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Re: Enclosure (A sneak-peak of my in-progress novel.)

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Heyheyhey195 is not online. Heyheyhey195
Joined: 29 Nov 2011
Total Posts: 741
18 Dec 2013 12:10 PM
Ten years.

All the buildings run on solar power. Textbooks are tablets. Everyone has smart-phones and smart-TVs, and smart-printers, and smart-calculators, smart-ect. The world I used to love has almost completely changed in only ten years.
The goverment has taken away practicaly everything that I ever looked forward to. When I turned 16 I was taken away from my family. In three months -and one day- when I turn 18, I'll be paired with a husband and job. Tomorrow I'll fill out a, umm, application and that will be returned to the lovely people at the Justice Department. Oh, and we're not allowed to go outside (unless instructed). Minimum human interaction is the most enforced law. Of course, we have (smart)webcams (installed in our smart-computers - smart is quite an overused word these days.) that can be used whenever. Actually, now that I think about it, I believe my mom will be requesting a chat soon.

Five minutes later I sit down to my computer after hearing it beep. (beep, beep, beep.) I click "Answer" on the screen and am greeted by my mom's bright face. She's a beautiful woman - bright-green eyes, hair the color of sun through maple syrup, and rosy cheeks - I must admit that, but there's always been some tension between us.
"Good afternoon, Zera," My mom said when my webcam (let's just assume any technology is 'smart') came into focus.
"Hello, Mom. Nice to see you. It's been about-er-five months since we last talked," I reply, stiffly.
To me she looks warm, but her voice has always been cold, like freshly fallen snow. "You have a big day tomorrow, is that correct?"
"Well, it could be bigger," I could be attending your funeral, I thought. "It's not like I'll be meeting my husband." She gave me a glare. I don't think it's possible for her not to glare when we talk.
"Yes, you have always enjoyed company, haven't you?"
I scoff, and retort, "It's only because I have sense." That's when she logged off. "What a great mother," I say to myself.




(Obviously, I can't use italics on Roblox. So, sorry, if you can't tell when Zera is thinking or being sarcastic.)

(Go ahead! Criticize. That's why I posted this. Tell me how it could be better. I really appreciate it.)
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EpicBoyMike is not online. EpicBoyMike
Joined: 25 Dec 2011
Total Posts: 5037
18 Dec 2013 12:24 PM
good
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Heyheyhey195 is not online. Heyheyhey195
Joined: 29 Nov 2011
Total Posts: 741
18 Dec 2013 12:34 PM
Thanks.
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jjj344 is not online. jjj344
Joined: 19 Dec 2010
Total Posts: 12709
18 Dec 2013 02:28 PM
Wrong section ...
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0Z0NE is not online. 0Z0NE
Joined: 25 May 2010
Total Posts: 7951
18 Dec 2013 05:48 PM
[ Content Deleted ]
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XSR4 is not online. XSR4
Joined: 25 Jun 2013
Total Posts: 142
18 Dec 2013 07:09 PM
you need to redo English class
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0Z0NE is not online. 0Z0NE
Joined: 25 May 2010
Total Posts: 7951
18 Dec 2013 09:15 PM
[ Content Deleted ]
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evilishnessII is not online. evilishnessII
Joined: 26 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 10275
18 Dec 2013 10:00 PM
Excuse the critics, Tripple H. I think it was great, and can't wait to see more! You have a lot of potential and I think you may have a future in literature.
What's this story called? I'll be looking for it on the shelves of my local bookstore. :)
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0Z0NE is not online. 0Z0NE
Joined: 25 May 2010
Total Posts: 7951
18 Dec 2013 10:00 PM
[ Content Deleted ]
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evilishnessII is not online. evilishnessII
Joined: 26 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 10275
18 Dec 2013 10:18 PM
^Don't be a d!ck.
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MarkJarkson is not online. MarkJarkson
Joined: 17 Feb 2012
Total Posts: 20492
18 Dec 2013 11:26 PM
Okay, apparently nobody has offered any real non-violent advice [or just said it was good] and that works, I suppose. I can point out the three critical flaws.

1. The grammar [note: not spelling] was terrifying. I'd recommend getting a good editor or take some classes. It was bad, all around.

2. The plot seems dull and overused [note: not a bad thing in itself, but you don't seem to be spicing it up at all. i'm sure attractive to somebody who wants to get an agent and their first book published. which i mean, isn't bad, as then you can take a lot more liberty on your next novel and etc. so essentially if you can read through what i'm saying, the plot's dull, but it's a safe bet for an agent, from what i see. wouldn't expect a lot of sales if it makes it that far.]

3. The size, and the character development is slow and sort of nonsensical. You gave a darkish intro, then threw it into a sort of light sarcastic quick character built up, which lasted extremely short. I feel like that needs to be lengthened, or cut out, as it gives it an impression of straddling two fences, an easy and common mistake for a lot of people like you. Also, I think you should slowly had introduced some more character physical build up in the beginning, and you sped right into the rising action, which is something you should avoid if you plan on making this into a novel. You should have a chapter or two in the introduction stage [longish chapters, not short 2-3 pages.].
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