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Re: Calm

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ReleasedHeros is not online. ReleasedHeros
Joined: 10 Jun 2014
Total Posts: 170
23 Jun 2014 12:52 PM

Calm. I was calm as a bee. I was standing on fresh, healthy grass. The humongous trees were in the horizon. The trees were calm. Calm. There were cows grazing in the distance. The cows were calm. Calm. They were so calm that I couldn't even here them mooing. It looks like I was deaf. The winds were calm. My hair wasn't even flopping around, or shaking. There it was, on top of my head. Calm. I saw mountains in the horizon. Full of white, puffy snow. There were wolves with their pups. They were all calm. I saw the Sun. It sparkled like fireworks. It was beautiful. The sun didn't move. It was right there, asleep. The sun, was calm. I was lakes, full of water. The lakes were next to the mountains, glistening. The lake didn't have no waves. It was calm. Calm. Then I saw the clouds. White as snow, moving at about 20 miles per hour. They didn't collide with each other. They were careful. It looked like a baby playing with a ball, or two men playing tennis. It was beautiful. And the clouds were calm. I looked far in the distance. I saw the ocean. No humongous waves. It was calm, like the lakes. It was calm. I saw the whole earth. People were asleep in buildings, hotels, and houses. They, were calm. They were calm, as a bee. Calm.

[You may send replies of how I did with the story. I may even start a RP.]
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jaguarazul is not online. jaguarazul
Joined: 09 Jul 2013
Total Posts: 2141
23 Jun 2014 12:55 PM
More poem than story, mon.
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ReleasedHeros is not online. ReleasedHeros
Joined: 10 Jun 2014
Total Posts: 170
23 Jun 2014 12:55 PM
Oh, okay. I thought it was a story.
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ReleasedHeros is not online. ReleasedHeros
Joined: 10 Jun 2014
Total Posts: 170
23 Jun 2014 12:58 PM
Bump.
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Millicus is not online. Millicus
Joined: 04 Sep 2013
Total Posts: 1945
23 Jun 2014 12:59 PM
can't even be arsed to read that because:

1) how many times you used the word calm

2) looks too intimidating, split it into paragraphs you fool
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ReleasedHeros is not online. ReleasedHeros
Joined: 10 Jun 2014
Total Posts: 170
23 Jun 2014 01:01 PM
Okay, thanks for the feedback. But please don't be that mean. I'm a beginner.
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vamking12 is not online. vamking12
Joined: 08 May 2010
Total Posts: 17651
23 Jun 2014 01:02 PM
Pretty good.
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ReleasedHeros is not online. ReleasedHeros
Joined: 10 Jun 2014
Total Posts: 170
23 Jun 2014 01:03 PM
Thanks vam.
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Millicus is not online. Millicus
Joined: 04 Sep 2013
Total Posts: 1945
23 Jun 2014 01:04 PM
not being mean but listen

it's not a story

it's just saying everything is calm, i can interpret that into another story myself

i was calm, my friend bob was calm, roblox was calm, the sky was calm, the pencil was calm, my fingers typing this were calm, my face is calm, calm was calm, and vamking was not calm

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ReleasedHeros is not online. ReleasedHeros
Joined: 10 Jun 2014
Total Posts: 170
23 Jun 2014 01:05 PM
Oh, okay. Thanks for the tip!
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Millicus is not online. Millicus
Joined: 04 Sep 2013
Total Posts: 1945
23 Jun 2014 01:07 PM
no problem, if you want i could give you a few more tips c:
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ReleasedHeros is not online. ReleasedHeros
Joined: 10 Jun 2014
Total Posts: 170
23 Jun 2014 01:07 PM
Bump.
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ReleasedHeros is not online. ReleasedHeros
Joined: 10 Jun 2014
Total Posts: 170
23 Jun 2014 01:08 PM
Oh, and it's fine. You do what you want. If you want to give more tips, you can.
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Millicus is not online. Millicus
Joined: 04 Sep 2013
Total Posts: 1945
23 Jun 2014 01:14 PM
well, alright then

• Grammar
-Paragraphs are definitely needed, otherwise people will be put off. I know it's not that long, but it's intimidating, like I said.

• Technique
-Give it a more interesting title, something that'll catch a reader's eye. Do not use symbol generators, though, I repeat, do not use symbol generators! A lot of roleplayers are put off by this.
-Give it more thought, not some 5 minute thing about everything being calm.
-How would that be a story? You even mentioned it may be turned into a RP. What would even happen? It would be you just saying it was a calm day.

• Pros
-It's nice enough, an original idea, I guess, but it needs more work.
-Great grammar, apart from the problem mentioned at the start.

• Cons
-Mentioned above in Technique & Grammar

Overall, great work though!
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ReleasedHeros is not online. ReleasedHeros
Joined: 10 Jun 2014
Total Posts: 170
23 Jun 2014 01:16 PM
Thanks! :D

It was just that I didn't have much ideas. This was actually based off a comment on Youtube o.o
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Millicus is not online. Millicus
Joined: 04 Sep 2013
Total Posts: 1945
23 Jun 2014 01:16 PM
wow, haha.

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DanielVox is not online. DanielVox
Joined: 15 Sep 2013
Total Posts: 795
23 Jun 2014 01:24 PM
It's good..
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ReleasedHeros is not online. ReleasedHeros
Joined: 10 Jun 2014
Total Posts: 170
23 Jun 2014 01:25 PM
Thanks!
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ProfessorJenny1513 is not online. ProfessorJenny1513
Joined: 28 May 2013
Total Posts: 1
23 Jun 2014 01:32 PM
As some others have said, this isn't quite a story as it lacks a plot. The word "calm" is repeated many times in this piece of writing. For all I know, this was intentional, but, if not, you might want to try some synonyms of the word. Also, I see a double negative: "The lake didn't have no waves." However, I think it's fine if that's how your narrator would say it. You were very descriptive. Your descriptions paint a picture of a very tranquil scene. :)
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ReleasedHeros is not online. ReleasedHeros
Joined: 10 Jun 2014
Total Posts: 170
23 Jun 2014 01:32 PM
Bump.
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ReleasedHeros is not online. ReleasedHeros
Joined: 10 Jun 2014
Total Posts: 170
23 Jun 2014 01:33 PM
Thanks, Jen :D
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LordWez is not online. LordWez
Joined: 05 Jan 2012
Total Posts: 519
23 Jun 2014 01:41 PM
Many people have said this but a bit of overuse of calm. However, I enjoyed the fact that some of them were single sentences with single words but tried to make paragraphs instead of one big block so it's easier to read.
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ReleasedHeros is not online. ReleasedHeros
Joined: 10 Jun 2014
Total Posts: 170
23 Jun 2014 01:42 PM
Oh, okay. Thanks for the feedback!
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PurringThunder is not online. PurringThunder
Joined: 23 Apr 2014
Total Posts: 16465
23 Jun 2014 01:44 PM
synonyms would be better than overusing one word (calm)


II: I scream and shout And let it out When I'm in Marching Band :II
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jaguarazul is not online. jaguarazul
Joined: 09 Jul 2013
Total Posts: 2141
23 Jun 2014 01:45 PM
tranquil, peaceful, google other words...
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