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Re: For people who will read long stories

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videogamelover102 is not online. videogamelover102
Joined: 13 Jan 2014
Total Posts: 101
10 May 2014 04:10 PM
This is a story I came up with yesterday. I tried putting it on Subject "My random story but people put TL;DR. My friend tezakat helped me re-word my story and it`s long so I would really like it if only people who actually read it commented an actual comment, please no "Tl;DR" Here`s my story now that teza re-worded it:


The moon rose slowly, just visible among the tall pines. Andy and I stood still as the gentle breeze flowed past us. The wind had been going on and off all night. As the full moon moved to the tip of the tallest tree, I realized how easy it must have been to spot us. Andy and I knew we had to move some time or another, but we didn't exactly want to.

The forest was eerily silent as we stood there. Eyelids drooping, I began to feel drowsy. If only I could just run home and bury my face in my pillow.... But, how do you run home when there's no home to run to?
"Come on, let's keep going," Andy urged, interrupting my thoughts, "We'll be seen if we don't!"

When I looked up from the ground, I could see that my brother was already far ahead of me, moving at a brisk pace. He was right. Sighing, I followed him through the prickly forest of pine needles. Arms and legs scratched and scraped from the trees surrounding me, a tear fell from my cheek.

I heard a rustle from behind me, and i jumped. I realized that I'd lost sight of Andy. I looked back, figuring it was another one of his practical jokes.
"Haha, very funny, Andy. I thought you said we should hurry, not play tricks on each other."
My comment wasn't responded with the usual, 'Sarah, you've got to admit, I got you good,' but instead, a deep, throaty growl. My eyes widened. Where did Andy go, and what is THIS?!

I took off running blindly through the pines, not looking back to catch a glimpse of my pursuer.
"Andy! Where are you, Andy? Andy!!" I shouted, forgetting the desperate need to stay silent. "Help! Andy! Anyone? Help!" I started to panic, not realizing that our true enemy could now hear me and pinpoint my location.

I managed to scramble up an old conifer, the thing clawing at my heels. Once I was somewhat safely perched upon a tree branch, I peeked down below. It was a large wolf, silvery fur shining in the moonlight. I breathed a sigh of relief between panting. Just one wolf. There aren't any packs around here. I'm safe ... for now.

After a long night of waiting out my foe, spotted sunlight peered down t me. Glimpsing to the pine's base, I saw that the wolf has left. I climbed down the tree, somehow avoiding falling flat on my face. Once I got down, I saw what a mess I was. I saw scrapes running down my arms and scabs covering my legs. Groaning, I suddenly felt like my body was just one giant bruise. Pushing away my pain, I pulled out my pocket compass.

I could treat injuries later. First, I had to find where my rambunctious twin ran off to. Glancing at my compass, I saw that I was facing North. Good. The same direction Andy and I were going before we got separated. Putting it back in my pocket, I strode away from the conifer. Not too long after I had began running, I saw a column of smoke rising above the trees. Assuming it was Andy, I ran faster, heading in its direction. Little did I know that I was right and wrong at the same time.



So please if you read the whole thing tell me if you liked it/dis-liked it, if it`s any good, any possible suggestions I could possibly try, please comment! :D
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BaoChu is not online. BaoChu
Joined: 26 Jan 2012
Total Posts: 583
10 May 2014 04:15 PM
videogamelover102,

I noticed while reading this story that it did happen to contain mature content, some of which could possibly be flagged as inappropriate.

Thus, so that we can abide the rules of the forums, it is important you post in the title of you thread 13+ so that all the younger kids know not to read it. Even if they do, you are still released of all liability.

Finally, since that is just for further reference, all I demand is that you post this thread is 13+ in the thread itself.

If you do not take appropriate action then I will be forced to report this thread.

Thanks for any cooperation.
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videogamelover102 is not online. videogamelover102
Joined: 13 Jan 2014
Total Posts: 101
10 May 2014 04:18 PM
i don`t get what is inappropriate at all, there are no swear words or anything.......

But i guess, 13+`s only then. Can i edit the title? If so, how can i do that? also, can you tell me what is inappropriate in your opinion?
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vamking12 is not online. vamking12
Joined: 08 May 2010
Total Posts: 17651
10 May 2014 04:21 PM
Bao stop minimodding, your not making friends judging everyone.
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BaoChu is not online. BaoChu
Joined: 26 Jan 2012
Total Posts: 583
10 May 2014 04:26 PM
Alright, you've satisfied any requirements.

Thanks for making sure the forums remain a safe and educational place.
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videogamelover102 is not online. videogamelover102
Joined: 13 Jan 2014
Total Posts: 101
10 May 2014 04:30 PM
Still a bit confused on what`s so mature about it, after all how do you know i`m not 12 or under? I`m not but i`m close enough. There was just a wolf attack and her brother getting lost...... im pretty sure kids younger than 12 watch/read more mature things than this. And so what does anyone actually have to say about the story? Is it good/bad? Do like/Dislike it? What? :3
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soardlo is not online. soardlo
Joined: 24 Apr 2008
Total Posts: 19593
10 May 2014 04:35 PM
It's not, Bao is an idiot.
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videogamelover102 is not online. videogamelover102
Joined: 13 Jan 2014
Total Posts: 101
10 May 2014 04:41 PM
Bahahaha XD lol I like you! So what do some non-idiotic people think of the story then? :3
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Recesity is not online. Recesity
Joined: 09 Oct 2010
Total Posts: 15626
10 May 2014 06:29 PM
"videogamelover102,

"I noticed while reading this story that it did happen to contain mature content, some of which could possibly be flagged as inappropriate."

wait but wha-

"Thus,"

Okay, never mind.

"so that we can abide the rules of the forums,"

pfffthahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahaha

"it is important you post in the title of you thread 13+ so that all the younger kids know not to read it. Even if they do, you are still released of all liability."

I'll release YOUR liability!


"Finally, since that is just for further reference, all I demand is that you post this thread is 13+ in the thread itself."

u demand wot m8

"If you do not take appropriate action then I will be forced to report this thread."

Do the mods still know this forum exists?
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videogamelover102 is not online. videogamelover102
Joined: 13 Jan 2014
Total Posts: 101
10 May 2014 06:35 PM
What are you saying? Are you saying it has inappropriate content too? I don't get how it would be at all........

And I wouldn't know, he didn't report cause I said "13+'s only I guess...."

I would think they still know it exists.
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duck14 is not online. duck14
Joined: 20 Sep 2009
Total Posts: 20912
10 May 2014 06:37 PM
@video, what you don't seem to understand is that Bao is a troll and a mini mod.
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videogamelover102 is not online. videogamelover102
Joined: 13 Jan 2014
Total Posts: 101
10 May 2014 06:39 PM
:P no I understand that, just wondering if the other guy thought it was inappropriate. And can someone just please say what they think of the story!? :/
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Recesity is not online. Recesity
Joined: 09 Oct 2010
Total Posts: 15626
10 May 2014 06:40 PM
i'm dissecting everything he said and making him look silly
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videogamelover102 is not online. videogamelover102
Joined: 13 Jan 2014
Total Posts: 101
10 May 2014 06:42 PM
@Recesity,

Ok, you are achieving your goal lol! Now, the story...?....
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Recesity is not online. Recesity
Joined: 09 Oct 2010
Total Posts: 15626
10 May 2014 06:42 PM
Anyway, the story's pretty good for someone who seems to be starting out what with the mere 72 posts and all. Certainly more impressive than how most of the veterans here began.

I see a lot of potential here. A little more practice and you'll be rolling with the glorious RP forum master race in no time.
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videogamelover102 is not online. videogamelover102
Joined: 13 Jan 2014
Total Posts: 101
10 May 2014 06:43 PM
Aw thanks, don't forget my friend tezakat helped me re-word it though.
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vamking12 is not online. vamking12
Joined: 08 May 2010
Total Posts: 17651
10 May 2014 06:43 PM
This is pretty good.
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Recesity is not online. Recesity
Joined: 09 Oct 2010
Total Posts: 15626
10 May 2014 06:44 PM
hey i've seen tezakat before

don't know who the hell she is

but i've seen her
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videogamelover102 is not online. videogamelover102
Joined: 13 Jan 2014
Total Posts: 101
10 May 2014 06:46 PM
Thanks @vamking :3 and yeah, she is a good friend and I haven't known her for long.

Who else likes the story? :D
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ninjaco99 is not online. ninjaco99
Joined: 20 Aug 2010
Total Posts: 174
10 May 2014 06:54 PM
TS;WR
(too small, why read?)
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videogamelover102 is not online. videogamelover102
Joined: 13 Jan 2014
Total Posts: 101
10 May 2014 06:56 PM
@ninjaco,

if more people like it I have more in mind. Just an FYI.
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ninjaco99 is not online. ninjaco99
Joined: 20 Aug 2010
Total Posts: 174
10 May 2014 07:03 PM
i like the story, in fact it's one of the best i have found on the forums in a while, but there's a lot of young adult novel cliches in this story, such as describing the movements of a character, which is surprisingly atypical for most other novels.
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ninjaco99 is not online. ninjaco99
Joined: 20 Aug 2010
Total Posts: 174
10 May 2014 07:05 PM
never mind, I take that back, the movements aren't put to a great extent
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ninjaco99 is not online. ninjaco99
Joined: 20 Aug 2010
Total Posts: 174
10 May 2014 07:07 PM
though this feels so much like a fan fiction rather than a story
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videogamelover102 is not online. videogamelover102
Joined: 13 Jan 2014
Total Posts: 101
10 May 2014 07:07 PM

@ninjaco,

Movements? You mean the transactions from paragraph to paragraph? Or sentence to sentence?
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