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Re: [WIJ]:// The games are announced

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robertgold is not online. robertgold
Joined: 08 Oct 2009
Total Posts: 2407
16 Jun 2014 04:07 PM
[WIJ] - The games are announced

Chapter 1 - The unveiling


The anticipation was great, the atmosphere was at it's peak as WIJ's leader, SilentSwords, strode in with of some of the most feared shock troopers from WIJ standing a few meters behind to deal with any trouble that may occur. SilentSwords was joined by WIJ's allied leaders as he was about to make a important announcement that was eagerly anticipated by many a person with all the clan communities. There was some dome speculation that it could be war, others said it was the release or unveiling of a new prodject. Who knew? Of course sinister HICOM knew about it but they weren't going to tell anyone anything even the poor officers who had to wait along with the rest if the clan communities. Surely someone else knew about what was about to happen?

The room fell eerily quiet as SilentSwords stepped up towards the centre of the stage situated in the centre of the auditorium where everyone could see. The auditorium was in a large open expanse of land, it had a gentle curve under which lay the auditoriums roof. inside there was a stage set in the centre of the auditorium, there was room for up to 500 and each and every seat was taken for this talk. Everyone had there eyes fixed on SilentSwords as he began to talk. SilentSwords had been talking about the recent promotions within the WIJ community, after everyone had almost fallen asleep during the long and tedious talk that had a few relevant pieces of information to listen out for, but most of it was irrelevant. After the long talk about promotions and other WIJ propaganda there was a word which made everyone wake up for, SilentSwords had just said
" The games will be commencing shortly you will now hear more about this. "
Suddenly a holographic screen appeared in the middle of the stage and showed a three dimensional image of Indigo III, this hadn't been seen by anyone yet, it was rumoured that SABLE had made it. Some people were excited about the prospect of a new event others annoyed that there wasn't any war for them. So SilentSwords began speaking again and got mid sentance when a mildly cheerful cheer went up from the drowsy and tired crowd. SilentSwords had just announced,
" All allies will have some part in these games, although one allie will have a more active role along with WIJ. "
As SilentSwords finished this sentence all the allied leaders and allied soldiers leaned and sat in the edge if their seats as a holographic panel appeared instead of Indigo III, a drumming sound started within the auditorium as the panel was flicking through all the different allies, the pace that the computer was flicking through all the allies was slowing down, as this happened there was suddenly silence for the first time. Everyone from Frost Clan cheered as the computer seemed to have stopped on them. Little did they know the computer hasn't finished its choice yet, as there was a clicking sound to signal that the computer had made its choice the Winner came up, it was TRA! There was elation from the TRA community and utter despair for the other allies. Silent then made a final announcement
" TRA will be competing in the games as the two major teams, we will finish explaining everything tomorrow, be ready! As always be safe. " with that SilentSwords strode off under guard from the shock troopers.
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ItachiNoYamato is not online. ItachiNoYamato
Joined: 09 Dec 2009
Total Posts: 4141
16 Jun 2014 04:11 PM
since im not on this

this is crap

~Andrew680
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Assalto is not online. Assalto
Joined: 31 Dec 2011
Total Posts: 9149
16 Jun 2014 04:12 PM
eh it's ok
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robertgold is not online. robertgold
Joined: 08 Oct 2009
Total Posts: 2407
16 Jun 2014 04:13 PM
You never know you may feature during the games.

Also positive comments.

:)
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Gentaurg is not online. Gentaurg
Joined: 19 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 8648
16 Jun 2014 04:14 PM
uh it doesnt really make any sense
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robertgold is not online. robertgold
Joined: 08 Oct 2009
Total Posts: 2407
16 Jun 2014 04:16 PM
It does get with the plot
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sowo is not online. sowo
Joined: 26 Feb 2011
Total Posts: 566
16 Jun 2014 04:18 PM
Pretty good story, some typos though. Put me in as a TRA Elite :P
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Gentaurg is not online. Gentaurg
Joined: 19 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 8648
16 Jun 2014 04:18 PM
errr are you writing this like silentswords is the account of a person on roblox and this is some kind of event that happen(ed) or are you writing it like in a fictional wij universe?
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JamalMarley is not online. JamalMarley
Joined: 21 Jun 2011
Total Posts: 40696
16 Jun 2014 04:19 PM
Glory to The Robloxian Army!
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sowo is not online. sowo
Joined: 26 Feb 2011
Total Posts: 566
16 Jun 2014 04:21 PM
What Jamal Said ^ :D
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decknut200 is not online. decknut200
Joined: 01 Mar 2009
Total Posts: 8727
16 Jun 2014 04:21 PM
wow


»- Greek God of CHEF -»
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robertgold is not online. robertgold
Joined: 08 Oct 2009
Total Posts: 2407
16 Jun 2014 04:21 PM
@gent, from a 3rd persons view
@jam TRA may be getting help from FC so WIJ declares war on you maybe :)
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Gentaurg is not online. Gentaurg
Joined: 19 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 8648
16 Jun 2014 04:22 PM
uhh that didnt answer my question
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robertgold is not online. robertgold
Joined: 08 Oct 2009
Total Posts: 2407
16 Jun 2014 04:23 PM
Fictional....
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decknut200 is not online. decknut200
Joined: 01 Mar 2009
Total Posts: 8727
16 Jun 2014 04:23 PM
yoo let uaf and me be in this ;))00))000


»- Greek God of CHEF -»
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robertgold is not online. robertgold
Joined: 08 Oct 2009
Total Posts: 2407
16 Jun 2014 04:25 PM
Maybe maybe not
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outgun is not online. outgun
Joined: 04 Feb 2012
Total Posts: 13351
16 Jun 2014 04:26 PM
you're a WIJST and you have this

"<<-------->> Moto

Keep Low, Move Fast, Kill First, Die Last, One Shot, One Kill, No Luck Just Pure Skill. "

on your profile


lmao..
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Gentaurg is not online. Gentaurg
Joined: 19 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 8648
16 Jun 2014 04:28 PM
so it doesnt make sense

why would wij, a peacekeeping orgnaization be EXCITED for war (or unsure about it happening)

if this is based on a wij universe, there would be billions - even trillions - of wijians in existense. why would the leader of this huge domianting alliance bother with talking about some promotions or whatever?

why would they just create a random base and name it after a tiny science outpost in the far reaches of space for no reason other than use it for some games thing

why would people be ANNOYED that there is no war. millions/billions would die in a war on a galactic scale and anyone who WANTS this war should be put to death immediately

etc. etc. etc. this seems too based on roblox's clan system to be believable i.m.o.
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SecondHokage is not online. SecondHokage
Joined: 11 Dec 2007
Total Posts: 1026
16 Jun 2014 04:29 PM
All I read was "Silentswords" "silentswords" "TRA"
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robertgold is not online. robertgold
Joined: 08 Oct 2009
Total Posts: 2407
16 Jun 2014 04:31 PM
Read more second.
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obbymaster17 is not online. obbymaster17
Joined: 25 May 2012
Total Posts: 120
16 Jun 2014 04:32 PM
all corrected grammar mistakes you're welcome
1. the anticipation was great *AND* the atmosphere was at *its* peak as WIJ's leader, SilentSwords, strode in*.* 1st sentance is a run-on
2. Following behind him were some of WIJ's most feared shock troopers. He stood a few meters behind them to deal with any trouble, as he peered out at the crowd.
3. SS was joined by WIJ's allied leaders *and was* about to make an important and *highly anticipated* announcement. too wordy lol needs more concise
4. *Some speculated* that there would be war, others said it could be the release of a new project, but no one really knew for sure.
5. sentence about sinister hicom isn't really needed to me but whatever you're choice
6. The room feel eerily quiet as SilentSwords stepped onto the podium. The auditorium was massive and filled to the brim with members of seemingly every nationality.
7. But as SS began to speak, everyone realized that it was just a normal speech, same old same old. Blah blah blah promotions, propaganda etc. snore.
8. But then just as everyone seemed at the verge of sleep, he said "The games will now commence shortly."
8. Suddenly a holographic screen appeared in the middle of the stage and showed a 3D version of the long awaited and top-secret Outpost Indigo III.
9. However, the situation in the room remained the same as some realized this wasn't the long awaited war, it was just another silly event. But suddenly the crowd cheered as SS stated "All allies will have some part in these games, but only one will earn a more active role with WIJ."
10. "The winner will be chosen by from among you, but blink and you might miss it." (needs more explanation) Suddenly all eyes were on the screen as the computer flicked through the symbols. It gradually began to slow down until it almost reached zero, and Frost Clan let out a mighty cheer of victory. But before they could finish celebrating, the computer slipped along one more slot and lo and behold TRA is the winner. There was elation from the TRA communities, but nothing but despair from the others. SS then made a final announcement.
"TRA and WIJ will be competing as the two major teams, we will finish explaining everything tomorrow, be ready and be safe." And with that he and his bodyguard marched out.

Comments- Overall a pretty good idea for a story all it needed I thought was a little tweaking and more explanations, but other than that I enjoyed it.

It's up to you whether to take my advice or not i'm not forcing this on you but just know that I'm a sophomore and have the writing level of a freshman in college so. eh.
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robertgold is not online. robertgold
Joined: 08 Oct 2009
Total Posts: 2407
16 Jun 2014 04:33 PM
Gent, think outside the box.

Don't judge a book by its cover, so why judge a person by their character?
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Gentaurg is not online. Gentaurg
Joined: 19 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 8648
16 Jun 2014 04:33 PM
what are you talking about
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robertgold is not online. robertgold
Joined: 08 Oct 2009
Total Posts: 2407
16 Jun 2014 04:35 PM
Ill look at it later obby, thanks.

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robertgold is not online. robertgold
Joined: 08 Oct 2009
Total Posts: 2407
16 Jun 2014 04:37 PM
Gent think outside the box...

Don't think laterally think odd and weird
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