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Re: Poem (actually good this time..#

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iNightmares is not online. iNightmares
Joined: 17 Aug 2009
Total Posts: 983
04 Jan 2014 10:01 PM
I'm sorry for wasting your time
It's like I did a hurtful crime
I cry at night
Because youre out of my sight
You see a lonely tree with a body hanging from a rope
Later on you hear a song
It's one you havent heard for so long
You go back hoping it was a nightmare, looking for me
You stare at my house
You see my favorite animal, a tiny mouse
You look around, trying to find me
But all you can see, is the small, lonely tree
Under that tree, you see a tombstone
Nothing else than that, except a bone
Written on it is my name
You read alyssa and you feel the shame
Tears appear and roll off your cheeks
And the tiny mouse runs away and squeaks
You fall to your knees, and take your toll
You remember that you hadnt talked to me for such a long time and acted like you had no feelings, or a soul,
This moment seems like something youd in a book, picture, movie or scroll,
And you finally realize that you had a heart of coal.

Credit to Discagal9 for certain lines.
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iNightmares is not online. iNightmares
Joined: 17 Aug 2009
Total Posts: 983
04 Jan 2014 10:03 PM
Please tell me what you think
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iNightmares is not online. iNightmares
Joined: 17 Aug 2009
Total Posts: 983
04 Jan 2014 10:06 PM
BUMP
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ancientbloko is not online. ancientbloko
Joined: 02 Oct 2010
Total Posts: 5
04 Jan 2014 10:12 PM
that is really good! spooky too! maybe a bit too deep!
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iNightmares is not online. iNightmares
Joined: 17 Aug 2009
Total Posts: 983
04 Jan 2014 10:14 PM
I guess...
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RoboRuben is not online. RoboRuben
Joined: 22 Nov 2009
Total Posts: 4630
04 Jan 2014 10:14 PM
the problem here is that you're writing meaningful words and then writing lame words to rhyme with them

you have to find words that rhyme, but are both equal contributions to the work

~you better have burn heal~
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capricutie is not online. capricutie
Joined: 15 Jan 2012
Total Posts: 951
04 Jan 2014 10:15 PM
I enjoyed this, you have a fine knack for poetry my dear.
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iNightmares is not online. iNightmares
Joined: 17 Aug 2009
Total Posts: 983
04 Jan 2014 10:18 PM
Thank you.
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mageofpower is not online. mageofpower
Top 100 Poster
Joined: 01 Feb 2009
Total Posts: 43654
04 Jan 2014 10:30 PM
the problem here is that you're writing meaningful words and then writing lame words to rhyme with them

you have to find words that rhyme, but are both equal contributions to the work



Pretty much this.
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Miphis is not online. Miphis
Joined: 14 Aug 2012
Total Posts: 134
05 Jan 2014 12:40 AM
Intresting, I'm sorry. I just have so much to do Alyss.
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SHERIFFPOPPY is not online. SHERIFFPOPPY
Joined: 23 Jul 2006
Total Posts: 18217
05 Jan 2014 12:44 AM
Excellent!
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fathat121 is not online. fathat121
Joined: 26 Dec 2009
Total Posts: 1926
05 Jan 2014 07:03 AM
Overall, the perspective is still well-thought, yet the rhythm continues to appear a bit degenerated. I feel that balancing out syllabication is vital in the terms of writing a poem that rhymes. Still, this looks much more evenly polished compared to your first drafting. Keep it up.
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swiftattak7 is not online. swiftattak7
Joined: 09 Jul 2011
Total Posts: 8029
05 Jan 2014 07:10 AM
Great poem.



Glad you got a little bit out of writers block.
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picklebuddy7321 is not online. picklebuddy7321
Joined: 23 Jul 2012
Total Posts: 1727
05 Jan 2014 07:16 AM
It's emotional....
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legosareawesome616 is not online. legosareawesome616
Joined: 03 Aug 2011
Total Posts: 4138
05 Jan 2014 07:38 AM
What Rubo said. You need to find words that rhyme with the last word of the last line, but just as "meaningful"

You feel me
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RandomSheep is not online. RandomSheep
Joined: 17 Feb 2013
Total Posts: 2979
05 Jan 2014 08:05 AM
This is... Wow.

A good wow, I mean.
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swiftattak7 is not online. swiftattak7
Joined: 09 Jul 2011
Total Posts: 8029
05 Jan 2014 09:23 AM
Ye, nut lik dem bad wow's, sty awa frm dem bad wow's
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iNightmares is not online. iNightmares
Joined: 17 Aug 2009
Total Posts: 983
05 Jan 2014 11:59 AM
Had to correct a line


I'm sorry for wasting your time
It's like I did a hurtful crime
I cry at night
Because youre out of my sight
You see a lonely tree with a body hanging from a rope
Later on you hear a song
It's one you havent heard for so long
You go back hoping it was a nightmare, looking for me
You stare at my house
You see my favorite animal, a tiny mouse
You look around, trying to find me
But all you can see, is the small, lonely tree
Under that tree, you see a tombstone
Nothing else than that, except a bone
Written on it is my name
You read alyssa and you feel the shame
Tears appear and roll off your cheeks
And the tiny mouse runs away and squeaks
You fall to your knees, and take your toll
You remember that you hadnt talked to me for such a long time and acted like you had no feelings, or a soul,
This moment seems like something youd see in a book, picture, movie or scroll,
And you finally realize that you had a heart of coal.

Credit to Discagal9 for certain lines.
Report Abuse
Miphis is not online. Miphis
Joined: 14 Aug 2012
Total Posts: 134
06 Feb 2014 09:01 AM
the problem here is that you're writing meaningful words and then writing lame words to rhyme with them

you have to find words that rhyme, but are both equal contributions to the work
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iNightmares is not online. iNightmares
Joined: 17 Aug 2009
Total Posts: 983
06 Feb 2014 09:02 AM
You sound like Miphis, are you sure you're his sister.
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Kisila is not online. Kisila
Joined: 01 Jul 2010
Total Posts: 3452
06 Feb 2014 09:03 AM
omg a bunch of old mtvbers randomly posted on this forum

clapclapclap
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iNightmares is not online. iNightmares
Joined: 17 Aug 2009
Total Posts: 983
06 Feb 2014 09:03 AM
Kisila I didn't even mean for Miphis' "sister" to write on the forum.
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rose6666 is not online. rose6666
Joined: 19 Jun 2011
Total Posts: 6541
06 Feb 2014 10:13 AM
the problem here is that you're writing meaningful words and then writing lame words to rhyme with them

you have to find words that rhyme, but are both equal contributions to the work x5

Not every line has to rhyme either. I personally prefer poems that don't rhyme or barely rhyme.
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iNightmares is not online. iNightmares
Joined: 17 Aug 2009
Total Posts: 983
06 Feb 2014 12:32 PM
I'm only good at rhyming poems.
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Miphis is not online. Miphis
Joined: 14 Aug 2012
Total Posts: 134
13 Mar 2014 10:16 PM
So you say
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