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Re: The story I'm writing (so far)

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TheEpicJax is not online. TheEpicJax
Joined: 19 Dec 2011
Total Posts: 4388
10 Dec 2013 05:40 PM

It's called Shadow Slayer, it's a superhero story (not my best work)
-CHAPTER ONE: INTRODUCTION-

The street lights were shining down on the dark streets of Armatropolis and gleaming stars peppered the black sky above. But this story is not focusing on the sky, nor

the alleyways. This story is about a man who hides in the shadows, and throughout the city, is called Shadow Slayer.
Armatropolis never liked people taking the law into their own hands, which is why the cops are always after him, but that still doesn't stop Shadow Slayer from defeating

the worst of the worst villians in Armatropolis. But in this story, an even greater problem falls into the hands of Shadow Slayer.


-CHAPTER TWO: A GREATER PROBLEM-
The sun was shining through the window as Ray Dredork woke up in his bed. He walked down his stairs and prepared some hot coffee and put it in a portable cup. "Yet

another morning..." he groaned as he walked out his door with keys in his hand. He unlocked his car door and sat down in his leather seat. He started up his car, and headed

towards his work at an office.
He drove by the Phillip's Electronics and looked at the display televisions in the window. The television flashed "BREAKING NEWS!". "What's going on?" Ray said to

himself. The news reporter said "The Armatropolis Civic Center has been taken over by an anonymous man! It is said that the man is holding hostages in there". "Oh my god" Ray

said to himself, as he stomped on the gas pedal. He didn't stop for any red lights or stop signs.
He stomped on the brake and jumped out of his car and ran into a dark alley. He pressed a hidden button on the side of a building and a door opened in the ground. He

jumped in and was soon in an underground base. He entered "5139" into a keypad beside a hi-tech door and an electronic voice said "Correct, hello Shadow Slayer". He reached

into the door and pulled out a black and white suit, two shining silver pistols, and a giant sword. He put on the suit, slid the sword into a pocket on his back, and put the pistols in

two holdsters on each side of his upper leg. He locked up the doors and climbed a ladder back to the street. He pulled a remote out of his pocket and aimed it at the car. The car instantly

transformed into a shiny black car with boosts on each side and the back. He jumped in and said "I'm ready".
______________________________________________
What do you guys think? Rate 1 - 10
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rocksrolling749 is not online. rocksrolling749
Joined: 11 Jul 2010
Total Posts: 20896
10 Dec 2013 05:41 PM
I dont like that story.

Excuse me, but that's inappropriate for school.
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sentry7743 is not online. sentry7743
Joined: 23 Aug 2013
Total Posts: 4445
10 Dec 2013 05:42 PM
needs better beginning in chapter one

"Oh look - I'm opening my box of care! Oh wait - it's empty!"
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razdeep12354 is not online. razdeep12354
Joined: 29 Jun 2010
Total Posts: 1108
10 Dec 2013 05:43 PM
Chapter 1 is really small..
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smiles1357 is not online. smiles1357
Joined: 03 Jul 2011
Total Posts: 6386
10 Dec 2013 05:43 PM
7

but why did

you type like

this
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TheEpicJax is not online. TheEpicJax
Joined: 19 Dec 2011
Total Posts: 4388
10 Dec 2013 05:43 PM
@rocks

Can't tell if troll
or just doesn't like the story
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rocksrolling749 is not online. rocksrolling749
Joined: 11 Jul 2010
Total Posts: 20896
10 Dec 2013 05:43 PM
I just don't like it.

Excuse me, but that's inappropriate for school.
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HiIoman is not online. HiIoman
Joined: 16 Mar 2012
Total Posts: 8238
10 Dec 2013 05:43 PM
i can tell just by not even reading the first line is bad

what the hell is "structure"?
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bobthecheeseburger is not online. bobthecheeseburger
Joined: 26 Oct 2012
Total Posts: 2663
10 Dec 2013 05:44 PM
It's a little bland.
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TheEpicJax is not online. TheEpicJax
Joined: 19 Dec 2011
Total Posts: 4388
10 Dec 2013 05:45 PM
@smiles

When I wrote it, it was normal. But when I copy and pasted it onto hear it was messed up, but I was too lazy to fix it.
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HiIoman is not online. HiIoman
Joined: 16 Mar 2012
Total Posts: 8238
10 Dec 2013 05:46 PM
just read it

lol
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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
10 Dec 2013 05:46 PM
this is the type of writing i think in my head as the most corny
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DwoTimensional is not online. DwoTimensional
Joined: 19 Jan 2013
Total Posts: 8064
10 Dec 2013 05:48 PM
this is comic book writing more than an actual book
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TheEpicJax is not online. TheEpicJax
Joined: 19 Dec 2011
Total Posts: 4388
10 Dec 2013 05:48 PM
@hiloman

You could, you know
give the story a chance
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mynameisidiot14 is not online. mynameisidiot14
Joined: 25 May 2012
Total Posts: 7160
10 Dec 2013 05:49 PM
Strait outta 3rd grade?
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HiIoman is not online. HiIoman
Joined: 16 Mar 2012
Total Posts: 8238
10 Dec 2013 05:49 PM
why should i

you didnt put any effort into it

you didnt even bother to fix it from the thing you c/p'd it from, sloppy and badly written stories don't deserve chances
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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
10 Dec 2013 05:50 PM
should i post my story

:>
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TheEpicJax is not online. TheEpicJax
Joined: 19 Dec 2011
Total Posts: 4388
10 Dec 2013 05:50 PM
Well thanks for the opinions, I will try to improve upon it.
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reddanger is not online. reddanger
Joined: 27 May 2009
Total Posts: 38075
10 Dec 2013 05:51 PM
i think you just need some structure

+ a ton of other things
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TheEpicJax is not online. TheEpicJax
Joined: 19 Dec 2011
Total Posts: 4388
10 Dec 2013 05:53 PM
@mynameis

You could give constructive critisism and not insult people for not liking their stories.

@hilo

Well sorry you didn't like it.
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TheEpicJax is not online. TheEpicJax
Joined: 19 Dec 2011
Total Posts: 4388
10 Dec 2013 05:54 PM
@reddanger

Thanks for the advice, I will work on it.
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mynameisidiot14 is not online. mynameisidiot14
Joined: 25 May 2012
Total Posts: 7160
10 Dec 2013 05:55 PM
Thats a generic superhero story. Underground bases futuristic doors and such are generic. Write about something interesting. Something that could actualy happen.
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mynameisidiot14 is not online. mynameisidiot14
Joined: 25 May 2012
Total Posts: 7160
10 Dec 2013 05:56 PM
Thats all i got to say. Im not the best writer myself either but i just think it was a bit bland.
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TheEpicJax is not online. TheEpicJax
Joined: 19 Dec 2011
Total Posts: 4388
10 Dec 2013 06:02 PM
Well, reading over it, I agree with alot of you guys.
It's is a bit bland and generic. It's the first superhero story I've written, so it's kind of an expieriment, but I guess superhero stories aren't my strong point in writing. I'll write another story tomorrow and post it. Thanks again for the inputs.

-Jax
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HiIoman is not online. HiIoman
Joined: 16 Mar 2012
Total Posts: 8238
10 Dec 2013 06:12 PM
take this as an example of how u should write

http://www.roblox.com/Forum/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=119979929
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