gamma2244
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| Joined: 08 Oct 2009 |
| Total Posts: 12481 |
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| 17 Jan 2014 05:56 PM |
It was about 0200, two in the morning, and I had just slipped into the garden. This place was supposed to be loaded, but getting in was a gambit of well placed traps. All I had to was get in, grab something valuable, and get out. It all went wrong when I heard a thick TWANG, and felt something sharp, barbed, and insanely painful bury itself in my left legs' calf. I was soon on the ground attempting to rip it free and run for my life when I heard that sadistic giggle. Everything was over.I woke hours upon hours later, instantly feeling my leg, and horridly surprised to feel a bandage there. A plethora of emotions went through me: anger, shock...fear. It was about a few minutes after I woke that I felt something warm, scaly, and soft lay across my shoulders. I looked up to see her sitting there on her knees, in a beautiful green and teal kimono adorned with violet flower like decorations sown into her clothing. Her face was well defined with slightly inset eyes, green in color with slits like a lizards pupils. er nose was somewhat small and very slightly pointed. She had a few razor sharp pointed teeth in the front row, and her hair was an almost pulsing shade of crimson and cut at her shoulders. She was staring at me intently, watching my every. I have to admit I was terrified, and more than a little surprised when she held me suddenly in a tight embrace. Her touch was warm and relaxing, I couldn't exactly say no. It took me awhile, while being embraced by her to realize that the scaly, warm object sitting on my shoulders was her tail.
-Would love some feed back on this book I'm writing.
~Azur Renthius Kallun- The Champion of Mareth. |
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| 17 Jan 2014 05:58 PM |
How to improve the story in one easy step:
Remove all of this
t was about a few minutes after I woke that I felt something warm, scaly, and soft lay across my shoulders. I looked up to see her sitting there on her knees, in a beautiful green and teal kimono adorned with violet flower like decorations sown into her clothing. Her face was well defined with slightly inset eyes, green in color with slits like a lizards pupils. er nose was somewhat small and very slightly pointed. She had a few razor sharp pointed teeth in the front row, and her hair was an almost pulsing shade of crimson and cut at her shoulders. She was staring at me intently, watching my every. I have to admit I was terrified, and more than a little surprised when she held me suddenly in a tight embrace. Her touch was warm and relaxing, I couldn't exactly say no. It took me awhile, while being embraced by her to realize that the scaly, warm object sitting on my shoulders was her tail.
Replace it with character development. Get rid of your lizard fetish. |
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gamma2244
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| Joined: 08 Oct 2009 |
| Total Posts: 12481 |
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| 17 Jan 2014 05:59 PM |
"Get rid of your lizard fetish." >uh hunh, your completely valid point is totally accepted! Let me just throw away one of the main characters!
~Azur Renthius Kallun- The Champion of Mareth. |
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| 17 Jan 2014 06:00 PM |
>uh hunh, your completely valid point is totally accepted! Let me just throw away one of the main characters!
Good work! Now, I was thinking instead that you should introduce the antagonist with that out of the way. Perhaps you could provide some clarification as to what this job was all about. |
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gamma2244
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| Joined: 08 Oct 2009 |
| Total Posts: 12481 |
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| 17 Jan 2014 06:02 PM |
No, I'm not gonna take away one of the main characters. The same old drab of human + human +human + endless wave of human is a bore to me to read. I'm making a change with this. Now, the rest of what you said in this second post is actually quite useful!
~Azur Renthius Kallun- The Champion of Mareth. |
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| 17 Jan 2014 06:04 PM |
No, I'm not gonna take away one of the main characters. The same old drab of human + human +human + endless wave of human is a bore to me to read. I'm making a change with this. Now, the rest of what you said in this second post is actually quite useful!
What exactly does Lizard woman provide to the plot? |
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| 17 Jan 2014 06:05 PM |
Oh Jesus christ this kid is Russian.
My apologies dear sir. I really hope you don't mind. I didn't mean to insult you or your nation of course. I'm quite a big fan of Russia actually! Please don't send Putin after me... |
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gamma2244
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| Joined: 08 Oct 2009 |
| Total Posts: 12481 |
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| 17 Jan 2014 06:06 PM |
The Lizard woman and the antagonist are the two of the main characters. Before a lot of really stupid questions flow in from other people who may comment, this is a really rough draft. I mean, REALLY rough. So, based on opinions I get from people, character descriptions are gonna get changed around, Prologues will vanish entirely. I'm still in the beginning stages.
~Azur Renthius Kallun- The Champion of Mareth. |
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| 17 Jan 2014 06:08 PM |
| Oh great and wise Russian, I do not mean to be rude but is there a possibility that silly unrelatable Lizard people will be cut and replaced with well developed Human people? |
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gamma2244
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| Joined: 08 Oct 2009 |
| Total Posts: 12481 |
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| 17 Jan 2014 06:08 PM |
@Mage,
I'm not Russian, I just like this group better than whatever the hells Night's USA is supposed to be. Corruption, corruption everywhere! I am however a Socialist, just not a happy one. That one little problem that I find nags into Socialism at its core :|
~Azur Renthius Kallun- The Champion of Mareth. |
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| 17 Jan 2014 06:09 PM |
I'm not Russian, I just like this group better than whatever the hells Night's USA is supposed to be.
Oh. Well thank goodness the...
I am however a Socialist, just not a happy one
Oh good lord IT'S A COMMUNIST! SOUND THE ALERT! GET MCCARTCHY ON THE LINE! |
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gamma2244
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| Joined: 08 Oct 2009 |
| Total Posts: 12481 |
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| 17 Jan 2014 06:11 PM |
Again, as I pointed out, this is early early in the makings of the story. I need to work on building relate-able characters, but she is staying, appearance may change, as will the antagonists, but she's staying.
~Azur Renthius Kallun- The Champion of Mareth. |
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gamma2244
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| Joined: 08 Oct 2009 |
| Total Posts: 12481 |
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| 17 Jan 2014 06:11 PM |
'I am however a Socialist' "Oh good lord IT'S A COMMUNIST!"
you really don't know the difference. Do you?
~Azur Renthius Kallun- The Champion of Mareth. |
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| 17 Jan 2014 06:13 PM |
but she's staying.
Sob. What can I do to convince you that Lizard people aren't healthy for your story? Especially one like this. You know a character is DOA when her first appearance has her randomly hugging some random person. |
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| 17 Jan 2014 06:13 PM |
you really don't know the difference. Do you?
YOU ARE ALL THE SAME! YOU REDS CANT FOOL ME! |
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gamma2244
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| Joined: 08 Oct 2009 |
| Total Posts: 12481 |
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| 17 Jan 2014 06:16 PM |
"YOU ARE ALL THE SAME! YOU REDS CANT FOOL ME!" >I'm American.
And towards the girl with the random hugging. ROUGH DRAFT. I was mostly jotting down ideas into some cohesive thingy...much will be edited, calm your everything.
~Azur Renthius Kallun- The Champion of Mareth. |
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| 17 Jan 2014 06:20 PM |
calm your everything.
NAY
NAY
NAY!
I SEE THIS FOR WHAT IT IS
COMMUNIST PROPAGANDA! ITS ALL PART OF YOUR PLOT TO TAKE OVER! YOU CANT FOOL ME
YOU
CANT
FOOL
ME
CALL THE WHITE HOUSE
CALL THE PENTAGON!
GET THE QUEEN ON LINE 3
THE REDS ARE HERE
THE
REDS
ARE
COMING
*Passes out* |
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gamma2244
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| Joined: 08 Oct 2009 |
| Total Posts: 12481 |
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| 17 Jan 2014 06:25 PM |
The ignorance flows through thee. Fail troll is fail.
~Azur Renthius Kallun- The Champion of Mareth. |
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| 17 Jan 2014 06:25 PM |
The ignorance flows through thee. Fail troll is fail.
Mee wurst troll evurr nobuddy pay brijj tole me nott sceary enuf mee gett drunc an kil sellf troll droun |
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Mr44
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| Joined: 04 Feb 2009 |
| Total Posts: 2628 |
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| 17 Jan 2014 08:31 PM |
Going to have to agree with Mage on this one. The fact that there is a female anthropomorphic lizard woman hugging the MC makes me feel the prologue is setting the rest of the story up as a bizarre furry fapfic (Pardon my french).
Please tell me there's a valid reason for the lizard woman to be there, other than "OGM ITS YOUNIKE AN NAWT A DUM HEWMAN". |
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| 17 Jan 2014 08:59 PM |
Going to have to agree with Mage on this one. The fact that there is a female anthropomorphic lizard woman hugging the MC makes me feel the prologue is setting the rest of the story up as a bizarre furry fapfic (Pardon my french).
Exactly! That's what I was trying to get at until I sort of zoned out and found myself typing anti Communist propaganda. I tend to do that sometimes. My bad. |
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gamma2244
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| Joined: 08 Oct 2009 |
| Total Posts: 12481 |
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| 17 Jan 2014 09:16 PM |
@Mr44,
her role will be explained later on, still building her and the MC. "Furry fapfic" omg xD. No, friend, I trust it will end up a decent read, hopefully.
@Mage,
.-.
~Azur Renthius Kallun- The Champion of Mareth. |
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| 17 Jan 2014 09:17 PM |
.-.
That one of your Communist code wo..DAMMIT NOT AGAIN!
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Kipec
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| Joined: 25 Nov 2010 |
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| 17 Jan 2014 09:19 PM |
Also, another thing you need to work on your punctuation and stuff.
-Siggy- Check out my shirt! http://www.roblox.com/Life-Begins-After-Coffee-item?id=129074300 |
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gamma2244
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| Joined: 08 Oct 2009 |
| Total Posts: 12481 |
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| 17 Jan 2014 09:23 PM |
@Kipec,
yeah don't worry. I'm still hammering out the draft. First story I've started writing in like two years.
~Azur Renthius Kallun- The Champion of Mareth. |
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