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Re: Krypka's burden(Nafarian short story)

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romuluz is not online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
02 Feb 2014 01:17 AM
Final in the shorts for a while before I return to writing LNiH. As usual, read, critique, enjoy.
-------------------------------------------------

Krypka watched her reflection carefully in the mirror, studying her own face carefully, everything from her blood red eyes and thin pale face, to her pitch black hair. She was leaning over a simple white sink, supporting her upper body up with her arms, her hands clasped tight on the sink's slightly cracked porcelain exterior. She was clad in a suit of red armor, her entire body covered in the red metal, her neck covered by a thick film of black material, leaving only her face uncovered.

A loud series of cheers from outside caught her attention for a moment, and she looked behind her, out the door of the dim, grimy bathroom she was in and into the bright light outside, a false light created by a roguetonium lamp. She quickly returned her attention to the mirror, looking at her face once more only for a moment before looking down at her clenched up fists, the red armor covering her hands contrasting against the white sink. She lifted one of her fists , and opened it, revealing a small set of holo tags. She held the tags tenderly in her fingers for a moment, activating them to read the engraving etched on them with roguetonium, the words glowing a dull red. She moved her lips, reading the engraving silently to herself.

"Jack Tren'Vizel-NSS-75624" She mouthed to herself silently.

She let the red glow that revealed the etching shine on her face for a moment before it faded away. Leaving her in the dim darkness again. She clenched the tags hard in her fist again. Letting her armored hand cover the tags.

"You look just like your mother you know, beautiful." A deep voice said from behind her.

Krypka jumped for a moment, startled by the voice, she turned to greet the source of the voice, finding her father. A tall, thin nafarian dressed in regally and black formal military wear. His chest donned with dozens of medals from past invasions. His pitch black hair lay neatly about his head, his red eyes resting on Krypka as he leaned against the edge of the doorway. Krypka simply stared at her father, unsure what to say in reply for a moment, letting her eyes drift from her father's gaze.

"I never knew mother..." Was all Krypka could manage in a monotone voice. "Did she murder humans too?"

"Krypka... lets not do this again... Not today Krypka, today's the day you finally join the ranks of the nafarian military, and continue the proud lineage of the Ras'Vael family... rejoice Krypka, today is a good day." He said.

Krypka crossed her arms, looking her father dead in the eyes.

"Oh, so I can what? Go out, kill some humans, enslave some innocents all in the name of some form of peace we have never seen ourselves?" Krypka demanded. She laughed for a moment. "No thanks." She finished.

"Krypka, you talk nonsense!" Her father exclaimed. "You know just as well as I do what happened to your friend Jack after he acted on such nonsense! He's dead Krypka! And so will you be too if you still follow him!" He exclaimed.

Krypka looked taken back for a moment at her father's words. Her pupils widened and a look of shock spreading quickly over her face.

"Don't you ever talk about Jacks death again! He was right in what he believed!" She exclaimed, breathing heavily.

An eerie silence fell upon the two for a moment, her father looking amazed at his daughter's outburst while Krypka looked down at the floor, the anger slowly fading from her face, replaced by a more vacant expression.

"Or... or was he..." She mused to herself. She continued to look down at the floor, confused.

Her father merely watched her as she began back against the wall behind her. She stood there for a moment before sliding slowly down the wall, bringing her armor clad knees to her chest, hugging them. She sobbed silently into her knees, her shoulders heaving with each breath.

"Krypka... you know he's wrong... I know you know the truth deep down inside. I raised you to know the truth." He said calmly, approaching Krypka and resting his hand on her shoulder.

"I-I-I don't know." Was all she could manage. "Maybe you're right father... maybe jack was wrong." She said. "Maybe the humans really are cruel barbaric beings."

Her father nodded in reply, smiling, continuing to rub her shoulder. A few minutes passed before they both were distracted by shouts and cheers from outside.

"We should go, they will be calling for the dreadnoughts soon." Her father said meekly.

Krypka nodded in response, standing up, and moving for the door, ahead of her father, walking into the faux light.
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romuluz is not online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
02 Feb 2014 01:17 AM
A/N

Eh, not entirely sure about this work.

I may or may not redo it.
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Outlaw001 is not online. Outlaw001
Joined: 22 Jan 2011
Total Posts: 35333
02 Feb 2014 01:24 AM
saw a few grammar errors just by scrolling

im sorry1
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romuluz is not online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
02 Feb 2014 01:25 AM
scroob.

Read it.

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Walyn is not online. Walyn
Top 100 Poster
Joined: 30 May 2007
Total Posts: 14570
02 Feb 2014 01:29 AM
so we got the brainwashed chick remembering the dead close opposite gender friend who apparently wasnt brainwashed and the brainwashing semi-detached father is trying to keep her in line, likely to use her position in the military to be important

seems like a backstory to a b-list character to me
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Shedix17 is not online. Shedix17
Joined: 27 Dec 2009
Total Posts: 1292
02 Feb 2014 01:31 AM
Now I understand a little more about my own lore lol!
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Outlaw001 is not online. Outlaw001
Joined: 22 Jan 2011
Total Posts: 35333
02 Feb 2014 01:33 AM
"thin nafarian"

nafarian is a race apparently

"nafarian military"

the nafarian military is a thing or group of people, so it should be the Nafarian Military

i dont see people saying royal canadian navy

"Maybe you're right father"

comma after right since she's talking to her father

--

idk tho, its almost 1 in the morning so i could be wrong

but the detail is good
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Shedix17 is not online. Shedix17
Joined: 27 Dec 2009
Total Posts: 1292
02 Feb 2014 01:34 AM
@Walyn, First off I'm the father of that girl. And as my loyalty towards the empire I am not brainwashed... I work on my own accord. I just loyally follow Romulus.
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romuluz is not online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
02 Feb 2014 01:34 AM
Walyn, you're off.

By a lot.

Thanks for reading though.

I do plan on redoing this as I said to reveal a little more.
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romuluz is not online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
02 Feb 2014 01:35 AM
Outlaw: nafarian is a race, but yes, thanks for pointing those out.

I always have some grammatical errors here and there.

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feskORAL is not online. feskORAL
Joined: 31 Jan 2014
Total Posts: 77
02 Feb 2014 01:36 AM
wow how bland nearly got too bored to finish it

how about you learn to be descriptive and somewhat immersive before you tackle short stories

agent of bulq and eolithic
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Shedix17 is not online. Shedix17
Joined: 27 Dec 2009
Total Posts: 1292
02 Feb 2014 01:38 AM
@Fesk what are you talking about? this is amazing!
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romuluz is not online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
02 Feb 2014 01:38 AM
@fesk:

"how about you learn to be descriptive"

wot wot

but there are descriptives?

Did you even read?

I do admit this isn't my best work compared to the other two.
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feskORAL is not online. feskORAL
Joined: 31 Jan 2014
Total Posts: 77
02 Feb 2014 01:39 AM
"dark black hair"

i'm dying

"MUH SELF PUBLISH"

"MUH DECENT SIZED FANBASE"

are you really bulling this hard right now

agent of bulq and eolithic
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Outlaw001 is not online. Outlaw001
Joined: 22 Jan 2011
Total Posts: 35333
02 Feb 2014 01:39 AM
the theme i got from this short story is that jack was executed for having a different belief then others around him in his culture/race

that can be implied with many things in the past inrl really, all of which can't come to mind because my cog gears in my brain have stopped working
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feskORAL is not online. feskORAL
Joined: 31 Jan 2014
Total Posts: 77
02 Feb 2014 01:40 AM
the descriptives are like elementary school writing level

agent of bulq and eolithic
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romuluz is not online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
02 Feb 2014 01:41 AM
@Outlaw:

Close but no cigar.
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Outlaw001 is not online. Outlaw001
Joined: 22 Jan 2011
Total Posts: 35333
02 Feb 2014 01:42 AM
"Close but no cigar."

im going with a random guess just to fit in with my previous post

residential schools?
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romuluz is not online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
02 Feb 2014 01:43 AM
@Fesk: Yeh I can see thet.

I've done better in the past.

wen u sed no descriptives tho i wos like

wot da foking hell r u talking about.

I wouldn't say elementary school though

I mean

There's only so many ways you can say "Dark black hair" because really, there isn't that many.

You seem to be nit picking with that one man.
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romuluz is not online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
02 Feb 2014 01:44 AM
What exactly do you mean with residential schools.
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feskORAL is not online. feskORAL
Joined: 31 Jan 2014
Total Posts: 77
02 Feb 2014 01:45 AM
there are lots of way

the main problem was just the lack of overall descriptives, the ones you supplied are ok but there are so many places you should've gone that you didnt

agent of bulq and eolithic
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dracomanx is not online. dracomanx
Joined: 23 May 2013
Total Posts: 15642
02 Feb 2014 01:46 AM
:} I patented "Nafaria" and "Nafarian"
Or did I?
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Outlaw001 is not online. Outlaw001
Joined: 22 Jan 2011
Total Posts: 35333
02 Feb 2014 01:46 AM
"What exactly do you mean with residential schools."

well in this story jack was killed by believing something else other than the main stream society.

in residential schools aboriginal children/teenagers were executed for speaking their language, values, and beliefs.
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romuluz is not online. romuluz
Joined: 12 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 18124
02 Feb 2014 01:48 AM
Not really.

Jet Black hair.

Lets delve a little deeper.

Dark black.

Black.

I mean black's such a bland color there's not too much you can do with that.

However what I could have done was go onto the sheen of the hair and more into it's neatness, whether it was clean or greasy, etc.

Sorry man but to go off of that is nit picky.

Overall as I said on the other forum I consider this to be more or less of a rough draft.
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Walyn is not online. Walyn
Top 100 Poster
Joined: 30 May 2007
Total Posts: 14570
02 Feb 2014 01:48 AM
conflicted protagonist struggles to come to terms with the contrast between militaristic and strict society and friend "other people have rights" ideal as he/she joins the major controlling power under the guidance of parental figure affilated with major controlling power who clearly has some machinations of his/her own

and if we're assuming this is part of a bigger piece, he/she is not even the conflicted protagonist, but instead is the conflicted secondary character on the opposite side of the protagonist who will be swayed to join the protagonist's cause and if the secondary character is the first b-list opposite gendered character the protagonist meets they will be the primary romantic interest of the protagonist
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