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Re: Please give me feedback for my story

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PissedOffRodney is not online. PissedOffRodney
Joined: 23 Jun 2013
Total Posts: 254
22 Dec 2013 07:42 PM
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zepher32 is not online. zepher32
Joined: 27 Apr 2008
Total Posts: 3135
22 Dec 2013 07:47 PM
Future tip:
Don't use so many commas.

But other than that, I like the idea.
Make sure it's not cliche, though.
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MasterAvocado is not online. MasterAvocado
Joined: 15 May 2013
Total Posts: 996
22 Dec 2013 07:56 PM
I like it! But Zepher is right; too many commas
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legosareawesome616 is not online. legosareawesome616
Joined: 03 Aug 2011
Total Posts: 4138
22 Dec 2013 08:01 PM
This was the description of the plot, not the actually start of the story.

And it sounds good.
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PissedOffRodney is not online. PissedOffRodney
Joined: 23 Jun 2013
Total Posts: 254
22 Dec 2013 08:10 PM
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XxThundagaxX is not online. XxThundagaxX
Joined: 05 Jun 2010
Total Posts: 6335
22 Dec 2013 08:11 PM
Sounds like the intro to a Bethesda game.
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PissedOffRodney is not online. PissedOffRodney
Joined: 23 Jun 2013
Total Posts: 254
22 Dec 2013 08:45 PM
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aznguyitran is not online. aznguyitran
Joined: 23 Jul 2006
Total Posts: 18600
22 Dec 2013 08:45 PM
This is good feedback
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PissedOffRodney is not online. PissedOffRodney
Joined: 23 Jun 2013
Total Posts: 254
23 Dec 2013 06:45 AM
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XxThundagaxX is not online. XxThundagaxX
Joined: 05 Jun 2010
Total Posts: 6335
23 Dec 2013 11:03 AM
bump for your benefit.
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Saj1000 is not online. Saj1000
Joined: 22 May 2013
Total Posts: 333
23 Dec 2013 11:07 AM
Make a story where a giant sewer is stocked full of poop and radioactive goo gets on it and it comes to life and start to eat people and then poop them in the toilet for revenge.
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aznguyitran is not online. aznguyitran
Joined: 23 Jul 2006
Total Posts: 18600
24 Dec 2013 12:01 AM
Story enjoyed it I the.
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TheDivergentTribute is not online. TheDivergentTribute
Joined: 25 Jul 2013
Total Posts: 1674
24 Dec 2013 12:23 AM
sounds a tad like divergent but i like it
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Heyheyhey195 is not online. Heyheyhey195
Joined: 29 Nov 2011
Total Posts: 741
24 Dec 2013 01:10 AM
If you hope to one day publish this, I recommend using a synonym for 'faction'. Otherwise, people will say that you're copying Divergent (By: Veronica Roth). You would have to add more elements of conflict other than the sword-fighting tournament so that the story doesn't drag.
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aznguyitran is not online. aznguyitran
Joined: 23 Jul 2006
Total Posts: 18600
24 Dec 2013 01:44 AM
Wisdom story and learning in.

good
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