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Re: So, I made an videogame character, can anyone critique?

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FeedMeCmor is not online. FeedMeCmor
Joined: 18 Dec 2011
Total Posts: 5237
16 Jan 2014 09:19 PM
an Engineering expert, master martial artist, abandoned by his mom in front of his dojo at only 3 months old, superhero, Drip. This is the story of Drake Jackson.


Drakes mom was always into writing, stories, anything. She had always wanted to make Drakes life into a story. She was scrolling online for a brand new Pen, and she came across some special ink that could restore an Pen and get it back to brand new status. She purchased it, and when it arrived, she was ecstatic. She could finally begin drakes story. As she sat down to right, with Drake right next to her, in her happiness of the new Ink, she swung her arm out to the right, knocking the Ink onto Drake. The ink had gotten all over him, and because earlier that day, Drake had banged his head on the wall, he had an injury near his forehead. The ink was flowing all through out his body. Drakes mother was so angry at Drake, at everyone, at everything. And in her anger, she picked Drake up and brought him to the kitchen to dry him off. But by the time she had gotten to the kitchen, the Ink was all gone. Completely out of no where, it just vanished. Drakes mother was scared, what had her son done? Did he have some sort of 'superhero'? She had no idea how to handle Drakes ability, so she had to do something. She had no other idea that to abandon him. But, Drakes mom was not as heartless as you might think. She knew that his ability to absorb liquids might be exploited, so she wanted to make sure, if that had to happen, he could protect himself.

The next morning, the morning Drakes mother would abandon him, she went up to get him out of the crib, and she was shocked. Was she going crazy? Her son, his hand, was made out of a black oozing liquid, similar to Ink. Her sons hand. Half ink, half skin, she lost it. She picked Drake up and threw him on the ground. "Why are you so weird?!" She screamed at Drake. Drake's hand had returned to normal state, but he was bleeding everywhere as his mom sat on the ground crying. Drake was the same, he had only ever loved his mom, but now she sits in front of me crying because of pain inflicted on him? He eventually stopped crying as his mother picked him up, completley unscaved. Drake looked like an average baby with no injuries what so ever. But she still couldn't handle what Drake could do. She picked Drake up and hoped in the car.

Drake looked confused. Where are we going? He thought. After approaching the New Orleans border, his mother drove around, occasionally looking back at her phone. We eventually came to a fancy red building, with people wearing white and black robes, belts and weapons in the window. Hmm, just sightseeing Drake thought. But no, it was more than sightseeing. This was the day his mother would abandon him. She wrapped him up in a blanket and dropped him in front the door, rang it, and hoped in the car, and left.

thirteen years later

Drake was training with the highest of the highest ranks in the Dojo he was abandoned at. He worked there, he earned money there. That was his home. Drake was potentially the best Martial Artist at the Dojo, and could take anyone, even his sensei in combat. One day, while fighting for head of the Dojo, drake was fighting the highest rank, only one above him. His name was Jack. Jack had always been really arrogant and unaware. He always thought he was better than everyone. Jack seeked to prove him wrong. As they entered their fighting stances, Jack charged straight away as Drake ducked, and hit him in the back. With only one move, Jack was on the floor. Drake had one, he was now the head of the Dojo. THE Sensei. After that battle was called, Jack wasn't satisfied. He picked up a Katana and charged at Jack. Drake was well aware that a katana would enter his neck in a few seconds. But he felt that he would be okay, a weird sixth sense if you will. As blood pored on the mat for a few seconds, everyone was in shock. Drake reassured them. "Get away, I'm fine." he said as he pulled down his Gi to look at the injury. He grew weak in the knees, but he stood his ground, contracted.. A black Ooze came out of his neck and completely healed the wound.
Drake felt fine, but angry at Jack for attempting to murder him, after he had one fair in square. "Drip drop, jack." Drake said as his hand starting becoming much bigger, and started dripping black ooze. He propelled his hand forward, and his wrist extended, and a trail of black ooze followed. His larger hand was propelling toward Jack. It grabbed him by the chest, and shoved him out of the Dojo, with a huge thud as Jack broke through the wall. Everyone was screaming, as a huge, weird fight had broken out. People's hands don't normally turn back and extend and shove people through walls. nope. Wasn't normal. Everyone thought Jack was unconscious. But he came back. Glowing black and purple. Oh gosh, had he figured out some sort of ability that Drake had, was he special too? "That all you got, Drippy?" he teased as he shot some form of an Antimatter blast into Drakes chest. For a split second, Drake felt open. And impervious to damage. A hole opened up in his chest and the attack flew straight through. Drake was so confident that Jack wouldn't even be a challenge. As 5 more Antimatter blast were fired at Drake, they went straight through him. But obviously, he needed to start being offensive otherwise Jack would defeat Drake. "You like swords, right Jack?" Drake said as he concentrated. He was able to morph his hand into a Katana. Then morph it back, so he was holding a black, oozing katana. He just made a katana out of thin air. This is sick! He thought. As he was marveling at his new found ability, he was hit by the blast Jack could now shoot. They weren't very painful, but more disrupting to his body. He felt uneasy, but he had to continue. He made another katana and morphed back so he had two. He charged at Jack and cut straight through a blast of anti matter. Sciences hardest element, he cut straight through it. As he came closer and closer to jack. He jumped, and aimed both Katanas through jack. As he landed, jack was impaled by two black katanas. Straight through his chest. "Cheaters always loose, Jack." as Jack fell to the floor. He got back up, and attempted to retaliate, but was unable to. Instead he was able to fly, like a flipping bird! He flew out the Dojo! I felt really victorious. But instead, I fell to the ground. I felt so tired, and unpracticed. I fell to the floor, unconscious.

He woke up in his Senseis office. Cops were pacing around, they looked worried and angry. "Young man, do you have any idea what you have done?" The cop said to me. "No sir, all I remember was defending my dojo." I said to the cop, honestly and truthfully. "You may have murdered an innocent boy, --" I cut him off "Innocent? Jack tried to kill me, like four times, in one day!" The cop was shocked, clearly he hadn't heard all the story. "You need to come with me." Without wanting to cause a scene, I followed the cop into to his car. He put handcuffs on me and put me into his car. I had done nothing wrong I thought to myself as we drove to the police station. I morphed my hands into a tiny icicle and slipped out of the handcuffs without alerting the police. As we neared the high security prison, I threw the handcuffs off the ground, and jumped. All i did was jump. And sooner than later, i was soaring through the air.

I knew I wouldn't be able to control the flight for much longer, as I was unpracticed. I landed in front of a school, "University of New Orleans." it said, i did't want to alert anyone that worked at the school who worked after hours, so I attempted to shrink my body down using my new ability. But all i turned into was a pile of black goo. Which is fine too, i moved into a nearby forest to spend the night.






I'm not done, i just want some thoughts.
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valvefan123 is not online. valvefan123
Joined: 19 Jan 2011
Total Posts: 5185
16 Jan 2014 09:29 PM
A.TEAR DOWN THE WALL!
B.Nothing to do with video games.

-A smile will get you far, but a smile and a gun will get you farther.-
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FeedMeCmor is not online. FeedMeCmor
Joined: 18 Dec 2011
Total Posts: 5237
16 Jan 2014 09:31 PM
it's awesome tho :D
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TheSchadenfreude is not online. TheSchadenfreude
Joined: 23 Jun 2013
Total Posts: 3353
16 Jan 2014 09:31 PM
[ Content Deleted ]
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FeedMeCmor is not online. FeedMeCmor
Joined: 18 Dec 2011
Total Posts: 5237
16 Jan 2014 09:34 PM
lol minimod get out lol
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Donutlova is not online. Donutlova
Joined: 08 May 2012
Total Posts: 5340
16 Jan 2014 11:21 PM
not that much lore but a solid 8/10
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silent11 is not online. silent11
Joined: 01 Sep 2010
Total Posts: 3688
17 Jan 2014 12:55 AM
bad x2
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Butterfluff is not online. Butterfluff
Joined: 04 Jul 2013
Total Posts: 4050
17 Jan 2014 01:26 AM
never trust kiddies writing fiction.
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ChevroletFord is not online. ChevroletFord
Joined: 05 Oct 2012
Total Posts: 4605
17 Jan 2014 01:27 AM
^
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gene7111 is not online. gene7111
Joined: 24 Feb 2010
Total Posts: 504
17 Jan 2014 01:38 AM
bad x3
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xcalibur is not online. xcalibur
Joined: 14 Mar 2008
Total Posts: 4719
17 Jan 2014 02:44 AM
Gary Stu.

Weird shift in perspective by the end.

Plot holes.

3/10.

This ain't no video game character, this is an OC. If you want to discuss about things, discuss gameplay mechanics before you set foot on the story.

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