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Re: The SS story. Chapter 12.

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Coolioso2 is not online. Coolioso2
Joined: 10 Aug 2012
Total Posts: 98
21 Sep 2013 03:53 AM
I have noticed that people have been writing Shadow Syndicate Stories so I thought I would give it a try.
I am sorry for any grammatical mistakes or spelling problems.

Prologue.
varrukas woke to the sound of a crow tapping on the window, he stared at it with awe, he had always thought they were beautiful creatures. He went to get a glass of water and got back into bed to try and get back to sleep. Suddenly there was a clatter from the kitchen, he looked over at his roommates bed, varukas was still fast asleep. He took his sword out of the hidden compartment under his bed and approached the kitchen with caution. He looked round the corner to see a figure wearing full black uniform, he couldn't see a logo on the uniform. What he could see was that the figure had a swordpack with 2 beautiful katanas, he knew that if they touched him he would be very, very lucky to stay alive. He crept back to his bed room and silently woke varukas. varukas got his sword and with varrukas approached the kitchen. They didn't want a blood. varrukas crept up behind the figure and was just about to bop the figure with the but of his sword when the figure did a backwards kick to the stomach and varrukas went insantly unconscious. varukas went back to his bedroom and pressed the emergency button and then waited. Suddenly varukas heard a slight whining from the window and then the window just fell through onto his bed and perpetualbob1234 and bossmanb37 lept through. varukas pointed to the kitchen and perp and boss went in and did what needed to be done. When LordValarth heard about this he wouldn't be happy.

Chapter 1 coming soon.
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bossmanb37 is not online. bossmanb37
Joined: 04 Sep 2012
Total Posts: 90
21 Sep 2013 04:02 AM
Much too much use of the word, "he".
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Coolioso2 is not online. Coolioso2
Joined: 10 Aug 2012
Total Posts: 98
21 Sep 2013 04:06 AM
I will take that into account when writing more.
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FrostyCalibre is not online. FrostyCalibre
Joined: 15 Feb 2013
Total Posts: 1512
21 Sep 2013 04:07 AM
all i see is varrukas ho is varrukas11
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varrukas is not online. varrukas
Joined: 20 Apr 2012
Total Posts: 205
21 Sep 2013 04:10 AM
Awesome! A few parts of the story actually are true like the fact that I like crows and that I have a secret compartment under my bed.
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Coolioso2 is not online. Coolioso2
Joined: 10 Aug 2012
Total Posts: 98
21 Sep 2013 04:16 AM
Lol.
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Coolioso2 is not online. Coolioso2
Joined: 10 Aug 2012
Total Posts: 98
21 Sep 2013 04:56 AM
The Shadow Syndicate Story Chapter 1.
The Shadow Syndicate team climbed up the tower onto the giant walls of the fort, they could see the hostiles approaching the bridge. “jjareus get to the sniper tower NOW” shouted LordValarth. “VALIDUSMAXIMUS GET TO THAT FLAG!” bellowed Lord over the sound of heavy gunfire from jjareus’s assault rifle. “FLAG OWNED BY SHADOW SYNDICATE” Sounded over the grounds with a mechanical voice.
●●●
The Hostile team were over the bridge, frediswierd9 had just been hit by one of jjareus’s bullets raining down on them, as it was a practice raid they were only using blanks but it still hurt. “MEDIC, MEDIC” iTrance shouted as the leader of the Hostile team. Jackjack456 parachuted from the mountain with a machinegun in hand; he shot down bossmanb37 on the Shadow Syndicate team and got a hit on Coolioso2’s blade, but didn’t injure him. “10 minutes until Shadow Syndicate wins” the same mechanical voice said.
●●●
Therealjakez213000 shot from the tops of the highest mountain with a very high technology rifle. His scope focused on LordValarth’s head, he was just about to shoot when varrukas rugby tackled Lord to the ground just as he shot, varrukas got hit, he fell from the top of the base’s wall and lay still. Varukas, varrukas’ brother ran over to varr and checked his pulse, it was still. He shouted ,” STOP THE PRACTICE RAID VARRUKAS IS DEAD” tears in his eye. The medics ran over with a stretcher and carried varrukas away.

Chapter 2 will come soon.
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varrukas is not online. varrukas
Joined: 20 Apr 2012
Total Posts: 205
21 Sep 2013 05:15 AM
A brave man fallen protecting his leader... Wish I was like varrukas XD.
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Coolioso2 is not online. Coolioso2
Joined: 10 Aug 2012
Total Posts: 98
21 Sep 2013 05:19 AM
Died a hero.
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iTrance is not online. iTrance
Joined: 10 Sep 2013
Total Posts: 145
21 Sep 2013 05:52 AM
Awesome...
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mydarkrai246 is not online. mydarkrai246
Joined: 31 Jan 2010
Total Posts: 1119
21 Sep 2013 06:34 AM
It's good but a few things.

In the prologue, what was the point with the cow? Usually a symbol like that is later explained so if you're going to explain it later, good. If you weren't intending to explain it then it's just a random useless event. Also, you said that Varr became "instantly unconscious," but right after that he ran to the room and blared the alarm?

I think you could've had a LOT more detail with the raid in chapter one. It was really fast, confusing, and not exciting. Try and slow down time with your writing to drag it out and add suspense. Describe every feeling, more terrain, soldier positions, etc.

Also, if you want a really emotional death scene then try and develop the character a little more. Think of it like this, you won't feel as much emotion if a stranger died in comparison to a close friend. Try and bring out Varr's character, maybe add a small backstory, so the reader can really connect with him and then feel that pang of sadness when he dies.

Overall it's a good start. Room for improvement but that also means that there's potential to be a great story. I wouldn't have taken the time to critique this story to this extent is I didn't think it was worth it. Can't wait to read more, good luck!

~Mydarkrai246~
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mydarkrai246 is not online. mydarkrai246
Joined: 31 Jan 2010
Total Posts: 1119
21 Sep 2013 06:37 AM
Crow* don't know why I saw cow at first....
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Coolioso2 is not online. Coolioso2
Joined: 10 Aug 2012
Total Posts: 98
21 Sep 2013 06:49 AM
Keep reading and you will find out.
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perpetualbob1234 is not online. perpetualbob1234
Joined: 29 Mar 2010
Total Posts: 5522
21 Sep 2013 06:49 AM
^ yus yus yus, And I love how me and boss rekt that fool too.

~The Pro~
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varrukas is not online. varrukas
Joined: 20 Apr 2012
Total Posts: 205
21 Sep 2013 06:57 AM
@mydark, VARUKAS rang the alarm
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jackjack456 is not online. jackjack456
Joined: 17 Jun 2008
Total Posts: 838
21 Sep 2013 07:00 AM
I have a machine gun legit.
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SlayerJones is not online. SlayerJones
Joined: 19 Apr 2012
Total Posts: 16731
21 Sep 2013 07:09 AM
ew
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perpetualbob1234 is not online. perpetualbob1234
Joined: 29 Mar 2010
Total Posts: 5522
21 Sep 2013 07:10 AM
lol
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VanillaMan56 is not online. VanillaMan56
Joined: 02 Nov 2011
Total Posts: 8581
21 Sep 2013 07:10 AM
tl;dr

I shall call you squishy, and you shall be part of my jelly fish army.
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Coolioso2 is not online. Coolioso2
Joined: 10 Aug 2012
Total Posts: 98
21 Sep 2013 07:11 AM
Varukas strolled back to his house, his head low, deep in thought. At first he didn’t notice it but then he heard a quiet “quarr” coming from his feet. He looked down. There was a crow sitting there on the door step, staring into varukas’ eyes. Varukas tried to shoo it away but it didn’t move. The crow had a piece of paper in its mouth and a bullet at its feet. Varukas picked up the bullet and took the paper it said in fancy writing: Find Leveray. The bullet had one word on its side: Leverage.
●●●
LordValarth announced the Funeral Ceremony of Captain varrukas. It was to be held tomorrow at Shadow Syndicate Headquarters. He clicked enter on his S.S.box- the Shadow Syndicate communication system and organizer, everyone in Shadow Syndicate has one, if they lose it they risk exile. He posted it on S.S.Net so everyone would see it. This was a rare occasion where the whole of Shadow Syndicate would be in the same room, security would have to be tight. But LordValarth knew it was necessary.
●●●
Varukas, saw the post by LordValarth, he would have to go to the funeral. After he had checked on S.S.Net he went to the search bar and searched: Leveray. It came up with loads of information. It turns out that Leveray was a HR way before varukas had joined and he had built one of the forts and made some of the uniforms! There wasn’t much on his current location but there was this: He now owns a manufacturing company called Leverage® and that company specialized in weaponry and ammunition. He again looked at the bullet that the crow gave to him and it said: Leverage. He put that page to one side of his S.S.box and looked up who supplied SS with ammunition; it came up with Leverage®. He had to get to SS headquarters now.

Chapter 3 coming soon. Thanks to people who have given me ideas and inspiration.
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jackjack456 is not online. jackjack456
Joined: 17 Jun 2008
Total Posts: 838
21 Sep 2013 07:22 AM
Good job boi (Im not attending the funeral :C)
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iTrance is not online. iTrance
Joined: 10 Sep 2013
Total Posts: 145
21 Sep 2013 07:22 AM
lol...
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justbetterthanyou is not online. justbetterthanyou
Joined: 03 Mar 2009
Total Posts: 345
21 Sep 2013 07:28 AM
This gave me cancer.
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varrukas is not online. varrukas
Joined: 20 Apr 2012
Total Posts: 205
21 Sep 2013 07:29 AM
@jack y u no enter funeral I thought I was your friend qq
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jackjack456 is not online. jackjack456
Joined: 17 Jun 2008
Total Posts: 838
21 Sep 2013 07:30 AM
The cooliso epicness some scince medicial term word writing cancer .
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