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Re: Updte for my book. ( critics welcome )

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evilemogirl1 is not online. evilemogirl1
Joined: 14 Oct 2012
Total Posts: 4920
17 Feb 2014 03:17 PM
What happened? I try to think back, but I can’t. I remember going to lunch with Karen and Landon, I ordered a wing combo with a large soda, and we talked about high school. How excited we were. Then… I remember a large hand covering my mouth as I walked into the back of the school. The palm was large, sweaty and soft. A voice that was scratchy whispered in my ear “if you try and fight, I will hurt you. Shut up, and walk.” I try and scream but then I notice a gleaming, blade in the pocket. He shows me a sadistic smile that says he enjoys the way I tremble. I have no idea where I am going, but the grip of his hand on my waist and arm tell me he means harm. I form a fist and punch him in the nose. Almost immediately, he lunges at me with the blade, slicing into my head, and taking me to the ground. The noise my body made when it hit the ground was blood curdling. I don’t remember much after that. When I wake, I am in a trunk of a car. The headlights are covered so I can’t kick them out. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe! I repeat over and over until the words themselves become a song stuck in my head. But, I can breathe. I can feel my arms, my legs, and every-other bone in my body. I am not broken, but I am hurt. My head is broken open and the wound makes dark red blood seep out. It’s so quiet in the trunk of the car; I can hear the blood leaking out. Drip, drip, drip, thunk, gshhhhh, drip, drip, drip. It repeats like that until I can’t hear them.
But here I am. I am in the present, past the past, and not quite in the future. My shirt is black with asphalt. I wish I had my phone. I wish I had my friend here with me. The car seems like it not moving, until we turn. I can hear a few people, talking, cheering, and some even clapping. My head is pounding. I hear the key turn and I do some quick thinking. The way he smiled, he wanted to do me pain. If I wasn’t awake, he wouldn’t get to see me squirm. He wouldn’t get to see me in pain, it would be too easy. So I close my eyes. Even with my eyes closed, I am still blinded by the light. “Get up” one man says, not the same man. I don’t move. “Get…. Up…” whispers the man who took me. I can feel his breath, hot with rage. I feel another blade stroke my head, not cutting me, but letting me know that it was still thirsty for blood. I open my eyes. The man pulls me out, and throws me to the ground. I let out a groan, a sob mixed with anger with a hint of pain. His nostrils are flared, and his face is red. I tune out from his face and look around. I’m in the mountains. A large house with red shingles, a white frame and shutters. A pond gleams behind the house. There is two people, dirty hair and white shirts, standing in the window. They mouth the words “help.” And “run.” And at that exact moment, I am lifted from the ground and hear a jumble of words until I hear a sentence that makes my stomach drop. “this one is mine..”
I don’t walk voluntarily anymore. I am lifted off the ground carried by two men. When inside, I steal a quick glance around. Everything is fancy, very elegant. I try and squirm but the man lays me on the ground and restrains me. Another man grabs my arms and yanks, pulling a pair of handcuffs from his pocket. I flair my arms and scream, and all I can hear is laughter. This is funny to the men around me. No, no, not the men. The Monsters. The nasty, vile, disgusting pieces of garbage. I feel my cheeks get hot. The man grabs my arms and finally cuffs them together. There is so much laughter; no one can hear the screams I am letting out as he ties up my legs. The men carry me out the back door and past the pond, into another house. “I told you, she’s cute huh?” says the man who kidnapped me “Yes. Lar’s will be pleased. How long did this one take?” “Two months. She was an easy one.” What? What does this mean? I start to sob, and one of them just laughs and touches my hair, I flinch back and spit in his face. He doesn’t do anything; he just opens the door, and the rest of the men leave.
I see ten people. There are five woman, all young (13-18) and the same with five boys. There are four doors, a bathroom, and three bedrooms. All very elegant and pretty, along with a living room. There is nice furniture in every room, including in the one he take me in. One of the older women who look about seventeen covers her mouth to silence a sob. I must be in bad shape. He puts me on the bed, locks the door.
I squeeze my eyes shut. I don’t know what’s going to happen, nor do I want to know. But instead of there being a nasty scene, I feel a slap. My face suddenly feels hot, and I can feel my cheek already swelling. He eyes my up and down, his eyes are wide and look greedy. I tremble and shake and I let out one lone sob and immediately he screams “SHUT UP YOU FILTHY PIECE OF GARBAGE!” I can hear whispers in the other room. He takes out his knife and cuts into my cheek. I scream out in agonizing pain. I hear a knock on the door. A soft voice says “sir? Is everything alright?” “Bring me a rag” he says. “Yes sir.” She says. He reaches behind him and unlocks the door, giving me a chance to touch the wound. My fingers feel the wound. It’s deep. The young lady opens the door; it’s the same one who seemed sad when she saw me. “Sir...” he voice trails off as she looks at my face. I stare at the ground and see a lone drop of blood drip onto the floor. “Here is the rag.” She finishes. He yanks it out of her hand and she exits. He wipes up my cheek, and the floor, now stained with a deep red blood. He gets a lighter and lights it. “oh, please no, oh god no, please anything but this.” I beg, my voice is light and soft. I am begging him in between sobs. He just smiles, and holds it to my cheek. I scream out so loud he jumps back, and I start to cry. He then grabs his stuff, straightens his clothes, and wipes my cheek one more time. He takes the rag and smiles and says “see you later” and laughs.
I hear the heavy oak door slam as he exits the house. The same lady that brought the rag helps me up and into the bathroom. A small “f” is carved into my cheek. She gets a towel and the same white dress and gives it to me. She sets a bath and she begins to undress me. “No… I can do it.” I say. “Thank you though. Also... what’s up with the dresses?” I ask? “It’s uniform.” She says with a smile. Uniform? What does that mean? I close the door and begin to step into the bath. Blood makes the water turn a bright red. I clean both wounds and put on the dress. I feel clean, but the nasty wounds on both my cheek and head still bleed. I call the woman back into the bathroom. She takes with her a small tube of a jelly substance and two pieces of stick on gauze. It’s the same brand my mother used when I cut my arm open a month ago. She puts on the jelly and then rubs it in, and then she sticks the gauze on my wounds. “What does an f mean on your cheek?” I ask. She looks at the ground and shows me her arms, there is an “f” and an “r” both faint. “It means fighter. An r means runner.” She says. “Why did he carve it into my cheek and not my arm?” I ask. “Because he wants everyone to see you are a fighter. It gives him pleasure to say that he hurt you. The only reason I got them cut into my arm because I came here when he was young and slightly less cruel.” She says. “What’s his name?” “Walsh. His name is Walsh. And he is cruel to everyone. Especially younger woman.” She says. “I would stay away from him.” She says. “Let me give you a tour here. My name is Ellie.” She says with a smile. “My name is Aracelli.” I say, also with a smile.
“This is the main living room. After our day we all like to hang out here and sing and play games. No one really ever comes in here unless giving us food. I wouldn’t worry about Walsh while you’re in here. He doesn’t come in here unless we have a new arrival, which is rare.” She says as we stand in the living room. That really gives me peace of mind. “Anyway, this is the big room. It’s just a room with six beds and some cabinets. All the girls sleep in here. The men sleep in the other two rooms, and Odi just sleeps in the living room.” She says. The room is nice, with a chest next to each bed. “Who is Odi?” I ask, breaking the silence. “He is the oldest captor here. He came here when he was 13 and is 26 now.” She says as walking me to the last bed on the right. “This is your bed; next to mine.” She says with a smile. “We have a routine here. We serve the people in the house until nine o’clock. Then we come back here.” She says while opening the chest. Four white dresses, one pair of pajamas, a pair of black flat shoes, and a black apron. She pulls out the apron and shows me how to put it on. “This is the uniform. You wear this while serving them. At night, you put on the pajamas and then Odi takes role. All of us are always here.” She says. “Not for long, I won’t serve these monsters.” I say. Her face goes from happy hostess to serious in a flash. “Listen. The first thing you are going to want to do is run, Bad Idea. They are the only food, water, and shelter for miles. It takes about five days to get to any place with human population. Not only that, but predators a rich up here. We get bears in the garbage every week. They see you as a tasty meal. By the time you get down to the village, you will be so dehydrated, so hungry, and probably hurt that they can’t help you. Whatever you do, don’t run.” She says sternly. She starts to take the back part of her dress off and show me four scratches. “A bear attacked me when I ran. I almost died.” She says. I touch the wounds; they are still painful; judging by the way she winces when I touch it. “Well if they don’t have any store nearby, how do they get food?” I ask. She takes me to the window. A garden with tomatoes, veggies, fruit trees, you name it. “They hunt for meat. Venison is very common, along with buffalo.” She says. “oh…” I say. She looks at me and says “now, why don’t you get some rest? She stays by my side, softly speaking about the bear attack, until I nod off, off into my sleep.
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drpece231 is not online. drpece231
Joined: 04 Aug 2011
Total Posts: 36788
17 Feb 2014 03:19 PM
0/10
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deltav is not online. deltav
Joined: 01 Jan 2008
Total Posts: 31893
17 Feb 2014 03:19 PM
Leave white space between paragraphs. It helps, trust me. I doubt you'll get many good responses though, as this is OT and people don't like walls of text anyway. There is a seperate subforum for this kinda stuff.
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evilemogirl1 is not online. evilemogirl1
Joined: 14 Oct 2012
Total Posts: 4920
17 Feb 2014 03:22 PM
I did leave spaces, it looks a lot better on word XD
It has spaces and paragraphs, it just didn't transfer when I copied and pasted it. also, I think ot gives me better suggestions then any subform, because they all go "ITS TERRRRRIBBLE CHANGE IT ALLLLLL." in the subforms because #trolls.
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drpece231 is not online. drpece231
Joined: 04 Aug 2011
Total Posts: 36788
17 Feb 2014 03:23 PM
@evil
SWEETIE OT IS WORSE
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JumbleBee5 is not online. JumbleBee5
Joined: 14 Jan 2011
Total Posts: 17019
17 Feb 2014 03:23 PM
[ Content Deleted ]
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AirHead748 is not online. AirHead748
Joined: 14 May 2011
Total Posts: 3034
17 Feb 2014 03:24 PM
It didn't catch me at all in the beginning, its not unique in any way and seems plain and unappealing.
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evilemogirl1 is not online. evilemogirl1
Joined: 14 Oct 2012
Total Posts: 4920
17 Feb 2014 03:24 PM
dr>
not really. In the subforum I just posted in, all I got was, "its good. leave it alone." I don't want that. I want good advice so I can make it better, and like the person above me just proved my case. He gave me advice. Ot is better but most people are just too lazry.
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SassyPriest is not online. SassyPriest
Joined: 22 Jul 2009
Total Posts: 11633
17 Feb 2014 03:25 PM
needs more legs

like a hall of legs

with legs hanging on the walls

yeah....
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drpece231 is not online. drpece231
Joined: 04 Aug 2011
Total Posts: 36788
17 Feb 2014 03:26 PM
@sass
Im starting to wonder about how your bedroom walls look now
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evilemogirl1 is not online. evilemogirl1
Joined: 14 Oct 2012
Total Posts: 4920
17 Feb 2014 03:26 PM
airhead<
How can I improve that? I wanted to make it very dull in the part where she is remembering because its a flashback. She is trying VERY hard to remember what happened and how it all happened, so making it vague and unappealing adds to the suspencefulness of her being kidnapped, like " Will this get interesting later" kinda thing.
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HiIoman is not online. HiIoman
Joined: 16 Mar 2012
Total Posts: 8238
17 Feb 2014 03:26 PM
question: do you know what the enter key is
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evilemogirl1 is not online. evilemogirl1
Joined: 14 Oct 2012
Total Posts: 4920
17 Feb 2014 03:29 PM
>hiloman
Yes I so. I wrote it in a book writing software called wordy ( just like word but with a way to see it in book form with a title and stuff. ) and It had all spaces and enters and indents. When I copied it onto here It didn't transfer all that stuff.
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