|
| 10 Dec 2013 05:40 PM |
It's called Shadow Slayer, it's a superhero story (not my best work) -CHAPTER ONE: INTRODUCTION- The street lights were shining down on the dark streets of Armatropolis and gleaming stars peppered the black sky above. But this story is not focusing on the sky, nor
the alleyways. This story is about a man who hides in the shadows, and throughout the city, is called Shadow Slayer. Armatropolis never liked people taking the law into their own hands, which is why the cops are always after him, but that still doesn't stop Shadow Slayer from defeating
the worst of the worst villians in Armatropolis. But in this story, an even greater problem falls into the hands of Shadow Slayer.
-CHAPTER TWO: A GREATER PROBLEM- The sun was shining through the window as Ray Dredork woke up in his bed. He walked down his stairs and prepared some hot coffee and put it in a portable cup. "Yet
another morning..." he groaned as he walked out his door with keys in his hand. He unlocked his car door and sat down in his leather seat. He started up his car, and headed
towards his work at an office. He drove by the Phillip's Electronics and looked at the display televisions in the window. The television flashed "BREAKING NEWS!". "What's going on?" Ray said to
himself. The news reporter said "The Armatropolis Civic Center has been taken over by an anonymous man! It is said that the man is holding hostages in there". "Oh my god" Ray
said to himself, as he stomped on the gas pedal. He didn't stop for any red lights or stop signs. He stomped on the brake and jumped out of his car and ran into a dark alley. He pressed a hidden button on the side of a building and a door opened in the ground. He
jumped in and was soon in an underground base. He entered "5139" into a keypad beside a hi-tech door and an electronic voice said "Correct, hello Shadow Slayer". He reached
into the door and pulled out a black and white suit, two shining silver pistols, and a giant sword. He put on the suit, slid the sword into a pocket on his back, and put the pistols in
two holdsters on each side of his upper leg. He locked up the doors and climbed a ladder back to the street. He pulled a remote out of his pocket and aimed it at the car. The car instantly
transformed into a shiny black car with boosts on each side and the back. He jumped in and said "I'm ready". ______________________________________________ What do you guys think? Rate 1 - 10 |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
|
| 10 Dec 2013 05:41 PM |
I dont like that story.
Excuse me, but that's inappropriate for school. |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
|
| 10 Dec 2013 05:42 PM |
needs better beginning in chapter one
"Oh look - I'm opening my box of care! Oh wait - it's empty!" |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
|
| 10 Dec 2013 05:43 PM |
| Chapter 1 is really small.. |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
|
| 10 Dec 2013 05:43 PM |
7
but why did
you type like
this |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
|
| 10 Dec 2013 05:43 PM |
@rocks
Can't tell if troll or just doesn't like the story |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
|
| 10 Dec 2013 05:43 PM |
I just don't like it.
Excuse me, but that's inappropriate for school. |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
HiIoman
|
  |
| Joined: 16 Mar 2012 |
| Total Posts: 8238 |
|
|
| 10 Dec 2013 05:43 PM |
i can tell just by not even reading the first line is bad
what the hell is "structure"? |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
| |
|
|
| 10 Dec 2013 05:45 PM |
@smiles
When I wrote it, it was normal. But when I copy and pasted it onto hear it was messed up, but I was too lazy to fix it. |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
HiIoman
|
  |
| Joined: 16 Mar 2012 |
| Total Posts: 8238 |
|
| |
|
reddanger
|
  |
| Joined: 27 May 2009 |
| Total Posts: 38075 |
|
|
| 10 Dec 2013 05:46 PM |
| this is the type of writing i think in my head as the most corny |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
|
| 10 Dec 2013 05:48 PM |
| this is comic book writing more than an actual book |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
|
| 10 Dec 2013 05:48 PM |
@hiloman
You could, you know give the story a chance |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
| |
|
HiIoman
|
  |
| Joined: 16 Mar 2012 |
| Total Posts: 8238 |
|
|
| 10 Dec 2013 05:49 PM |
why should i
you didnt put any effort into it
you didnt even bother to fix it from the thing you c/p'd it from, sloppy and badly written stories don't deserve chances |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
reddanger
|
  |
| Joined: 27 May 2009 |
| Total Posts: 38075 |
|
| |
|
|
| 10 Dec 2013 05:50 PM |
| Well thanks for the opinions, I will try to improve upon it. |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
reddanger
|
  |
| Joined: 27 May 2009 |
| Total Posts: 38075 |
|
|
| 10 Dec 2013 05:51 PM |
i think you just need some structure
+ a ton of other things |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
|
| 10 Dec 2013 05:53 PM |
@mynameis
You could give constructive critisism and not insult people for not liking their stories.
@hilo
Well sorry you didn't like it. |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
|
| 10 Dec 2013 05:54 PM |
@reddanger
Thanks for the advice, I will work on it. |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
|
| 10 Dec 2013 05:55 PM |
| Thats a generic superhero story. Underground bases futuristic doors and such are generic. Write about something interesting. Something that could actualy happen. |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
|
| 10 Dec 2013 05:56 PM |
| Thats all i got to say. Im not the best writer myself either but i just think it was a bit bland. |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
|
| 10 Dec 2013 06:02 PM |
Well, reading over it, I agree with alot of you guys. It's is a bit bland and generic. It's the first superhero story I've written, so it's kind of an expieriment, but I guess superhero stories aren't my strong point in writing. I'll write another story tomorrow and post it. Thanks again for the inputs.
-Jax |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|
HiIoman
|
  |
| Joined: 16 Mar 2012 |
| Total Posts: 8238 |
|
|
| 10 Dec 2013 06:12 PM |
take this as an example of how u should write
http://www.roblox.com/Forum/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=119979929 |
|
|
| Report Abuse |
|
|