generic image
Processing...
  • Games
  • Catalog
  • Develop
  • Robux
  • Search in Players
  • Search in Games
  • Search in Catalog
  • Search in Groups
  • Search in Library
  • Log In
  • Sign Up
  • Games
  • Catalog
  • Develop
  • Robux
We use cookies to offer you a better experience. By using Roblox.com, you are agreeing to our Privacy and Cookie Policy.
   
ROBLOX Forum » Movies/TV/Books
Home Search
 

Re: The 68th Hunger Games - Reaping

Previous Thread :: Next Thread 
lolmaster785 is not online. lolmaster785
Joined: 19 Feb 2012
Total Posts: 15
12 Dec 2013 12:57 PM
"Ah! You'll fit eventually!" My mother says.
She once again lifts the dress us my body. It finally fits.
"There. That took a while." She says, admiring her work.
"It's. Not. Comfortable!" I scream. My mother and I never see eye to eye.
"Well to bad! You look beautiful! Now stop complaining!" She screeches.
You'd think she would be a bit more nicer on the day of the reaping, but no. She is her regular, witch self.
"Now. Are you feeling alright?" She asks.
"I'd feel better if I could breath." I spit at her, grasping my lungs.
The klaxon sounds.

As if an invitation to death (which it actually is), the house falls silent, and we walk, somberly, to the square of District 10.
"Now listen, Laura. You'll be fine. You are 16. How many votes do you have in?"
"15. Add 10 for all the years of tesserae." Its the Capitols way of teasing us. I'm only 16! I should have 5, not 15! It's so frustrating.. but I can't speak out. I learnt that the hard way.
"Now. Go out there, and make me proud!" She beams.
"How..?" I ask, unsure.
"By keeping your head down and ignoring the cameras." She says.
I laugh. My mother can have a good sense of humour when we're not fighting.
So I do exactly what she says. I walk into the 16 year old 'pen', and keep my head down. My auburn locks get in my eyes.
I just fiddle with them until the video is over.
"Welcome welcome, to the 68th annual hunger games!" The Escort, I think his name is Pristine, beams. He is a right pansy; Pink hair, Pink suit, pink jewels encrusted onto his eyelids. It's out-right grotesque.
"Now, for the women!" He says. He scraggles around the bowl.
Please not me. Please not me. Please not me.
"Laura Bloomsfields!"

It's me.
I let out a deep sigh, and walk to the stage.
"Hello lovey!" He says. I ignore him, and stare into the distance. I see our barn, I think that's our pig pen over there. Who would know? Every ones house in 10 looks the same.
"Porcuss Wheatman!" He beams.
Oh. Okay. Well. Most people have relations with their partner, but I don't.
I probably do. I just don't remember.
He staggers up onto the stage. He's limping. He probably got hit by that bull that went rampaging in the square a few days ago. That was hilarious. Quite a few people got hurt. But oh well.
It wasn't me.
"Now shake hands you two!" He says, jewels blinding me.
I shake hands with him. They are deathly cold.
"And may the odds be ever in your favour!" He beams, as we walk into the Justice Building.
Report Abuse
swiftattak7 is not online. swiftattak7
Joined: 09 Jul 2011
Total Posts: 8029
12 Dec 2013 01:49 PM
Your writing style.

It's too robotic, it doesn't give any feeling to the scene.
Report Abuse
lolmaster785 is not online. lolmaster785
Joined: 19 Feb 2012
Total Posts: 15
13 Dec 2013 10:50 AM
Do you have any feedback, to how I could improve that, so I don't come across as robotic? PM me, please. Im looking to improve my writing.
Report Abuse
swiftattak7 is not online. swiftattak7
Joined: 09 Jul 2011
Total Posts: 8029
13 Dec 2013 12:16 PM
Well, if you want feedback you can join my writing group to have a bigger criticism.


But other than that I'd say to write things out in sentences instead of one after the other like a list.


I especially like the part when the mother joked on how she wanted her daughter to make her proud.


Other than that, put more feeling into it, if you were just chosen to compete in an arena where you'd have to fight to the death, how would you feel? Write your feelings out in paper, even if it's just a sentence or two, then expand those feelings into paragraphs.
Report Abuse
swiftattak7 is not online. swiftattak7
Joined: 09 Jul 2011
Total Posts: 8029
13 Dec 2013 12:35 PM
Well, if you want feedback you can join my writing group to have a bigger criticism.


But other than that I'd say to write things out in sentences instead of one after the other like a list.


I especially like the part when the mother joked on how she wanted her daughter to make her proud.


Other than that, put more feeling into it, if you were just chosen to compete in an arena where you'd have to fight to the death, how would you feel? Write your feelings out in paper, even if it's just a sentence or two, then expand those feelings into paragraphs.
Report Abuse
zepher32 is not online. zepher32
Joined: 27 Apr 2008
Total Posts: 3135
13 Dec 2013 02:34 PM
psst swift your double post is showing
Report Abuse
swiftattak7 is not online. swiftattak7
Joined: 09 Jul 2011
Total Posts: 8029
13 Dec 2013 09:17 PM
whoops,


*zips up*
Report Abuse
ventus48539 is not online. ventus48539
Joined: 09 Oct 2011
Total Posts: 115277
13 Dec 2013 09:19 PM
Cool a robotic writing style.
Report Abuse
aznguyitran is not online. aznguyitran
Joined: 23 Jul 2006
Total Posts: 18600
14 Dec 2013 03:02 AM
I remember i double posted before.

funny cool moment that was.
Report Abuse
Previous Thread :: Next Thread 
Page 1 of 1
 
 
ROBLOX Forum » Movies/TV/Books
   
 
   
  • About Us
  • Jobs
  • Blog
  • Parents
  • Help
  • Terms
  • Privacy

©2017 Roblox Corporation. Roblox, the Roblox logo, Robux, Bloxy, and Powering Imagination are among our registered and unregistered trademarks in the U.S. and other countries.



Progress
Starting Roblox...
Connecting to Players...
R R

Roblox is now loading. Get ready to play!

R R

You're moments away from getting into the game!

Click here for help

Check Remember my choice and click Launch Application in the dialog box above to join games faster in the future!

Gameplay sponsored by:
Loading 0% - Starting game...
Get more with Builders Club! Join Builders Club
Choose Your Avatar
I have an account
generic image