Thagnox
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| Joined: 28 Jul 2013 |
| Total Posts: 11 |
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| 19 Oct 2013 10:47 AM |
So, yeah... this is my story which I've been working on for the longest time. Eh, enjoy?
--------------------- PROLOGUE Universal Connection --------------------- The moon-lit sky above the man let down showers of pure, bright and white light, so bright that the man needed sunglasses in order to see properly. Adjusting his hold on the package, he continued walking, being careful not to look directly towards the moon.
You could tell when you were getting close to the Other mansion by the crest of the Ruler being on everything you could see. Bushes, trees, the street, and the mansion gates up ahead.
But, of course, the man's prime destination was the Other mansion because that was where he needed to deliver the package. Noah knew this package was important to the Ruler, and that was why he took extra special care of it as he continued to walk.
The gate were finally able to seen in all of it's glory as Noah turned a corner on the path and saw the mansion in it's entirety behind the gate. It was three stories high with many windows and a large clock tower sticking out from the middle for the sentries and guards to watch out for enemies. And when you saw both it and the gate, you couldn't help but feel a sense of astonishment and admiration for whoever lived there.
The gate was large and painted in a goldish color over silver, to make it look even more grand than it did before. At any time, night or day, you could see that it was shining through the darkness and making itself seen by many.
As he got to where the path ended and was stopped by the gate, he was immediately grabbed by a guard. In his gruff voice, the guard asked, "Where's your identification?"
Grabbing it from his back pocket, Noah showed the guard that he was a certified member of the Other's higher rankings, as a carrier and exotic traveler. The guard made a signal that told one of the soldiers at the clock tower to open the gate.
With a loud creaking sound that hurt Noah's ears slightly, although he had gotten used to it, the gates opened and allowed Noah entry into the mansion grounds. The grounds were remarkably well kept even though the Ruler never really left his main study on the ground floor to look at them.
But none of that mattered to the carrier as he hurried along the path, looking up at the clock tower to confirm that it was near 12 in the morning. If Noah didn't give it to the Ruler in time, the Ruler would either murder him or send him to compost duty.
Rushing to the front doors, he knocked four times with the heavy Ruler-shaped knocker and the door swung open, emitting a glowing light from the torches on the wall. Taking a few steps forward, the doors swung shut behind him, closing off the blinding white light behind him and allowing Noah to take the sunglasses off.
Walking forward at a brisk pace as he saw a clock on the wall turn to 11:55 pm, he quickly got to the end of the long entry hallway and turned left to where the study or Ruler room was. As the time got closer and closer, Noah was sprinting down the hallway at this point as he finally got to the large and ornate door that led into the Ruler's rooms.
He opened it just as the clock struck midnight.
The Ruler was a man in his late twenties and had short brown hair that was slightly messy. He also had a bit of a stubble and wore a business suit with a red tie. The man smiled slightly as he pierced Noah with green eyes. "You made it."
Noah nodded and quickly gave the Ruler the package, which was what he had wanted the entire time. He turned to leave when the Ruler's voice called out to him. "Noah, don't go. You may want to see this."
He turned around in time to see the Ruler's hand gesturing to a large silver round object in the center of the room and the Ruler pulling out the leaf from the Ricashaw tree in a forbidden part of the Other. It was the last thing the Ruler needed for his special project... whatever that was. However, Noah had a feeling it had to do with the large silver round object.
Noah watched with wary eyes as the Ruler took the leaf and walked over to the object, holding it carefully and unscrewing a cap on the machine which he deposited the leaf into. He screwed it back together and walked over a bit to a large silver post with buttons and a number pad.
He punched three numbers into the number pad and the room went dark.
------------------ I'll post the rest later, but what do you think so far? Love it, hate it? Comment below, let me know! |
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| 19 Oct 2013 10:56 AM |
Wrong forum. Go to RP
~FINLAND!~ |
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SUNSHlNE
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| Joined: 30 Jun 2013 |
| Total Posts: 1123 |
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| 19 Oct 2013 10:56 AM |
This isn't even a roleplay.
Get out spy, lol. |
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Thagnox
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| Joined: 28 Jul 2013 |
| Total Posts: 11 |
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| 19 Oct 2013 11:12 AM |
| @Spy, it's called a story, genius. |
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SUNSHlNE
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| Joined: 30 Jun 2013 |
| Total Posts: 1123 |
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| 19 Oct 2013 11:14 AM |
| Though I do like it, has a nice feel to it :33 |
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| 19 Oct 2013 11:59 AM |
Yeah, there are a few things about this.
"Adjusting his hold on the package"
Saying "the package" implies that we already know the package. So "a package" would be more suited.
"You could tell when you were getting close to the Other mansion"
The reader has no idea what this "Other" mansion is.
" being on everything you could see"
No idea what this means.
" Bushes, trees, the street, and the mansion gates up ahead."
Not a correct sentence.
"Noah knew this package was important to the Ruler"
Who the heck is Noah, the only character in the story right now is the "man" so in the readers eye, Noah could be an entirely different person.
"The gate were finally able to seen in all of it's glory"
This sentence has too many errors.
If you say "The Gate" that means it's just one gate so you can't use "were."
"And when you saw both it and the gate, you couldn't help but feel a sense of astonishment and admiration for whoever lived there."
At this stage of writing never use "And" to start a sentence.
"both it and the gate"
What is this "it" in the sentence, use introduction.
"As he got to where the path ended and was stopped by the gate"
The path either ended or was stopped by the gate, not both. It makes the sentence sound like "he" was stopped by the gate.
"Ruler-shaped knocker"
We all have no idea what a "Ruler-shaped knocker" looks like.
"the door swung open, emitting a glowing light from the torches on the wall"
Emitting light from within the room, would sound more suitable.
"Noah nodded and quickly gave the Ruler the package, which was what he had wanted the entire time"
"which was what he had wanted the entire time"
Usles information.
"He turned around in time to see the Ruler's hand gesturing to a large silver round object in the center of the room and the Ruler pulling out the leaf from the Ricashaw tree in a forbidden part of the Other."
This sentence is too long, divide it in two.
***
In total the things that really stop the reader from enjoying this are; the lack of introduction, the grammar mistakes, and the plot holes.
I also advise to proof read and re-write this.
Join Writers Of Robox for more help, we have many members who are willing to take a look at your stories. |
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