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Re: Read my poem and give me feedback, also, rate it out of 5

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Guineapiggles is not online. Guineapiggles
Joined: 30 Sep 2012
Total Posts: 5646
18 Dec 2013 02:12 AM
NIGHTNINGALE
Through the thick foilage
Is a spot of brown
That makes a sound
But that sound is barely heard though, yet.
For the orange and yellow stained leaves
Fall one by one onto the
Green grass. An eerie silence.
Then, the spot of brown, a bird, makes a louder sound
A whistle it seems
A high pitched melody echoes
And entwines with the sound of nature
Creating a fantastic tune
That overlaps and complements the nature.
Then, the bird stops.
An eerie silence begina again.
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Guineapiggles is not online. Guineapiggles
Joined: 30 Sep 2012
Total Posts: 5646
18 Dec 2013 01:15 PM
Begins*
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BlastB00M is not online. BlastB00M
Joined: 11 Nov 2011
Total Posts: 25555
18 Dec 2013 01:18 PM
The movies are grey.
The TV is black
The horses are running
Please send for a pizza.
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sba2004 is not online. sba2004
Joined: 27 Feb 2009
Total Posts: 5219
18 Dec 2013 01:20 PM
Roses are red

Violets are VIOLET

NOT BLUE

GOD DAMNIT

-Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?-
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Guineapiggles is not online. Guineapiggles
Joined: 30 Sep 2012
Total Posts: 5646
18 Dec 2013 01:24 PM
It said to rate it out of five in terms of exellence.

>Inevitability<
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ferrykeizer is not online. ferrykeizer
Joined: 14 Oct 2008
Total Posts: 31056
18 Dec 2013 01:27 PM
4
I liked it. I don't think I could spot any major flaws.
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Guineapiggles is not online. Guineapiggles
Joined: 30 Sep 2012
Total Posts: 5646
18 Dec 2013 08:16 PM
OThank you

>Inevitability<
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godzilla2321 is not online. godzilla2321
Joined: 17 Apr 2009
Total Posts: 13184
18 Dec 2013 08:17 PM
Sounds okay.

4/5

-Ich hab' keine Lust-
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Guineapiggles is not online. Guineapiggles
Joined: 30 Sep 2012
Total Posts: 5646
18 Dec 2013 08:54 PM
C:

>Inevitability<
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slayer0991 is not online. slayer0991
Joined: 27 Sep 2013
Total Posts: 1508
18 Dec 2013 08:55 PM
seems like you're trying too hard to make it all deep and descriptive
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SpiritedLightMare is not online. SpiritedLightMare
Joined: 24 Oct 2013
Total Posts: 5804
18 Dec 2013 08:56 PM
Err my gut reaction is 3

But I can't find major flaws...

I'll give a 3.5(7/10)
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Guineapiggles is not online. Guineapiggles
Joined: 30 Sep 2012
Total Posts: 5646
18 Dec 2013 08:57 PM
Naw, it took me around three minutes to make, got it from the top of my head.

>Inevitability<
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TSEliot is not online. TSEliot
Joined: 14 Nov 2013
Total Posts: 197
18 Dec 2013 08:58 PM
3/5

i feel like the line breaks werent chosen for any reason other than they had to happen
in some cases i feel line breaks in different locations would be better but other than that i find no fault in it
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Guineapiggles is not online. Guineapiggles
Joined: 30 Sep 2012
Total Posts: 5646
18 Dec 2013 08:59 PM
Yeah I did the line breaks for no reason.

>Inevitability<
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PartehPoison is not online. PartehPoison
Joined: 30 Aug 2011
Total Posts: 12143
18 Dec 2013 09:00 PM
[ Content Deleted ]
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Guineapiggles is not online. Guineapiggles
Joined: 30 Sep 2012
Total Posts: 5646
18 Dec 2013 09:01 PM
Lol, haha.

>Inevitability<
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TSEliot is not online. TSEliot
Joined: 14 Nov 2013
Total Posts: 197
18 Dec 2013 09:02 PM
for example i think that

"For the orange and yellow stained leaves
Fall one by one onto the
Green grass. An eerie silence."

would be better as

"For the orange
and yellow
stained leaves
Fall
one
by
one
onto the
Green grass.
An eerie silence."

and then maybe end the stanza on the silence before going to the next part too
my version splits the colors to emphasize them and the level effect of the "fall one by one" gives the sensation of falling leaves
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noswad0208 is not online. noswad0208
Joined: 13 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 12881
18 Dec 2013 09:04 PM
the hell? ot is being helpful
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Guineapiggles is not online. Guineapiggles
Joined: 30 Sep 2012
Total Posts: 5646
18 Dec 2013 09:04 PM
Thanks

>Inevitability<
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noswad0208 is not online. noswad0208
Joined: 13 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 12881
18 Dec 2013 09:05 PM
oh and the poem needs more twinkies
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Guineapiggles is not online. Guineapiggles
Joined: 30 Sep 2012
Total Posts: 5646
18 Dec 2013 09:07 PM
What is a twinkie.

>Inevitability<
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noswad0208 is not online. noswad0208
Joined: 13 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 12881
18 Dec 2013 09:09 PM
"What is a twinkie."


if you don't know what a twinkie is you've never lived

at least not happily
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Guineapiggles is not online. Guineapiggles
Joined: 30 Sep 2012
Total Posts: 5646
18 Dec 2013 09:11 PM
So it's a happy thing?

>Inevitability<
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noswad0208 is not online. noswad0208
Joined: 13 Apr 2010
Total Posts: 12881
18 Dec 2013 09:12 PM
twinkies are love
twinkies are life

just look them up

twinkies are what makes the world go round
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SpiritedLightMare is not online. SpiritedLightMare
Joined: 24 Oct 2013
Total Posts: 5804
18 Dec 2013 09:13 PM
Through the thick foilage
Is a spot of brown
That makes a sound
But that sound is barely heard though, yet.
For the orange and yellow stained leaves
Fall one by one onto the
Green grass. An eerie silence.
Then, the spot of brown, a bird, makes a louder sound
A whistle it seems
A high pitched melody echoes
And entwines with the sound of nature
Creating a fantastic tune
That overlaps and complements the nature.
Then, the bird stops.
An eerie silence begins again.

-no puncuation needed at end of sentence in poetry

Through the thick foilage
Is a spot of brown
That makes a sound
But that sound is barely heard though, yet
For the orange and yellow stained leaves
Fall one by one onto the
Green grass. An eerie silence
Then, the spot of brown, a bird, makes a louder sound
A whistle it seems
A high pitched melody echoes
And entwines with the sound of nature
Creating a fantastic tune
That overlaps and complements the nature
Then, the bird stops.
An eerie silence begins again

-randomn line breaks do not allow stanzas

Through the thick foilage
Is a spot of brown
That makes a sound
But that sound is barely heard,
For the orange and yellow stained leaves
Fall one by one onto the green grass
As an eerie silence rings into the air
Then, the spot of brown,
A bird, makes a louder sound
A whistle, it almost is
A high pitched melody echoes
And entwines with the sound of nature
Creating a fantastic tune
That overlaps and complements the nature
Then,the bird stops
And the eerie silence begins again

-Now that the breaks are fixed, we need stanzas

Through the thick foilage
Is a spot of brown
That makes a sound
But that sound is barely heard,

For the orange and yellow stained leaves
Fall one by one onto the green grass
As an eerie silence rings into the air
Then, the spot of brown,

A bird, makes a louder sound
A whistle, it almost is
A high pitched melody echoes
And entwines with the sound of nature

Creating a fantastic tune
That overlaps and complements the nature
Then,the bird stops
And the eerie silence begins again


~just my two cents~
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