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Re: poem time

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DAVID3788 is not online. DAVID3788
Joined: 02 Dec 2008
Total Posts: 2972
18 Jun 2014 12:43 AM
life
life itself
dark as the night
yet shines brighter than day

life
twists and turns
down different roads
until
you reach.


*snaps*
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snakesold3 is not online. snakesold3
Joined: 23 Oct 2008
Total Posts: 387
18 Jun 2014 12:44 AM
ᖷuɔʞ ʜɘɿ ɿiǫʜƚ in ƚʜɘ quƨƨy
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vanillolita is not online. vanillolita
Joined: 26 May 2015
Total Posts: 13447
18 Jun 2014 12:45 AM
i reach what? the climax?
hot
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Xylophilus is not online. Xylophilus
Joined: 16 Jun 2013
Total Posts: 915
18 Jun 2014 12:45 AM
This poem is not worthy of Shortstory's poems
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Shortstorywriter is not online. Shortstorywriter
Joined: 03 May 2013
Total Posts: 3023
18 Jun 2014 12:46 AM
lel y dusnt it rhyme?

Kidding, kidding. While I've personally never been a fan of freeverse, I think you did a rather good job. I liked the contrast between night and day in the first stanza. However, the ending needs work. While I get what you were going for with the open ending, it could use some work. Like giving some hint to the close at least. Also, I feel as though your message could be better conveyed if you drew it out over several stanza's.
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Shortstorywriter is not online. Shortstorywriter
Joined: 03 May 2013
Total Posts: 3023
18 Jun 2014 12:47 AM
@Xylo- Haha, thank you. But I don't really want to be held as a standard for somebody. I'd rather just let people do what they do without being held up against something else. Just hold it against its own merit, and if possible, hold it against his own poems. So long as he's improving, he's doing well.
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