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Re: [TGI] The Shadow's Inside [Chap. 1 REDONE]

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Versade is not online. Versade
Joined: 12 Oct 2013
Total Posts: 1585
23 Feb 2014 11:20 PM
I realized my first chapter failed pretty bad compared to what I was capable of. I asked Fluxoid for some help editing the previous one. Credit to Fluxoid for a lot of the editing here.

Enjoy.

"[Chapter 1]

I stare at the floor from my seat, eyes straight and my mind not able to focus on anything. I was in an the Arcadian Aircraft MR30 Gunship. This was not an ordinary gunship, having many turrets attached and being able to carry 3,000 soldiers for the minimum amount of gasoline needed to run it. I getting ready to launch near the heart of the Viridian capital. I wonder what enemies I will have to face, how strong they are, and if I'll know them. I already fought my friends previously and don't want to go through that again. That's what I get, previously leaving to go to Vaktovia. I spit on the ground, disgusted in my previous actions and wondering if I will ever be able to make that up. I guess I'll have to just find out.

I am waken up from my daydreaming. "Arcadians, launch! Go, go, go!" barked Field Marshal Boost, as his officer cap points up with his head. His eyes showed faith in his orders to us, and I trusted that. I was for some reason not very trusting of everybody, feeling as if I was more of an outcast for my past mistakes.

I unlocked my seatbelt quickly, and we all jumped off one by one. I was up. I hold my arms out, and fall forward. My body seems flies back from the speed that gravity was pulling me down. Viridia's gravity was stronger than we had expected. I was absolutely horrified of the situation and was losing focus. I was speechless, but I held in my fear and kept control of my emotions. I was nearing the ground at what seemed like a thousand miles per hour, as I got closer I panicked and pulled my parachute chord hoping that I wasn't too close to the ground or else I was doomed to die. I get pulled back hard and then lightly float to the bottom. After assessing the area for enemies I started to calm down and gain focus, and as soon as my adrenaline dropped I felt a sudden shock of pain in my lower torso, the pain was so intense it felt like I was being stabbed with a jagged knife multiple times over. I immeditely check again to check and make sure no enemies were around before I begin to search for my comrades, so I can seek medical help. At first I thought I was just seeing things in my mass hysteria while glancing frantically around me, but I wasn't just seeing things. There standing not 30 feet from me was someone dressed as an Arcadian Sentinel. It had very vibrant colors and designs on it and I was suprised I hadn't seen him earlier.

I look down at my abdominal area, trying to see how bad it's bleeding. It was already numb and I was getting dizzy by the minute. It started to pour all over my equipment and the ground. I tried to put pressure on it to stop it from coming out. I kept a mental focus that if I just pushed forward and kept my mine off my body I could focus and be more self-aware of the situation and locate my missing comrades. I needed to keep up my perseverance, in order to continue to not be asleep in a coffin. I didn't want to die like this. I would not die like this.
All I know is that I then crashed into a large, light green tree and the bark had scratched my chest hard. It was like the sap within the tree was some sort of poison to my body. It stung with a blasting pain, but I got back up and did my best to use the trunk has cover.

My eyes watered and my voice was getting angry and frustrated. I cursed it and screamed for help. " Medic!!!, I'm hit!, Medic!!!" to the top of my lungs. I look around, finding no help near. The Arcadians were probably already 10 miles away from me. I was north of the shore, and I bet they were already in the trenches fighting Viridians and slaying them. Our speed training really taught us some important things, and I almost wished we never had it so I could keep up even if injured.

The pain was getting hysterically worse and I was about to go into shock. My eyelids were getting extremely heavy and I was getting weaker and weaker by the second, my entire body below the torso had gone completely numb by now and I was trying to figure out how I was even walking. I then dropped to the ground like a fly. I had blacked out..."


~Versade
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Versade is not online. Versade
Joined: 12 Oct 2013
Total Posts: 1585
23 Feb 2014 11:24 PM
Feedback is highly appreciated.

~Versade
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basketballking001 is not online. basketballking001
Joined: 06 Aug 2008
Total Posts: 30860
23 Feb 2014 11:26 PM
Better descriptions
Seems rushed
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Fluxoid is not online. Fluxoid
Joined: 21 Mar 2012
Total Posts: 18384
23 Feb 2014 11:27 PM
Huzzah

"If you can't be safe, Be Deadly"-Anonymous
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dans59 is not online. dans59
Joined: 15 Apr 2011
Total Posts: 8606
23 Feb 2014 11:27 PM
kool
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echoe007 is not online. echoe007
Joined: 01 Dec 2012
Total Posts: 5
23 Feb 2014 11:30 PM
Now this is a True Chapter, Great Job Versade. I can't wait to read the rest of the Story.
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Gunmare is not online. Gunmare
Joined: 19 Jul 2008
Total Posts: 14610
23 Feb 2014 11:31 PM
Better. Good job Versade! Can't wait for more characters.
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meepo44 is not online. meepo44
Joined: 06 Jun 2010
Total Posts: 921
23 Feb 2014 11:32 PM
Arcadian machinery runs on gasoline...

If arcadians were only smart enough to make gasoline powered machinery I think the vaktovians would have wiped us out long ago.
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LordVledak is not online. LordVledak
Joined: 16 Aug 2013
Total Posts: 10400
24 Feb 2014 12:12 AM
Or we could use vaktovian remains e-clan friendly fuel
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Visarin is not online. Visarin
Joined: 26 Jul 2011
Total Posts: 7130
24 Feb 2014 12:16 AM
This is bad. Grammar bad, and this isn't even worthy of a "rushed story".

All this is a collection of ideas and events complied into one thread to make it appear as if it was actually a story. No offense, but this is "bad writing".

0/10
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Inysa is not online. Inysa
Joined: 18 Sep 2012
Total Posts: 4477
24 Feb 2014 12:20 AM
The narration seems sort of uninspired and lacks major description. As well, it's sort of incoherent, not allowing the reader to form a mental image. Even if the reader could, you jerk the scene around so much it's impossible to keep it in focus. That, and your one real area of dialogue... well. It's bad.

" Medic!!!, I'm hit!, Medic!!!"

If you really want him to say this: "Medic! I'm hit! Medic!" or "Medic! I'm hit, Medic!". Never use multiple punctuation aside from ellipses (...'s) and (!?). As well, you do NOT put commas after sentence endings. The only exception is the end of a quote, if the character is making a statement.

"Hey, Sean,"

If it's a question or exclamation, you remove the comma at the end: "Hey, Sean?"

Off technicalities: You really need to familiarise youself with Arcadian lore, and to be honest, the events aren't that interesting. Plan a bit more, and DEFINITELY make it longer.
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DukeofBurgundy is not online. DukeofBurgundy
Joined: 24 Oct 2013
Total Posts: 28301
24 Feb 2014 12:24 AM
boring
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maxjelly is not online. maxjelly
Joined: 18 May 2013
Total Posts: 8344
24 Feb 2014 12:32 AM
Better than last one.
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NightBladeFighter is not online. NightBladeFighter
Joined: 27 Aug 2013
Total Posts: 3798
24 Feb 2014 12:39 AM
Naw
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awesomeplayer2 is not online. awesomeplayer2
Joined: 30 May 2010
Total Posts: 30
24 Feb 2014 02:52 AM
Seems somewhat of you pooling other Arcadian stories together into your own. You need to be more creative and think of new Idea's. For example, the trouble of the launch and the blackout upon landing- Go read IIAuthentic's Intro. Work on your grammar. Get a better plot. 3/10
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