|
| 08 Jan 2014 04:15 AM |
today, the first thing i said to myself when i woke up was,
"what girl is going to friendzone me today? how come girls are attracted to jerks? i'm a nice guy!"
before putting on my fedora and climbing out of bed
but you know what else i did? i decided to do something about it. that's right, ladies and gentlemen! i'm going to lose 250 pounds so i can get out of the friendzone! i put on my XXL gym shorts, as usual, but instead of going to my computer desk, i put on shoes and went outside. "ok, you can do this! you can do it!" i told myself as i started jogging. jesus christ, i could feel my flab jiggling as i moved. 2 driveways down, i could barely breathe, and i could taste blood coming from my poor, abused lungs. but you know what? i took out my ipod and put on some of my metallica music. those guys are really resplendent. anyways, i managed to make it halfway down the street before i turned back. pretty good progress for day 1, huh? i walked back home and opened the door and went back inside. i could barely stand. i collapsed right there. about half an hour later, i woke up and i realized how bad i smelled. "is this how i normally smell? my god!" then i took a 30 minute shower. afterwards, i took out my deodorant for the first time and applied it. when i looked in the mirror afterwards, i admired my resplendence. my fedora was absolutely glorious. specially ordered online. you can't find one like mine at wal-mart; check your fedora privelage. wish me luck!
in this moment, i am euphoric. not because of some phony god's blessings. but because i am enlightened by my own intelligence. |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
|
| 08 Jan 2014 04:16 AM |
| Can you make a tl;dr version plz |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
Vermijden
|
  |
| Joined: 25 Apr 2013 |
| Total Posts: 6853 |
|
| |
|
|
| 08 Jan 2014 04:29 AM |
"a story of drama and will"
tom hanks played it in the movie version he won 66660000000 grammy awards for best new rap album |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
| |
|
|
| 08 Jan 2014 05:11 AM |
"no r/atheism"
i do not affiliate with those obnoxious self-quoters |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
CurzonDax
|
  |
| Joined: 23 Aug 2013 |
| Total Posts: 5945 |
|
| |
|