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Re: Antivirus (Moved)

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Zyliox is not online. Zyliox
Joined: 23 Nov 2012
Total Posts: 7844
02 Feb 2014 05:22 AM
"Hampshire! Hampshire, where the heck are you?!" Sawyer was annoyed at having his friend disappear like that, and he wanted to get back to camp as fast as they could. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!" "Hampshire? Is that you? Hampshire?!" But there was no answer. Suddenly, a shrub made a strange noise. "Unnggghhh...grooowwrrr...RAWR!" Sawyer, startled, glanced to the right. A horrible mutilated form was crawling out of the bushes. "Argh! Not one of those!" yelled out Sawyer as he reached for his revolver. The beast then leaped at him, tearing his flesh with it's claws. "Aaaaagh! Eat this!" Sawyer shot the creature in the head. It fell to the ground, twitching and bleeding. "I gotta patch myself up. That's not the last I've seen of those things. They already attacked Alabama and are moving towards Virginia. I don't wanna be in the middle of that." While thinking aloud, Sawyer produced a bandage pack. He dressed his wounds, then proceeded to search for Hampshire's dead body. Instead he found a fresh, large pool of blood on the ground. Then Hampshire leaped down from the trees, hungry for flesh. "God! Not another one!" muttered Sawyer as he sprung back from Hampshire's onslaught. "Wanna have a lead snack? Here's your order!" Sawyer then shot the apparent zombie but missed and hit a tree. He shot again. This time it blew off Hampshire's entire right leg. "Bones get more fragile and muscles get weaker. Must've been why that happened" said Sawyer as he shot the creature through the skull..

He recalled how this had all started. Scientists had been working on a solution to glandular problems and stunted growth when they stumbled upon a certain formula called ZW-967. However, when tested on lab rats, they grew extremely vicious and didn't fear anything. When a rat bit a scientist it got scary because they fell to the ground, twitching and convulsing. Wounds opened. Flesh tore. The new creature leaped at another colleague biting and ripping them with newly mutated claws. The infection spread through the lab. However, Sawyer had managed to induce a lockdown on the entire base, but the disease escaped that too. Half of the US population was infected with ZW-967 by the time Sawyer shot Hampshire-Zombie. A woman armed with an assault rifle and wearing blue jeans, a shirt, and bandana ruptured the peace and said "Hey. You'd better get outta 'ere. There's a whole 'orde of 'em comin' straight for us. Name's Ranada." The woman spoke with a thick British accent. "I'm Sawyer" replied Sawyer as three people stepped out from behind Ranada. "Darius, Juliet, and Stark. They're all friends." The three were armed with shotguns. They left. "Help!" Darius was grabbed and bitten by a zombie. Then the zombie fell dead along with Darius who got shot too, since he was bitten. "Well, nothing we can do about him." said Juliet in her timid voice. Three infected, however, heard the shots and ran out of the bushes screeching and hungry for human flesh. They never made it, because their heads didn't wanna stay at the torso party. They walked on...
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Zyliox is not online. Zyliox
Joined: 23 Nov 2012
Total Posts: 7844
02 Feb 2014 05:23 AM
bump
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Zyliox is not online. Zyliox
Joined: 23 Nov 2012
Total Posts: 7844
02 Feb 2014 05:44 AM
double bump
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Zyliox is not online. Zyliox
Joined: 23 Nov 2012
Total Posts: 7844
02 Feb 2014 05:57 AM
triple bump
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Zyliox is not online. Zyliox
Joined: 23 Nov 2012
Total Posts: 7844
02 Feb 2014 06:22 AM
quadruple bump
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rose6666 is not online. rose6666
Joined: 19 Jun 2011
Total Posts: 6541
02 Feb 2014 07:09 AM
OK, I'm a critic for Writers of Roblox so I need to do this apparently...

1. Space out your story. Don't make it a wall of text, because it's unappealing to read.

2. When people are talking, start a new line so the reader doesn't get confused.

3. This isn't something wrong with your writing, but something about the story. We've seen loads of M/TV/B zombie stories, you need to come up with something original.

4. Try and describe the surroundings and weather if you're writing a zombie story; it makes the ready feel uneasy and scared about what's going to happen.

Other than that, the story was fine. Keep on writing!
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rose6666 is not online. rose6666
Joined: 19 Jun 2011
Total Posts: 6541
02 Feb 2014 07:10 AM
Oh, also, I really like the background story as to how it all started.
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sweetrose8 is not online. sweetrose8
Joined: 17 Apr 2012
Total Posts: 100
02 Feb 2014 07:35 AM
that was a awesome book i would read that,nice job
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Zyliox is not online. Zyliox
Joined: 23 Nov 2012
Total Posts: 7844
02 Feb 2014 07:53 AM
Like the zombie's favorite food being someone's appendix? That's pretty original. Or, zombies have special abilities and there are different kinds? Maybe the leader is a psionic destroyer that is telepathic? Can ya gimme some ideas?
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Zyliox is not online. Zyliox
Joined: 23 Nov 2012
Total Posts: 7844
02 Feb 2014 07:56 AM
I have an idea. I'll double space and write it in OpenOffice, and take what you said into consideration. I'll be coming up with original ideas after the story kinda gets settled. ZW-967 is toxic as well, half of the lab rats died.
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