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| 30 Oct 2013 04:46 PM |
Chapter 1, The new victims;Back in time
I saw a few people sitting around,I was just confused as much as they were.I helped them up and told them my story.Then they told me theirs. ''Hmm,Very weird,Same story as me.'' I said to them. I toured them around,But it was a bad time,I thought about it for a minute. Then i told them another story.But this one was urgent. I had to leave them with my brother so i could save the town.I saw some others were doing it so i went back to the town hall where they were.
I asked if any mayhem happened while i was gone,My brother said no but a friend needed some help.I calmed him down and went back to them still worried.My brother had the others on a tour,While he made a Teleportation Device,And a time machine. ''Remember that time when you failed to make a TP device?'' I asked him. ''Yes but ever since then i've started to get good at it. Can you try it for me?'' He said. ''Uh..I guess.'' I replied. I tried it out and it seemed fine.But he needed the ones that were stuck here to get in the time machine. |
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Olama5
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| Joined: 31 Jan 2010 |
| Total Posts: 2827 |
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| 30 Oct 2013 04:47 PM |
Fact about typing: After using a period (.) or comma (,), your supposed to put a space. That why people would be confused because they might not see them.
Just to let you know. |
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| 30 Oct 2013 04:50 PM |
| YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND 10-YEAR-OLDS. GET OFF OF ROBLOX. |
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| 30 Oct 2013 04:51 PM |
| Well,Don't get off of ROBLOX but get off of this thread... |
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ps2player
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| Joined: 07 Apr 2010 |
| Total Posts: 2116 |
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ps2player
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| Joined: 07 Apr 2010 |
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| 30 Oct 2013 05:27 PM |
"Were trapped: The New Victims"
Well I just wanna say that I'm glad you aren't trapped anymore. |
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| 30 Oct 2013 06:39 PM |
Chapter 2,Where are they?;Time travel,Oh god
I went to go get the 3,No sign of them. I looked around,And i found them in my room. I was very mad but i knew they were kinda new here so i let them go for a minute.Then i kicked them out.I knew i couldn't let them go into my bedroom,and i also knew that they could. I sighed and just brought them over there. Then they stepped into the time machine/TP Device.
They actually weren't anywhere. I was surprised.So i walked around and thought that they were gone and out of here,But what about me? I asked my brother why he diddn't let me time travel too. ''Well,It was too risky--Kinda.'' He replied. I shurged and just kept on walking,Until i just finnaly got tired of walking.I almost fell so it was a good idea to stop. |
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| 30 Oct 2013 06:42 PM |
| I will be doing 2 chapters per day so stay tuned! Also there will be no chapters on Halloween,so..Yea.. |
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zepher32
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| Joined: 27 Apr 2008 |
| Total Posts: 3135 |
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| 30 Oct 2013 08:01 PM |
Use spaces after your punctuation. Also, don't capitalize letters after commas. The story is also confusing, try to work on developing it slower instead of directly forcing the plot onto the reader. |
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| 30 Oct 2013 11:36 PM |
Yeah, also make a new paragraph when using speech marks.
"Hi bob" Said Jim.
"Hey Jim" Said Bob
"Got the drugs Jim?"
"Lets get high" |
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| 08 Nov 2013 12:45 PM |
Chapter 3
I looked down to see there was nowhere left to go; I was stuck. I felt like as if there were people crowding me so i just ran while I can. I started to get a headache so I sat down on a porch of a house and a old friend came out of the house and helped me up.
We walked into his house and we talked for a while, And then i saw the two in the closet... I slapped him in the face and let the two go... ''Sorry! I thought they were coming for us to take yo--'' He couldn't even finish his sentence. ''NO! They wouldn't!'' I said to him. I was very mad at him not to call me about this, I brought the two back to the town hall and i got some sleep. |
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| 08 Nov 2013 12:50 PM |
| While i think of another chapter you can read the first story to see how this began. Here's the link: http://web.roblox.com/Forum/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=115090759 |
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| 08 Nov 2013 12:51 PM |
@adventure You forgot to capitalize the last 'I'. |
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| 08 Nov 2013 12:53 PM |
also the title is grammatically incorrect |
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| 08 Nov 2013 12:54 PM |
| I know. This is a bit of a draft so there will be some errors... |
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| 08 Nov 2013 12:58 PM |
i'm just sayin like you could at least get the proper spelling of we're down before you put your stuff on the internet |
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sly115
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| Joined: 24 Apr 2011 |
| Total Posts: 74 |
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| 08 Nov 2013 12:58 PM |
I don't mean to be a ass, But the title is very misleading, It says your trapped, You get out after 1 paragraph, It says that he was very confused, Yet he knows where he is to get to his brother, and to save the town, Apparently.
If you'd let me i would like to work with you, it would be interesting to see the result. Just PM me if you are/aren't interested. |
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| 08 Nov 2013 02:47 PM |
| He? LOOK AT MY AVATAR FOR GHAWDS SAKE... |
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sly115
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| Joined: 24 Apr 2011 |
| Total Posts: 74 |
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| 08 Nov 2013 03:35 PM |
| ... You put, He was very confused much like the others. Plus, If your gonna get so bad tempered, then wuts the point? |
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| 08 Nov 2013 08:29 PM |
I read this. And i liked the story. |
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| 08 Nov 2013 10:30 PM |
Azng being the good guy since 1997.
I congratulate you. |
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| 08 Nov 2013 10:33 PM |
| I congratulate you for not getting B& |
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