|
| 23 Jun 2014 12:52 PM |
Calm. I was calm as a bee. I was standing on fresh, healthy grass. The humongous trees were in the horizon. The trees were calm. Calm. There were cows grazing in the distance. The cows were calm. Calm. They were so calm that I couldn't even here them mooing. It looks like I was deaf. The winds were calm. My hair wasn't even flopping around, or shaking. There it was, on top of my head. Calm. I saw mountains in the horizon. Full of white, puffy snow. There were wolves with their pups. They were all calm. I saw the Sun. It sparkled like fireworks. It was beautiful. The sun didn't move. It was right there, asleep. The sun, was calm. I was lakes, full of water. The lakes were next to the mountains, glistening. The lake didn't have no waves. It was calm. Calm. Then I saw the clouds. White as snow, moving at about 20 miles per hour. They didn't collide with each other. They were careful. It looked like a baby playing with a ball, or two men playing tennis. It was beautiful. And the clouds were calm. I looked far in the distance. I saw the ocean. No humongous waves. It was calm, like the lakes. It was calm. I saw the whole earth. People were asleep in buildings, hotels, and houses. They, were calm. They were calm, as a bee. Calm.
[You may send replies of how I did with the story. I may even start a RP.] |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
|
| 23 Jun 2014 12:55 PM |
| More poem than story, mon. |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
|
| 23 Jun 2014 12:55 PM |
| Oh, okay. I thought it was a story. |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
| |
|
Millicus
|
  |
| Joined: 04 Sep 2013 |
| Total Posts: 1945 |
|
|
| 23 Jun 2014 12:59 PM |
can't even be arsed to read that because:
1) how many times you used the word calm
2) looks too intimidating, split it into paragraphs you fool |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
|
| 23 Jun 2014 01:01 PM |
| Okay, thanks for the feedback. But please don't be that mean. I'm a beginner. |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
vamking12
|
  |
| Joined: 08 May 2010 |
| Total Posts: 17651 |
|
| |
|
| |
|
Millicus
|
  |
| Joined: 04 Sep 2013 |
| Total Posts: 1945 |
|
|
| 23 Jun 2014 01:04 PM |
not being mean but listen
it's not a story
it's just saying everything is calm, i can interpret that into another story myself
i was calm, my friend bob was calm, roblox was calm, the sky was calm, the pencil was calm, my fingers typing this were calm, my face is calm, calm was calm, and vamking was not calm
|
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
|
| 23 Jun 2014 01:05 PM |
| Oh, okay. Thanks for the tip! |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
Millicus
|
  |
| Joined: 04 Sep 2013 |
| Total Posts: 1945 |
|
|
| 23 Jun 2014 01:07 PM |
no problem, if you want i could give you a few more tips c:
|
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
| |
|
|
| 23 Jun 2014 01:08 PM |
| Oh, and it's fine. You do what you want. If you want to give more tips, you can. |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
Millicus
|
  |
| Joined: 04 Sep 2013 |
| Total Posts: 1945 |
|
|
| 23 Jun 2014 01:14 PM |
well, alright then
• Grammar -Paragraphs are definitely needed, otherwise people will be put off. I know it's not that long, but it's intimidating, like I said.
• Technique -Give it a more interesting title, something that'll catch a reader's eye. Do not use symbol generators, though, I repeat, do not use symbol generators! A lot of roleplayers are put off by this. -Give it more thought, not some 5 minute thing about everything being calm. -How would that be a story? You even mentioned it may be turned into a RP. What would even happen? It would be you just saying it was a calm day.
• Pros -It's nice enough, an original idea, I guess, but it needs more work. -Great grammar, apart from the problem mentioned at the start.
• Cons -Mentioned above in Technique & Grammar
Overall, great work though! |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
|
| 23 Jun 2014 01:16 PM |
Thanks! :D
It was just that I didn't have much ideas. This was actually based off a comment on Youtube o.o |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
Millicus
|
  |
| Joined: 04 Sep 2013 |
| Total Posts: 1945 |
|
| |
|
DanielVox
|
  |
| Joined: 15 Sep 2013 |
| Total Posts: 795 |
|
| |
|
| |
|
|
| 23 Jun 2014 01:32 PM |
| As some others have said, this isn't quite a story as it lacks a plot. The word "calm" is repeated many times in this piece of writing. For all I know, this was intentional, but, if not, you might want to try some synonyms of the word. Also, I see a double negative: "The lake didn't have no waves." However, I think it's fine if that's how your narrator would say it. You were very descriptive. Your descriptions paint a picture of a very tranquil scene. :) |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
| |
|
| |
|
LordWez
|
  |
| Joined: 05 Jan 2012 |
| Total Posts: 519 |
|
|
| 23 Jun 2014 01:41 PM |
| Many people have said this but a bit of overuse of calm. However, I enjoyed the fact that some of them were single sentences with single words but tried to make paragraphs instead of one big block so it's easier to read. |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
|
| 23 Jun 2014 01:42 PM |
| Oh, okay. Thanks for the feedback! |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
|
| 23 Jun 2014 01:44 PM |
synonyms would be better than overusing one word (calm)
II: I scream and shout And let it out When I'm in Marching Band :II |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
|
| 23 Jun 2014 01:45 PM |
| tranquil, peaceful, google other words... |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|