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Re: what do you think of my 1/4 done essay?

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PompousFedora is not online. PompousFedora
Joined: 11 Sep 2013
Total Posts: 4146
25 Oct 2013 12:49 PM
Great, the first day on the job as a police officer. It's just a shame that I have to start on foot patrol. But, hey, at least I managed to get past of those ridiculous tests that are required for the job. The pays good too, maybe I should stop complaining, I'll be in patrol car in a matter of weeks, that is if I do good in my current position. Crime rates have been pretty low recently, I'd rather it stay like that since I don't want to die of a bullet to the head. The only thing that I'll be involved in are chasing down the odd mugger or helping a higher ranked officer pursue a suspect on foot.

Well, my only job is to wonder round a few blocks of the streets, my route involves passing the first national bank which may lead to something interesting later in life maybe. Just as I pass the bank, the alarm bells go off, I immediately ran straight to the bank and was soon greeted by other police officers and the S.W.A.T. teams ready for the culprits to step out. It was just a matter of seconds before about 15 criminals stepped out and started shooting every officer they could, but that's what I thought would happen in my head. The criminals went to the rooftops before the stolen helicopter we lost track of a week ago appeared, they clambered on board it one by one with complete caution. All we had to do now was think of a way to ground them.

Adrenaline rushed through my body with excitement as I got called over by one of the S.W.A.T. teams, they told me to drive the truck while all four of the team members shot their guns out the back in an attempt to shoot the helicopter down. This was really exciting for the first day of my job, also a very rare oppurtunity.
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janjanjneat is not online. janjanjneat
Joined: 11 Sep 2013
Total Posts: 849
25 Oct 2013 12:49 PM
essay?
it seems more like a story
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DerpfishHatesYou is not online. DerpfishHatesYou
Joined: 24 Oct 2013
Total Posts: 6325
25 Oct 2013 12:50 PM
[ Content Deleted ]
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PompousFedora is not online. PompousFedora
Joined: 11 Sep 2013
Total Posts: 4146
25 Oct 2013 12:50 PM
story essay
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janjanjneat is not online. janjanjneat
Joined: 11 Sep 2013
Total Posts: 849
25 Oct 2013 12:54 PM
>my route involves passing the first national bank which may lead to something interesting later in life maybe.
the maybe seems funny in there
i'd suggest removing it

>15 criminals
i'd write fifteen but i guess it's just personal preference

>out and started shooting every officer they could, but that's what I thought would happen in my head.
something about that seems unusual
the comma in there
idk
maybe you could say 'out and started shooting every officer they could, just as i had expected'

>oppurtunity.
opportunity
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NBolton is not online. NBolton
Joined: 14 Oct 2013
Total Posts: 680
25 Oct 2013 12:58 PM
I like it.
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StanAdam is not online. StanAdam
Joined: 20 Nov 2011
Total Posts: 9698
25 Oct 2013 12:59 PM
I would give it a 7/10. It seems okay, but add more figurative speech, teachers love that. And try to make your paragraphs link better.

个 Lost? My post is up there 个
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cheakyticklishgirl is not online. cheakyticklishgirl
Joined: 14 Jan 2013
Total Posts: 2941
25 Oct 2013 01:00 PM
I hake it I like it and hate it because I couldn't be asked to read.
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