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| 04 Jan 2014 10:01 PM |
I'm sorry for wasting your time It's like I did a hurtful crime I cry at night Because youre out of my sight You see a lonely tree with a body hanging from a rope Later on you hear a song It's one you havent heard for so long You go back hoping it was a nightmare, looking for me You stare at my house You see my favorite animal, a tiny mouse You look around, trying to find me But all you can see, is the small, lonely tree Under that tree, you see a tombstone Nothing else than that, except a bone Written on it is my name You read alyssa and you feel the shame Tears appear and roll off your cheeks And the tiny mouse runs away and squeaks You fall to your knees, and take your toll You remember that you hadnt talked to me for such a long time and acted like you had no feelings, or a soul, This moment seems like something youd in a book, picture, movie or scroll, And you finally realize that you had a heart of coal.
Credit to Discagal9 for certain lines. |
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| 04 Jan 2014 10:03 PM |
| Please tell me what you think |
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| 04 Jan 2014 10:12 PM |
| that is really good! spooky too! maybe a bit too deep! |
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RoboRuben
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| Joined: 22 Nov 2009 |
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| 04 Jan 2014 10:14 PM |
the problem here is that you're writing meaningful words and then writing lame words to rhyme with them
you have to find words that rhyme, but are both equal contributions to the work
~you better have burn heal~ |
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| 04 Jan 2014 10:15 PM |
| I enjoyed this, you have a fine knack for poetry my dear. |
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| 04 Jan 2014 10:30 PM |
the problem here is that you're writing meaningful words and then writing lame words to rhyme with them
you have to find words that rhyme, but are both equal contributions to the work
Pretty much this. |
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Miphis
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| Joined: 14 Aug 2012 |
| Total Posts: 134 |
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| 05 Jan 2014 12:40 AM |
| Intresting, I'm sorry. I just have so much to do Alyss. |
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fathat121
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| Joined: 26 Dec 2009 |
| Total Posts: 1926 |
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| 05 Jan 2014 07:03 AM |
| Overall, the perspective is still well-thought, yet the rhythm continues to appear a bit degenerated. I feel that balancing out syllabication is vital in the terms of writing a poem that rhymes. Still, this looks much more evenly polished compared to your first drafting. Keep it up. |
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| 05 Jan 2014 07:10 AM |
Great poem.
Glad you got a little bit out of writers block. |
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| 05 Jan 2014 07:38 AM |
What Rubo said. You need to find words that rhyme with the last word of the last line, but just as "meaningful"
You feel me |
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| 05 Jan 2014 08:05 AM |
This is... Wow.
A good wow, I mean. |
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| 05 Jan 2014 09:23 AM |
| Ye, nut lik dem bad wow's, sty awa frm dem bad wow's |
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| 05 Jan 2014 11:59 AM |
Had to correct a line
I'm sorry for wasting your time It's like I did a hurtful crime I cry at night Because youre out of my sight You see a lonely tree with a body hanging from a rope Later on you hear a song It's one you havent heard for so long You go back hoping it was a nightmare, looking for me You stare at my house You see my favorite animal, a tiny mouse You look around, trying to find me But all you can see, is the small, lonely tree Under that tree, you see a tombstone Nothing else than that, except a bone Written on it is my name You read alyssa and you feel the shame Tears appear and roll off your cheeks And the tiny mouse runs away and squeaks You fall to your knees, and take your toll You remember that you hadnt talked to me for such a long time and acted like you had no feelings, or a soul, This moment seems like something youd see in a book, picture, movie or scroll, And you finally realize that you had a heart of coal.
Credit to Discagal9 for certain lines. |
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Miphis
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| Joined: 14 Aug 2012 |
| Total Posts: 134 |
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| 06 Feb 2014 09:01 AM |
the problem here is that you're writing meaningful words and then writing lame words to rhyme with them
you have to find words that rhyme, but are both equal contributions to the work |
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| 06 Feb 2014 09:02 AM |
| You sound like Miphis, are you sure you're his sister. |
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Kisila
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| Joined: 01 Jul 2010 |
| Total Posts: 3452 |
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| 06 Feb 2014 09:03 AM |
omg a bunch of old mtvbers randomly posted on this forum
clapclapclap |
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| 06 Feb 2014 09:03 AM |
| Kisila I didn't even mean for Miphis' "sister" to write on the forum. |
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rose6666
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| Joined: 19 Jun 2011 |
| Total Posts: 6541 |
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| 06 Feb 2014 10:13 AM |
the problem here is that you're writing meaningful words and then writing lame words to rhyme with them
you have to find words that rhyme, but are both equal contributions to the work x5
Not every line has to rhyme either. I personally prefer poems that don't rhyme or barely rhyme. |
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| 06 Feb 2014 12:32 PM |
| I'm only good at rhyming poems. |
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Miphis
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| Joined: 14 Aug 2012 |
| Total Posts: 134 |
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