the king and queen were stabbed. While you have these characters panicking, you don't describe the rest of the castle, leaving a blank spot in the imagination. The protagonist also seems to be only minorly affected by his parents deaths (near the ending), and there isn't any urgency in his actions.
Report Abuse
Hugeboo322alt is not online. Hugeboo322alt
Joined: 14 Apr 2013
Total Posts: 3550
24 Jun 2014 08:43 PM
Unless the king and queen were gods gift to the earth
most people would treat is as a common thing
Report Abuse
byrondude16 is not online. byrondude16
Joined: 26 Nov 2011
Total Posts: 1476
24 Jun 2014 08:45 PM
Oh, okay.
Report Abuse
vamking12 is not online. vamking12
Joined: 08 May 2010
Total Posts: 17651
24 Jun 2014 08:46 PM
Rushed that's the feel.
Report Abuse
Pruz is not online. Pruz
Joined: 11 Nov 2009
Total Posts: 31781
24 Jun 2014 08:56 PM
Thanks for the suggestions. I will post a chapter 2 in a few minutes.
Report Abuse
Pruz is not online. Pruz
Joined: 11 Nov 2009
Total Posts: 31781
24 Jun 2014 09:05 PM
We set foot outside of the big double doors. I looked on the ground. Grass. It's been a long time since I have stepped outside. I don't even remember stepping outside before. Maybe when I was a tike, but not since after that. Now it felt nice. The air felt humid and warm. The leaves were falling. It's a wondrous sight since I rarely even take a chance to look out my window.

"So..." I paused to look at her. "Where to?" Cilia gazed at me for a brief second.

"This is where I take the reigns." She said as we switched sides. I almost took a tumble as she motioned the horse to take a sharp turn West, but I still held onto the saddle and part of the reigns that Cilia dropped.

I looked around. The area was getting too congested with trees that I could barely even see the sky. A couple of minutes later I asked her where we were going. She didn't answer. She either couldn't hear me because of the gusts of wind or that she was intentionally trying to ignore me. I sighed as I looked around to see no village in sight. I don't even think I am permitted to go this far without one of the guards with me.

The sky turned black as I lay asleep on the horse. Raymo was what we called him. I loved him since he was a small colt. I still love him now.

There was a blanket of leather on top of me which Cilia obviously could have put on me, but she wasn't on top of the horse. The reigns were tied to a post as she was standing about ten meters from. She looked up. She was in a tiled area with tiled walls and floors. Vines wrapped around most of the ground and walls, which really creeped me out a bit. I chose to ignore it.

"What is your service here?" A heavy voice came from one of the slits on the wall. Cilia stared at the wall blankly. She reached out her hand and it emitted a bright but dull light. I stared at it from on top of Raymo. It was a strange gas, but I decided to shield myself from it. It seems to take some effect on human skin. Do it helped me to avoid that.

Cilia seemed to be still emitting the gas from her hands. It creeped over to Raymo. He began to sparkle eerily. Raymo just stared at me, which scared me at first. Then suddenly two wings sprouted from the torso of the horse. He neighed and whinnied. I gasped in astonishment. I couldn't believe it. She had Imperium. I've never seen or witnessed the power of Imperium before. I stared at the lights that emitted from her hands.

It seemed strange, but not if you actually think about it. Imperium is when you hold absolute power, like her. She has it but I don't, which got me a little disappointed. I mean why her? I should be the one with Imperium!

The tiled walls slowly creaked open as the green gas diminished. She gave a quaint smile and galloped back towards the horse as she guided Raymo towards the entrance. It appeared to be dark. Once inside I uncovered myself. I stared at her, frowning.

"You didn't tell me you were 'that' kind of a person." I gave my best poker face as she turned to look at me. She jumped and turned towards me as the horse turned and stopped.

"Yeah, I thought you would've killed me. I thought you'd still be asleep still. So I proceeded." Cilia replied. I just quaintly looked at her. I didn't say anything. "Stay here." She slowly said, getting off the horse.

"Will I need to cover myself again?" I asked. Cilia shrugged.

"No, I guess not." She stated, giving a quick smile.

She waltzed into a room which was out of reach so I couldn't see. I sighed and thought everything would be alright, so I was about to doze off to sleep as Raymo let out a slight whimper. I smiled, barely to look up again. Raymo stared at me, almost appearing to give a wink. I then smiled back, not paying any attention and drifted off to sleep.

----------------------------

I woke up again. I appeared to be on the floor of the eerie tiled ground. Raymo had somehow disappeared because I didn't see him around.

I didn't see Cilia as well. Was she still behind the wall? I know this is considered snooping, but I checked around the corner. I saw a lot of halls. These halls somehow looked vaguely like groups of puzzles. I looked around. This room looked like it had blue tiled walls and everything. The door shut behind me and a water leak came in from the ground. I turned back to the puzzle. There was a hole in the middle. There was an upside-down doorway that opened above me. It seemed unreachable.

I glared at the ground. The water had reached the bottom of my knees.

I noticed a circular sized hole in the ground with a small fountain inside of it. It seemed like the strange liquid erupted from the spot. I stepped on it. It seemed to crumble a bit. I used one of the pieces of marble to plug up one of the holes that erupted the unknown ooze.

I picked it up. It seemed very heavy: it was. I raised it above the screw and started turning it clockwise. It worked, and permanently stopped the flow. I looked around. Two more to go and the liquid was still rising. It was up to my hips this time.

I picked up another piece of rubble and stopped another section from erupting. There was a crack on the ceiling, it kept splitting apart. 'Holy crap' I thought, seeing as if the ceiling broke before me.

The rubble got me closer to the doorway, but I still couldn't reach the ledge that led towards the exit. Trying to stay away from the liquid, I gasped for air. Then, there was no air left. I felt like I left the world thinking about my parents. Goodbye, father... Mother... I wept as I drowned inside the liquid.

-----------------------------

I awoke, my eyes a bit grey or periwinkle colored. I blinked. I saw a guy with black hair adding an eye drop towards my eye. It stung. I would've scratched it with my arm, but I felt paralyzed. I couldn't move. The liquid could've been a paralyzer of some sort. I felt weak at the moment however.

Was I still dead? No, I could still see. What was this I'm feeling? I could blink, but I couldn't move, which felt strange to me. I tried moving my lips, which I did, but I couldn't form words. All that came out of my mouth were tiny bits of gibberish.

I blinked again, moving my eyes. I noticed Cilia talking to the guy who applied the eye drops. They were mainly just hovering above me.

Tears formed in my eyes. I hated eye drops, so that could've been the affect.

Cilia stared at me. Did they think I was still asleep. She leaned in and puckered her lips as kissed me. I groaned as that was the best that could have formed out of my mouth. I smiled.

She looked at me in shock as I had surely passed out again.

-----------------------------
Report Abuse
erinparkle444 is not online. erinparkle444
Joined: 27 Nov 2011
Total Posts: 182
24 Jun 2014 09:19 PM
Nice story!
Report Abuse
Pruz is not online. Pruz
Joined: 11 Nov 2009
Total Posts: 31781
24 Jun 2014 09:22 PM
Thanks.
Report Abuse
erinparkle444 is not online. erinparkle444
Joined: 27 Nov 2011
Total Posts: 182
24 Jun 2014 09:35 PM
When's the Next part? This story seems so Epic!
Report Abuse
Pruz is not online. Pruz
Joined: 11 Nov 2009
Total Posts: 31781
24 Jun 2014 09:42 PM
Hmm, maybe tomorrow morning.
Report Abuse
erinparkle444 is not online. erinparkle444
Joined: 27 Nov 2011
Total Posts: 182
24 Jun 2014 09:45 PM
Ok.
I'm planning on making a Story on this Forum too at some point when I get the chance.
Report Abuse
Pruz is not online. Pruz
Joined: 11 Nov 2009
Total Posts: 31781
24 Jun 2014 09:49 PM
Okay, I'll be sure to critique that as well.
Report Abuse
erinparkle444 is not online. erinparkle444
Joined: 27 Nov 2011
Total Posts: 182
24 Jun 2014 09:51 PM
C:
Report Abuse
Pruz is not online. Pruz
Joined: 11 Nov 2009
Total Posts: 31781
25 Jun 2014 11:36 AM
I heard voices, but I just couldn't wake up. My eyes were too weary. I tried opening my eyes, but I just couldn't. They automatically shut. When I opened them I saw a group of people surrounded around my body. I was a bit frightened because I didn't know what they were going to do to me. I felt something touch my face. It didn't feel like a hand, or that it hurt; It just felt like something I've experienced before, which scared me. When I awoke, my eyes felt refreshed or something of the sorts, however I felt a little burning sensation in my heart.

It hurt. It really hurt. It felt like it scorched in me right to the core.

I didn't see anyone, I appeared to be in between a rock and a hard place. I shivered again. My eyes had a gray tint to them, just as before. It felt natural, like it was meant to be like that.

It really wasn't.

I had the sudden urge to cry, which I haven't had the slightest idea why. A moment later I cried again.

"Mother, father, where are you?" I whispered to myself. I couldn't just shake the fact that they were gone. I just couldn't take it. I needed answers!

No matter how cute Cilia was, she didn't give me what I needed. I sobbed. I wasn't in any of the hallucinations I had appeared to be in. I forced myself to stop crying: to get a grip. I had done so. I just sat there, lying motionless, thinking about my life so far.

I remember when I was young I used to be unpopular in school at first. I was always appeared to be the weak one. The one who picked on me was... I paused.

Cilia.



This made me shiver however, as I was the person who wanted to help her anyway. I thought for a moment as a bright shard of an arrow whizzed passed me. I looked to my right, or where it landed. I shifted upward and turned around at the shooter. I suddenly recognized this person. He was about three inches taller than me. Not just that, but I remember him from somewhere. I looked surprised. It was the man who killed my parents. I positioned my right hand at the side of my waist, but only for a moment, gasped when I realized when I had passed out that my sword and sheathe must have been taken. That's another reason I am starting to untrust Cilia.

"Sorry about your parents." The man said jokingly. "You'll meet them again soon, as soon as I finish you." He replied. He unsheathed his sword which looked a bit familiar. I didn't want to die to see my parents. I wanted to see them in the flesh, well, and alive.

"You fiend!" I yelled ferociously at him. "Wait till my brother hears about you!" I tried saying holding back a tear, and staying proud to hide back the fear I still had. "He would get rid of you and banish you from the kingdom. Thus then you'd be gone and banished forever, and you would rot like the insignificant little bastard you are.

"Oh Leon, you don't know who I am?" He asked, positioning his sword as he did me before. This time, actually stabbing my flesh harder than before. "You know too much about the Imperium as well. This is another reason to finish you off. No one should ever know we have Imperium, and we'd like to keep it that way." He paused, and pushed his knife harder than before in the front of my neck. Of course blood was dripping, more and more ounces than before.

"I..." A tear fell from my face. He knew the fear I was in, as it felt like his mind was powered through fear itself. He could feel my fear. I felt parylized, thus was why I couldn't move. I felt numb.

"Go on." The man said. "Say your final words. Let them be your final words you ever speak." He was serious, I was going to die, and speak the last words I would ever speak.

"I..." I gulped, trying to back away from the point of the sword as I felt the blood crunch through my asophagus. No use, he pushed it right back. This time, farther. At this point, I was bawling. A prince should never cry as much as this. Not as much to save his kingdom.



"CRUNCH."

I heard the man's bones separate as I notice another arrow lunge right through him. I gasped and used my shirt to remove the blood from the wound. I looked to see who the shooter was as well. It was none other than Cordeau. The man disappeared into the midst of the mist of the lake I was nearby. Cordeau ran up to me and took out his hand to raise me up.

I grabbed the man's sword that was left behind which looked oddly familiar, and thrusted it into Cordeau's hand. The result? Blood.

"No..." I whispered. "Stay away from me..." I whispered again and Cordeau ejected his hand back away from the sword that gashed his hand. Blood was my strength, I seemed to like it.

He screeched as he yeilded saying anything. He spoke a few words however, "Leon, what has happened to you?" He gazed at me in fright. I could see the fear in his eyes.I look over my shoulder towards him. I just watched him as he slowly dropped towards the ground. Trying to pry himself back up, he slams face-first back into the grass, lifeless. I then seemed to lower my guard.

I looked around and noticed nobody was around to witness it, so I stood. I walked over to the nearby lake, unequiped my armor and decided to go for a swim. It would ease my pain around my neck area and wash away the blood anyway. I felt the sandy bottom meet my dry feet. The water had an impact towards parts of my hurt places. It was around my chest area as I walked further in the water. It hit my neck. It stung, but only for a short while. I practiced my swordsmanship as well. Well, without the sword. I thought it was good practice for any upcoming attacks.

I wasn't as good with a sword as I thought I was, but practicing does make a difference.

A couple of minutes later, I exited the pool and placed the top portion of my armor above my head, which was obviously the headpiece. I looked at my gash. It looked as though it wasn't disappearing at all. I guess it would heal slowly anyway. I shouldn't rush it to begin with. I equipped the rest of my current armor pieces as well. I waited to get dry, this time standing upwards. Moments later, a kid about 2 inches taller than me approached. He didn't look familiar however. I readied the sword that killed my parents, about to stab the guy's chest.

"Wait!" He yelled at me. I quickly dropped my guard as I decided to let him speak, noticing that he was one of the two men in my visions.

"I saw what you did back there, and I'd have to say, you showed an act of cowardice, not fighting that guy back." He inhaled and exhaled again, continuing on with his sentence. "But, you came back by killing one of your own kind. So I respect you." He said as he gave a short bow.

"So you have Imperium." I said, remembering he was with Cilia at the start.

"Well no." He replied back. "Name's Mo, I just provide medicine. I am a herbalist, if you would like to call it that Prince Leon." I looked at him as a smile returned on my face.

"Please..." I replied, keeping my smile, "...just call me Leon."
Report Abuse
Previous Thread :: Next Thread 
Page 1 of 1
 
 
ROBLOX Forum » Role-Playing
   
 
   
  • About Us
  • Jobs
  • Blog
  • Parents
  • Help
  • Terms
  • Privacy

©2017 Roblox Corporation. Roblox, the Roblox logo, Robux, Bloxy, and Powering Imagination are among our registered and unregistered trademarks in the U.S. and other countries.



Progress
Starting Roblox...
Connecting to Players...
R R

Roblox is now loading. Get ready to play!

R R

You're moments away from getting into the game!

Click here for help

Check Remember my choice and click Launch Application in the dialog box above to join games faster in the future!

Gameplay sponsored by:
Loading 0% - Starting game...
Get more with Builders Club! Join Builders Club
Choose Your Avatar
I have an account
generic image