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Re: THe Clockwork Corporation Lore (so far, like 1 paragraph)

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pistoffgoth is not online. pistoffgoth
Joined: 10 Apr 2011
Total Posts: 3094
19 Mar 2014 10:10 PM
The Clockwork Corporation Lore

The year is 2120 the world had changed a lot in 100 years, a new company ran by a manager known as "Crazy" has appeared. He named his company The Clockwork Corporation, after the pocket watch company his great grandfather had ran when he was young. When he first got out of the University of Business at Large, he bought up a string of islands and called them Zombay after 10 years of work he had finally reached a goal of launching the said islands into the sky. They now loft over the sea near the edge of the continent known as Europe. The main island in Zombay is known as Nea Victoria, this city has a victorian style Architecture where they host the trading company. Their are up to seven islands currently in control of Zombay. Each Island has a different form of trade for itself and are traveled to by airships owned by the company. The main island is mainly used for central trading between the other six islands while their are also several different areas to shop on Nea Victoria.


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pistoffgoth is not online. pistoffgoth
Joined: 10 Apr 2011
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19 Mar 2014 10:11 PM
Bump

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pistoffgoth is not online. pistoffgoth
Joined: 10 Apr 2011
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19 Mar 2014 10:13 PM
bump1

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Tesana is not online. Tesana
Joined: 24 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 1420
19 Mar 2014 10:15 PM
...

Oh dear, I see why he asked me to help with lore...
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kittenloverCX is not online. kittenloverCX
Joined: 11 Nov 2011
Total Posts: 295
19 Mar 2014 10:16 PM
lol
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pistoffgoth is not online. pistoffgoth
Joined: 10 Apr 2011
Total Posts: 3094
19 Mar 2014 10:18 PM
Oh thanks.
It was the first one I wrote and I had nothing to reference from other groups.

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kittenloverCX is not online. kittenloverCX
Joined: 11 Nov 2011
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19 Mar 2014 10:20 PM
tl;dr

stopped at has appeared

hi pist
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Tesana is not online. Tesana
Joined: 24 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 1420
19 Mar 2014 10:21 PM
... You want something to compare to?

Say goodbye to your hopes and dreams.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Ud5RrXEYtjcFhts0Cf81mzObtfY88RkNk7W99aT3rc8/mobilebasic?pli=1
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andrusandrew is not online. andrusandrew
Joined: 05 Apr 2011
Total Posts: 1217
19 Mar 2014 10:21 PM
Pist, tell me the truth, are you and Itstime the same person?
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toxic69 is not online. toxic69
Joined: 29 Jan 2011
Total Posts: 11787
19 Mar 2014 10:22 PM
That is a bad way to start a lore.
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pistoffgoth is not online. pistoffgoth
Joined: 10 Apr 2011
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19 Mar 2014 10:23 PM
Yeah kind of why I was trying to look at references, so I sorta just put it out there for criticism. Of course the only legitimate one wasn't even constructive and the title does say its 1 paragraph.

Hi kit.

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pistoffgoth is not online. pistoffgoth
Joined: 10 Apr 2011
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19 Mar 2014 10:28 PM
@Toxic Alright I will try something different way to start it.
@Tesena Basically you gave me a way to re-use words. What you really have is, as it says an index. Which isn't really a lore.


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solticex is not online. solticex
Joined: 14 Aug 2010
Total Posts: 5267
19 Mar 2014 10:34 PM
@andrus

He's Micchukelz
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pistoffgoth is not online. pistoffgoth
Joined: 10 Apr 2011
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20 Mar 2014 12:51 AM
Not sure why my old main is that important, and who andrus? And why are you not pming me.

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USAFGeneral is not online. USAFGeneral
Joined: 11 Dec 2010
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20 Mar 2014 12:58 AM
"University of Business at Large"

that's so unoriginal, it's not even funny
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pistoffgoth is not online. pistoffgoth
Joined: 10 Apr 2011
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20 Mar 2014 01:00 AM
Actually that was a joke xD put into it, the whole things going to be redone or I am not going to do it.Because I don't even have grammatical skills.

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pistoffgoth is not online. pistoffgoth
Joined: 10 Apr 2011
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20 Mar 2014 01:00 AM
Actually that was a joke xD put into it, the whole things going to be redone or I am not going to do it.Because I don't even have grammatical skills.

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USAFGeneral is not online. USAFGeneral
Joined: 11 Dec 2010
Total Posts: 10009
20 Mar 2014 01:01 AM
It really needs to be redone.

Truthfully, I'm able to find a reason to tear apart every paragraph.
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yia is not online. yia
Joined: 06 Nov 2008
Total Posts: 13563
20 Mar 2014 01:02 AM
Agh.

Why.
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AviationTechnology is not online. AviationTechnology
Joined: 24 Nov 2013
Total Posts: 7175
20 Mar 2014 01:06 AM
Goodness gracious... What.... I don't even....

♔ Heroes get remembered, but legends never die. ♔
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USAFGeneral is not online. USAFGeneral
Joined: 11 Dec 2010
Total Posts: 10009
20 Mar 2014 01:12 AM
"The year is 2120 the world had changed a lot in 100 years, a new company ran by a manager known as "Crazy" has appeared."

-NO. THE WORLD IS EXACTLY THE SAME AS IT WAS 100 YEARS AGO. People still drive gas cars, and everything.
-A person called, "Crazy", should not be running *any* companies.

"He named his company The Clockwork Corporation, after the pocket watch company his great grandfather had ran when he was young."

-This is actually kind of heartwarming.

"When he first got out of the University of Business at Large, he bought up a string of islands and called them Zombay after 10 years of work he had finally reached a goal of launching the said islands into the sky."

-Business at Large, already touched upon.
-Or, 'Zombie' islands? Just thinking out loud here.
-Also, please tell me how he launched large mounds of dirt into the sky? Why didn't he just connect airships. Why not just form Columbia?

"They now loft over the sea near the edge of the continent known as Europe. The main island in Zombay is known as Nea Victoria, this city has a victorian style Architecture where they host the trading company."

-"the continent known as Europe" -> No, I call it Anderslavia (Grey Army). Just say Europe.
-Victorian-style architecture? Oh, *that's* why it's called Nea Victoria! It all makes sense! Also, didn't they stop building houses in the Victorian-style for a reason?


"Their are up to seven islands currently in control of Zombay."

-There*
-It'd make much more sense to say that there are seven islands in Zombay. Otherwise, you're making me think of seven islands with voting rights.

"Each Island has a different form of trade for itself and are traveled to by airships owned by the company."

-If these are floating islands, how do they produce things to trade? Just thinking out loud, again.

"The main island is mainly used for central trading between the other six islands while their are also several different areas to shop on Nea Victoria."

-Same issue.
-Also, is Nea Victoria the future's Rodeo Drive?

[I took the liberty of not correcting the bulk of the spelling errors.]

[Also, in case you couldn't tell, I like *correcting* bad lore.]
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USAFGeneral is not online. USAFGeneral
Joined: 11 Dec 2010
Total Posts: 10009
20 Mar 2014 01:15 AM
-I'm redacting the "and everything" portion in the second sentence of my corrections. It sounds stupid.
-airships?*
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Caboooose is not online. Caboooose
Joined: 16 May 2012
Total Posts: 8091
20 Mar 2014 01:23 AM
I liked it.
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pistoffgoth is not online. pistoffgoth
Joined: 10 Apr 2011
Total Posts: 3094
20 Mar 2014 01:25 AM
Well thanks, for the constructive criticism got any lore I can look off.
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