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Re: A paragraph from my first zombie book "The Infection"

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lilzach10 is not online. lilzach10
Joined: 11 Oct 2012
Total Posts: 246
31 Jan 2014 07:01 PM
I looked back to see Emma's leg get half torn off by a walker...
"EMMA NO!!!" I yelled.
She was screaming in pain.
I pulled out my pistol and shot the walker.
"BANG"
I ran, and knelt beside Emma.
"Emma what I have to do now, I am sorry for", i sighed.
I took out a bloody hatchet, and I slammed it into the spot above Emma's bite.
Blood squirted out everywhere.
She screamed in pain, as I contenued cutting through the leg bone.
In seconds, the leg was only holding on by a few peices of skin...
She had passed out from blood loss.
I looked to my right, and saw a giant Horde of walkers coming...
"Oh my god...", I whispered.
PM me for the whole book!
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The1337Shadow is not online. The1337Shadow
Joined: 15 Mar 2010
Total Posts: 778
31 Jan 2014 07:11 PM
Stealing from The Walking Dead = Strike one

Spoiling important plot twists in before writing the actual story. = Strike Two.

Using the word "BANG" In a story. = Strike Three.

Cutting off a characters leg after just saying the walker bit it off. = Strike Four.

Oh, and having a zombie bite a leg off. = Strike Five.

The hatchet shouldn't be bloody before using it. = Strike Six.

Oh, and the whole cutting off a characters leg thing was already used in TWD Game chapter 2. = Strike Seven.

Refusing to go into any actual detail and just reading off what happened (I shot the walker, she passed out, she was screaming in pain) = Strike eight.

Implying that a character would so nonchalantly cut off the leg of another. = Strike Nine.

Don't type in caps when a character is yelling. = Strike Ten

Ten strikes and you're out.
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lilzach10 is not online. lilzach10
Joined: 11 Oct 2012
Total Posts: 246
31 Jan 2014 07:18 PM
First of all, I dont watch or play walking dead games
Second of all, I didnt type book EXACTLY AS IT IS
3rd of all I used this paragraph to get people to like the book and get a sneak peak before i let them read whole thing
4th of all the hatchet was bloody because earlyer in the story he killed a deer, and didnt wipe blood off
5th of all it was a typo on the Caps when yelling part.
6th of all he cried after he cut Emma's leg off
7th of all the zombie bit her leg off because if you had not noticed,
ZOMBIES EAT PEOPLES BODYS
8th of all he had to cut her leg off immediatly before the virus spread through her body
9th of all the bang was just a sound, somone didnt yell BANG
10th of all i didnt use lots of detail because i had to go offline soon.
BOOM......
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The1337Shadow is not online. The1337Shadow
Joined: 15 Mar 2010
Total Posts: 778
31 Jan 2014 07:26 PM
First of all, I dont watch or play walking dead games

Why did you call them walkers?

3rd of all I used this paragraph to get people to like the book and get a sneak peak before i let them read whole thing

Fair enough, don't spoil major details in your story though.

4th of all the hatchet was bloody because earlyer in the story he killed a deer, and didnt wipe blood off

Fair enough.

5th of all it was a typo on the Caps when yelling part.

Unlikely.

6th of all he cried after he cut Emma's leg off

Then mention it in the story.

7th of all the zombie bit her leg off because if you had not noticed,
ZOMBIES EAT PEOPLES BODYS

First: Proof the caps thing from earlier wasn't a mistake.
Second: A human can't bite through flesh and bone. Neither can a zombie.

8th of all he had to cut her leg off immediatly before the virus spread through her body

Aye, it should have been an important moral dileam in the story, he shouldn't have said, eh sorry mate. I've got to cut your leg off.

9th of all the bang was just a sound, somone didnt yell BANG

Realize that. It still shouldn't be used in a story.

10th of all i didnt use lots of detail because i had to go offline soon.

Objection, this is a paragraph taken from your story. Thus this must have been written prior to actually posting this thread.

BOOM what?
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The1337Shadow is not online. The1337Shadow
Joined: 15 Mar 2010
Total Posts: 778
31 Jan 2014 07:27 PM
First of all, I dont watch or play walking dead games

Oh, and how could I have forgotten you're in a walking dead fan group?
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lilzach10 is not online. lilzach10
Joined: 11 Oct 2012
Total Posts: 246
31 Jan 2014 07:39 PM
I read the comics thats why im in a walking dead group, and how i know the term "Walkers"
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lilzach10 is not online. lilzach10
Joined: 11 Oct 2012
Total Posts: 246
31 Jan 2014 07:41 PM
Oh and about the proof caps wasnt mistake,
I used caps for a reason that time when i wrote
ZOMBIES EAT PEOPLES BODYS
In the paragraph it was a typo.
Im going to revise the paragraph since I have time to online this time
Tell me feed back after its posted please
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lilzach10 is not online. lilzach10
Joined: 11 Oct 2012
Total Posts: 246
31 Jan 2014 07:51 PM
First paragraph in book:
I woke up in my bed, as I took my first breaths for the morning.
I looked slowly to my right, expecting to see my wife's light gray beutiful eyes.
Instead, I found a blood stain on her side of the bed...
"Emily?" I called out.
No response... My heart started pounding against my chest.
I slowly got out of bed, and walked out into the living room.
"Emily?" I yelled this time.
No response once again...
I turned on my T.V to see the morning news.
Instead on every channel, I heard the same message.
"All citizines of The United States, are to evacuate to Atlanta Georgia Immediatlly once they recieve this message.A life threatining infection is spreading around. Anyone exposed to the virus, is to wash infected area thoroughly with soap, water, and poroxide***
This is an recorded message, and will replay in the next thirty seconds."
A virus?, I thought to myself.
Just then I heard a groan from my kitchen...
-END-
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The1337Shadow is not online. The1337Shadow
Joined: 15 Mar 2010
Total Posts: 778
31 Jan 2014 07:57 PM
An incredibly generic opening = Strike one.

Where did the blood stains come from? If a zombie turned bit her on the bed then it would have also attacked her husband. If she naturally got the virus she wouldn't have left a blood stain. Besides she would bit her husband. I'll just assume that's a period stain and imagine this entire story is a metaphor for how a woman's period makes them act like zombies. Strike two

A virus like this wouldn't pop up over night. Strike Three

If you can clean the infected area with soap water and poroxide then why did the guy hack the woman's leg off? Strike Four

An incredibly generic ending. Strike Five.

Citizines = Strike Six.

-End- = Strike Seven Eight Nine and Ten. Please stop doubting your readers intelligence. We an tell when somebody has ended.
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Saj1000 is not online. Saj1000
Joined: 22 May 2013
Total Posts: 333
31 Jan 2014 09:34 PM
You are very good but you should hone your descriptive skills just a little bit more
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lilzach10 is not online. lilzach10
Joined: 11 Oct 2012
Total Posts: 246
31 Jan 2014 10:06 PM
Sorry i forgot how to spell citizine,
second, (I will add this)
She tryed to commit suicide
3rd the apocalypse did spread in like 4 hours so i bet it can spread at least 9 hours
4th the recorder for the recorded message, did not know yet if you die from the infection, so they said to wash it, pour poroxide, etc.
(Later in story he finds out this dosnt work)
And I know I need to work on my descriptive language
Im in 6th grade and my launguage art's teacher would be like "What da hell is dis!"
Lol
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lilzach10 is not online. lilzach10
Joined: 11 Oct 2012
Total Posts: 246
31 Jan 2014 10:07 PM
"Please stop doubting your readers intelligence. We an tell when somebody has ended."
Are you implying that I am a bad author?
All I'm trying to do is entertain people with a book!
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The1337Shadow is not online. The1337Shadow
Joined: 15 Mar 2010
Total Posts: 778
31 Jan 2014 10:11 PM
She tryed to commit suicide
3rd the apocalypse did spread in like 4 hours so i bet it can spread at least 9 hours

First: Why? Still doesn't explain the blood.

Second: No. An infection can't spread in 4 hours. There would be early warning signs, this would be on the news for atleast a week before it got bad.
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MASTERLUKE755 is not online. MASTERLUKE755
Joined: 04 Oct 2008
Total Posts: 25483
31 Jan 2014 10:27 PM
you can always get better, right now you're giving poor examples of imagery, the point of a book is to get the readers to feel what the characters feel in a way
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BranFlakes1099 is not online. BranFlakes1099
Joined: 13 Jun 2010
Total Posts: 4537
31 Jan 2014 11:14 PM
-You should work on a better hook.
-Get background from other zombie shows, movies, and books.
-Don't use onomatopoeia, unless if this is going to be like a comic.
-Don't use similar scenes from TWD. Hershel gets his leg bit and had to be amputated.
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rose6666 is not online. rose6666
Joined: 19 Jun 2011
Total Posts: 6541
31 Jan 2014 11:33 PM
Lol'd at the bit where his wife was missing so he turned on the TV.
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The1337Shadow is not online. The1337Shadow
Joined: 15 Mar 2010
Total Posts: 778
01 Feb 2014 12:43 AM
Lol'd at the bit where his wife was missing so he turned on the TV.

Dangit, how did I miss that for my "Strike" thing? Such an obvious flaw.
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rose6666 is not online. rose6666
Joined: 19 Jun 2011
Total Posts: 6541
01 Feb 2014 12:45 AM
Eh, can't blame him. Happens all the time.

"Honey, why are you lying in a pool of your own blood? Wait, never mind, breaking bad is on."
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SkylarLeale is not online. SkylarLeale
Joined: 10 May 2013
Total Posts: 604
01 Feb 2014 01:20 AM
I suggest adding more details and longer sentences, using brushstrokes and complex will help. Also, you might want to go into more depth about the character and their feeling, not just skim over what's happening. Good start though.
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SkylarLeale is not online. SkylarLeale
Joined: 10 May 2013
Total Posts: 604
01 Feb 2014 01:22 AM
also forgot to add:
don't use such a generic title, and zombies are overused.
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Zyliox is not online. Zyliox
Joined: 23 Nov 2012
Total Posts: 7844
01 Feb 2014 06:39 AM
this is crap, i am doing way better than this.
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lilzach10 is not online. lilzach10
Joined: 11 Oct 2012
Total Posts: 246
01 Feb 2014 07:55 AM
Fine since almost everyone thinks im the worst author ever im done with writing ill just grow up to do a job i dont want to do!
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masterninja360 is not online. masterninja360
Joined: 30 Dec 2009
Total Posts: 14637
01 Feb 2014 09:49 AM
@The1337Shadow

omg it has zombies in it, totally a TWD copy
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lilzach10 is not online. lilzach10
Joined: 11 Oct 2012
Total Posts: 246
01 Feb 2014 09:54 AM
I DONT WATCH THE WALKING DEAD, I MADE THIS DANG BOOK WHEN I WAS 7 SO GET OVER IT TWD WASNT EVEN MADE WHEN I WROTE THIS BOOK SO STOP SAYING I COPIED TWD!!!!!
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BranFlakes1099 is not online. BranFlakes1099
Joined: 13 Jun 2010
Total Posts: 4537
01 Feb 2014 02:32 PM
How do we know? You could have been 7 in 2009 when TWD came out.
Also, no one said you were the worst author
And if you are oh, so much more older than a 7-year-old, then you should have made revisions by now.
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