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Re: slightly longer part of my story

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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
14 Jun 2014 01:52 AM
"Mimette… all these years raising you to be a good girl and now you kill a person?!"
I frown, wishing I could have some solitude right now to escape from all the yelling.
"This is how your father started his dark ways of living and for you to live this life," she shakes her head, "I'm ending this for you, all of it."
I see the kitchen knife in her hand, rusty, and no shape of quality.
"You brought this upon yourself Mimette."
I nod, careless about everything she says.
"Look at me."
I look into the pitch black holes surrounded by dark red, wanting to stare into eyes, the ones that glow blue, but I know those are no more.
"Where are the tears?" she asks.
I close my eyes, visioning Daniel and I laughing together, a happy moment turning my lips into a smile.
"You should be crying out of guilt and regret! Why are you smiling?!"
She points the knife towards my forehead, the tears that should be coming out of my eyes going down her face.
"I should have never committed myself to you for sixteen years, wasting my life trying to raise a mistake."
An intense expression of anger appears on her face.
"I wish you the joy of having a mother to treat a disgusting creature like you accordingly in the afterlife. Hopefully she has whips, sharp knives, and surrounds you with no one to give sympathy."
I notice her pulling the knife back, an indication it's my time to go.
"Have fun."
She lunges the knife and then everything, becomes nothing.


edited it some

it's a tad longer

but u guys can read right? <3

;)
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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
14 Jun 2014 01:58 AM
666

;)
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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
14 Jun 2014 02:03 AM
moo

;)
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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
14 Jun 2014 02:04 AM
hi

;)
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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
14 Jun 2014 02:06 AM
i can smell you

;)
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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
14 Jun 2014 02:25 AM
yum

;)
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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
14 Jun 2014 02:26 AM
spicy

;)
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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
14 Jun 2014 05:57 AM
m

;)
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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
14 Jun 2014 06:03 AM
laziness

;)
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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
14 Jun 2014 06:08 AM
guys this is short u kno

;)
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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
14 Jun 2014 06:16 AM
cri

;)
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EnderGirl6492 is not online. EnderGirl6492
Joined: 28 Jan 2013
Total Posts: 6700
14 Jun 2014 06:18 AM
It's wonderful, I would like it if I liked gore :)

♪OT's Leopard Master♪
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guvonCP is not online. guvonCP
Joined: 15 Sep 2011
Total Posts: 14413
14 Jun 2014 06:18 AM
2spooki4me

walk up in da club lik wat up i am a big squid|OT's squid fanatic and royal protector of calamari|ZEKKERZ was deleted bc oders couldn't take my swag
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EXTREMEKORKSCREW is not online. EXTREMEKORKSCREW
Joined: 25 May 2009
Total Posts: 16672
14 Jun 2014 06:19 AM
eh, seems pretty bad to me tbh

~Prosecutective Quinn/Banditwizard Kalec "hello there i'm EXTREMEKORKSCREW"~
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Joe11Joe99 is not online. Joe11Joe99
Joined: 22 May 2011
Total Posts: 34458
14 Jun 2014 06:21 AM
420/69

ok now read mine:
. . . I looked through the painting and there was the world I had dreamed of, the lights in the hallway on. I concentrated my thought and I collapsed onto the floor; my soul transferred from my body into the piece of art. The music in the background gave me something to smile about, the walls were colorful with décor; long stripes of different neon colors blasting and changing to surely please all who walked down the narrow hallway. Doors started to come into sight when I reached past some long distance. Some of the doors were small, some of the doors were large all with one big window tinted with some random color. One by one I began to open these doors; each room behind the door had either art or just heartwarming colors on paper. As I walk down the hallway the wall décor and colors fade and I am left alone with muffled voices coming for the rooms, I denied my curiosity and kept on walking. The darker the halls were; the more I could understand the voices. The doors seemed to be getting thinner and thinner until there were no doors at all. I was too foolish to look inside the rooms and I sprinted and ran down the hall as fast as I could. There was an old door at the end, but before I could open it I collapsed and went unconscious.

odnarb and 4muscles :^) - http://www.roblox.com/Forum/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=134362484
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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
14 Jun 2014 06:24 AM
"bad"

wat would make it bettr great judge of OT

"gore"

it gets more and more violent throughout the story so you may read some gore

;)
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EXTREMEKORKSCREW is not online. EXTREMEKORKSCREW
Joined: 25 May 2009
Total Posts: 16672
14 Jun 2014 06:26 AM
"wat would make it bettr great judge of OT"

firstly, the writing is unintelligible pretty much

"She lunges the knife and then everything, becomes nothing."

wtf is this crap? this is not how you write a story

""You should be crying out of guilt and regret! Why are you smiling?!""

sounds incredibly stupid, no one says stuff like that

"I see the kitchen knife in her hand, rusty, and no shape of quality."

makes no sense

the list goes on pretty much

~Prosecutective Quinn/Banditwizard Kalec "hello there i'm EXTREMEKORKSCREW"~
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guvonCP is not online. guvonCP
Joined: 15 Sep 2011
Total Posts: 14413
14 Jun 2014 06:28 AM
EXT is right.

Some parts don't make sense

walk up in da club lik wat up i am a big squid|OT's squid fanatic and royal protector of calamari|ZEKKERZ was deleted bc oders couldn't take my swag
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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
14 Jun 2014 06:28 AM
i rushed the last sentence because i really had no idea how to describe your life ending

and

the rest

you seem pretty hardcore as a judge, do you need a gavel?

;)
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EXTREMEKORKSCREW is not online. EXTREMEKORKSCREW
Joined: 25 May 2009
Total Posts: 16672
14 Jun 2014 06:29 AM
@red

sorry mate but i'm a prosecutor

i judge people, not the verdicts of cases

also rushing stories is pointless, don't do it, ever

~Prosecutective Quinn/Banditwizard Kalec "hello there i'm EXTREMEKORKSCREW"~
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EnderGirl6492 is not online. EnderGirl6492
Joined: 28 Jan 2013
Total Posts: 6700
14 Jun 2014 06:29 AM
I'm sure the rest of your story will be better, not like it needs to though.

♪OT's Leopard Master♪
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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
14 Jun 2014 06:30 AM
i rushed this part and then edited it to where it is now

and of course things don't make sense and don't give enough information, you didn't read part 2 + you didn't read what's after this

;)
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EXTREMEKORKSCREW is not online. EXTREMEKORKSCREW
Joined: 25 May 2009
Total Posts: 16672
14 Jun 2014 06:32 AM
can you please change your siggy to something apart from ;) it is EXTREMELY annoying

~Prosecutective Quinn/Banditwizard Kalec "hello there i'm EXTREMEKORKSCREW"~
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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
14 Jun 2014 06:32 AM
deal with it

;)
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EnderGirl6492 is not online. EnderGirl6492
Joined: 28 Jan 2013
Total Posts: 6700
14 Jun 2014 06:32 AM
"it is EXTREMELY annoying"

Ahahahahahaha

was that pun intended?

♪OT's Leopard Master♪
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