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| 18 Dec 2013 02:12 AM |
NIGHTNINGALE Through the thick foilage Is a spot of brown That makes a sound But that sound is barely heard though, yet. For the orange and yellow stained leaves Fall one by one onto the Green grass. An eerie silence. Then, the spot of brown, a bird, makes a louder sound A whistle it seems A high pitched melody echoes And entwines with the sound of nature Creating a fantastic tune That overlaps and complements the nature. Then, the bird stops. An eerie silence begina again. |
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BlastB00M
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| Joined: 11 Nov 2011 |
| Total Posts: 25555 |
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| 18 Dec 2013 01:18 PM |
The movies are grey. The TV is black The horses are running Please send for a pizza. |
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sba2004
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| Joined: 27 Feb 2009 |
| Total Posts: 5219 |
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| 18 Dec 2013 01:20 PM |
Roses are red
Violets are VIOLET
NOT BLUE
GOD DAMNIT
-Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?- |
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| 18 Dec 2013 01:24 PM |
It said to rate it out of five in terms of exellence.
>Inevitability< |
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| 18 Dec 2013 01:27 PM |
4 I liked it. I don't think I could spot any major flaws. |
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| 18 Dec 2013 08:17 PM |
Sounds okay.
4/5
-Ich hab' keine Lust- |
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| 18 Dec 2013 08:55 PM |
| seems like you're trying too hard to make it all deep and descriptive |
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| 18 Dec 2013 08:56 PM |
Err my gut reaction is 3
But I can't find major flaws...
I'll give a 3.5(7/10) |
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| 18 Dec 2013 08:57 PM |
Naw, it took me around three minutes to make, got it from the top of my head.
>Inevitability< |
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TSEliot
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| Joined: 14 Nov 2013 |
| Total Posts: 197 |
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| 18 Dec 2013 08:58 PM |
3/5
i feel like the line breaks werent chosen for any reason other than they had to happen in some cases i feel line breaks in different locations would be better but other than that i find no fault in it |
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| 18 Dec 2013 08:59 PM |
Yeah I did the line breaks for no reason.
>Inevitability< |
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TSEliot
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| Joined: 14 Nov 2013 |
| Total Posts: 197 |
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| 18 Dec 2013 09:02 PM |
for example i think that
"For the orange and yellow stained leaves Fall one by one onto the Green grass. An eerie silence."
would be better as
"For the orange and yellow stained leaves Fall one by one onto the Green grass. An eerie silence."
and then maybe end the stanza on the silence before going to the next part too my version splits the colors to emphasize them and the level effect of the "fall one by one" gives the sensation of falling leaves |
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| 18 Dec 2013 09:04 PM |
| the hell? ot is being helpful |
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| 18 Dec 2013 09:05 PM |
| oh and the poem needs more twinkies |
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| 18 Dec 2013 09:07 PM |
What is a twinkie.
>Inevitability< |
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| 18 Dec 2013 09:09 PM |
"What is a twinkie."
if you don't know what a twinkie is you've never lived
at least not happily |
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| 18 Dec 2013 09:11 PM |
So it's a happy thing?
>Inevitability< |
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| 18 Dec 2013 09:12 PM |
twinkies are love twinkies are life
just look them up
twinkies are what makes the world go round |
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| 18 Dec 2013 09:13 PM |
Through the thick foilage Is a spot of brown That makes a sound But that sound is barely heard though, yet. For the orange and yellow stained leaves Fall one by one onto the Green grass. An eerie silence. Then, the spot of brown, a bird, makes a louder sound A whistle it seems A high pitched melody echoes And entwines with the sound of nature Creating a fantastic tune That overlaps and complements the nature. Then, the bird stops. An eerie silence begins again.
-no puncuation needed at end of sentence in poetry
Through the thick foilage Is a spot of brown That makes a sound But that sound is barely heard though, yet For the orange and yellow stained leaves Fall one by one onto the Green grass. An eerie silence Then, the spot of brown, a bird, makes a louder sound A whistle it seems A high pitched melody echoes And entwines with the sound of nature Creating a fantastic tune That overlaps and complements the nature Then, the bird stops. An eerie silence begins again
-randomn line breaks do not allow stanzas
Through the thick foilage Is a spot of brown That makes a sound But that sound is barely heard, For the orange and yellow stained leaves Fall one by one onto the green grass As an eerie silence rings into the air Then, the spot of brown, A bird, makes a louder sound A whistle, it almost is A high pitched melody echoes And entwines with the sound of nature Creating a fantastic tune That overlaps and complements the nature Then,the bird stops And the eerie silence begins again
-Now that the breaks are fixed, we need stanzas
Through the thick foilage Is a spot of brown That makes a sound But that sound is barely heard,
For the orange and yellow stained leaves Fall one by one onto the green grass As an eerie silence rings into the air Then, the spot of brown,
A bird, makes a louder sound A whistle, it almost is A high pitched melody echoes And entwines with the sound of nature
Creating a fantastic tune That overlaps and complements the nature Then,the bird stops And the eerie silence begins again
~just my two cents~
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