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| 26 Sep 2013 09:59 PM |
The Cays Part 1:
My name is Bob Harris, and my team is planet Earth’s last chance. I am the decider of whether this operation is a success or the Cays attack earth again, but with an even larger attack force. I don’t think we can withstand another attack. I mean come on we barely survived the last, so how in gods’s name would we survive an even bigger one! The main reason why the Cays have been winning is because of their navy. We were no match for their superior navy when the war started. We have come a long way from that point. We’ve developed Plasma technology and light speed warp drives. Yet, even with all these developments, were still greatly losing the war. It is a bloodshed that will stain the solar system for decades. I am the decider of the human race because I am the leader of the team that will put out the Cays’s navy for quite some time. That is if we succeed. Whether the human race survives or not those Cays are going to feel my wrath.
I am a Space parachuter in the 409th division of the United Space Navy, and I have come from the UCE or United Countries of Earth by direct orders. I left my kids and my wife just for this, yet I knew I would probably not come back, but I was so eager to join, and be the war hero I always wanted to be like my Dad, but now I realize that war isn’t fun and I am in one. My wife’s name is Jacky, and I have two sons named Connor and Caleb. They are both wonderful children working their way up to one day becoming the two CEOS of my company: Space Plasma. Then comes my beautiful wife Jacky, she is so nice and makes me laugh, and I love her so much. Jacky is currently working for a bank as its manager. She has always said the wanted to work their because she said she does not want to only rely on me and wants to be independent. She was so angry and sad at the same time when I told her it was my duty to go.
Apparently I was sent for this mission because I was the best in my class, I scored 100s on all my tests, and got perfect ratings in physical education training. This war is a completely necessary war, or so I believe. Yet, many people think that we should just step aside and let the damm Cays wipe our race out of the universe. They have lost so much hope that they cant go on anymore. The year was 3980 After Warp when the Cays attacked. It was horrible the Cays had tried to steal our recourses and annihilate the human race! The viciousness and lack of mercy on that invasion was so horrific I threw up just from seeing pictures of it. I think they deserve what they’re getting. My mission is an important one, it is to infiltrate their main galactic HQ and sabotage their Space Navy.
I am with a group of 15 other soldiers. I am the captain, but they don’t seem to respect me much, so I need to gain that trust! They all look at me with un trusting faces and dirty looks. I bet they will change those attitudes once they see how capable I am. They are apparently the best, but ill just wait and see for myself. We launch with the space jetpacks off the Invisible III. Were armed with photon anti matter lasers, and the nuclear bomb for the base, plus we have four molecular sticky grenades. We also have cloaking suits on; so far our mission has been a success we have successfully got on board, and remained un-detected.
Were jogging on a side bridge to the main space dock when all of a sudden the bridge shakes. One of our men falls down, I try to reach for his hand as he is falling but he can’t grab my hand in time, and as he falls down to the bottom of the ship I see his face. A sad, scared face. From that point on I had a new redeemed determination to succeed.
I knew I had no time to mourn. I immediately realized it must be the Space Academy! They’re bombing already! We look around and notice that our cruisers have arrived and are bombing the HQ. NO! I yell into the wakie talky “stop bombing we have not set the charges over.” We wait for a reply but no reply comes, we waited about 5 minutes. Precious 5 minutes and finally my grandfather says, “Too bad Cadets you’re going to have to hurry up then. Unfortunately the Cays have found out about our sabotage plan and intercepted the Fleet, so we have to commence the bombing now!”
Well that’s my grandpa for yah. A great commander, but a harsh grandfather. Doing what ever it takes for the earth to be safe. He would probably kill me for the sake of earth. After all, when the Cays attacked he was on a peaceful negotiation with the Harks. That day grandma died, it was a horrible death; she had a radiation sickness and soon after died! He will never recover from that loss. From there on out he decided he would go on a path of revenge! I couldn’t blame him for doing that but I just think he should have at least tried to overcome his challenges, and not just use his anger as a purpose for life. Of course I should not be telling him what he can or can’t do. I just feel obligated to help him overcome his hardships. We quickly say a prayer and start running down the walkway. “I wonder if they already know were aboard and just waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike!”
We run about a half a mile and were a half a mile away from the destination when battalions of troops come sprinting down the path, “they must be going to fend off the other assault team.” The thought of reinforcements from an Assault team suddenly overwhelms my thoughts, but I keep running. The squad is following right behind me, so I make a sharp left turn into a storage room, and we all duck in. Every one in the squad makes it in. The battalion rushes by we then wait one minute and get out of the room, only to find that the Cays had surrounded us! We detail every part of their weapons, so we can escape later with more intelligence about the enemy.
We are walking down the hall to the prison cells, when we hear” HA stupid Humans! Thinking they can destroy our main base.” I then soon realize that the Cays have known about this mission for some time now. Dammit there must be a traitor. I hope the assault team is at least not captured also. Then as if on cue the assault team is handcuffed walking down the path towards us, and I know that this is my end. I will never see my family again! They grab me by the hair and drag me to the execution station.
When out of no where a group of Academy special operation men blow a hole in the door and start blasting, I soon realize what’s going on and must take action. So, I punch the guard in the stomach grab his gun and at point blank range I shoot his head. After about 2 minutes of fighting we quickly take out all the guards We then rejoice and decide on a plan. The special op team will create a diversion, while me and 12 other of the soldiers will plant the bomb, so we start setting up the bomb, while the special op team runs off and starts to throw grenades and start shooting in the air like crazy monkeys. I wonder to my self how they even survive all these battles! Five minutes later I set the charges and we take off In the jetpacks towards the Invisible III.
I was relieved to see a friendly ship with a relaxing resting place. As we near the ship the cloaking device for the ship suddenly stops working and its becomes visible, so every one can see it! We realize that it is only a matter of time before the enemy ships are going to start attacking the Invisible III so, we increase the speed and make a daring maneuver towards the battle for a split second, so the Invisible III has time to pick us up, and so the enemy ships wont attack our ship. We successfully complete our task and return to the ship. Right as we get on the ship, and the airlock closes we blast off towards the nearest star base. We are so relieved when we see a friendly base, and start to relax. We dock in the station, and we quickly get off to go to the nearest bar, we are walking towards the bar, when all of a sudden the bar explodes into a huge fire!!! We are so surprised that one of our men falls over. I am in such shock that I am paralyzed, and in a second the police have arrived and are questioning us.
We explain to them what happened and they let us go. We are a little terrified of what just happened, so we decide to go tell grandpa! We overheard one of the police saying that the plan didn’t work and that we were still alive. We run over to the dock, go in the security, and head over to grandpa’s quarters. We burst through the door and we see grandpa dining with a captain. Grandpa!! We just had an attempt on our lives! “I know” he says. ” men I know you have seen horrible things in war, but what I’m about to tell you is so top secret that you will be killed if you share this information with any one else outside this room.
So do you still want to hear why you were tried to be killed?” Two men immediately walk out of the room and say goodbye. Now the mission I sent you on was a misleading mission. I only was ordered to give you this mission by the council of 9. Unfortunately I only know that the reason the council of 9 gave this to you is because they are all want war! But, unfortunately I do not know why The council of 9 tried to kill you… it just doesn’t seem to add up. Now the reason they want war is because they want a very powerful weapon from the Cays, so what ever you heard about the war being started by the Cays is WRONG.
That was just a cover up for their conspiracy! “That cant be true papa. It just can’t!” Oh it is! Grandpa said harshly All I know is that the council of 9 is being controlled!! “By who papa?!” They are called the Jabots, and they are very powerful. See the council of 9 is actually the leaders of the whole human race, that’s why the Jabots want them so dearly! They want complete control over the whole human race with out even wasting one of their own men!
But, now it seems they have them he says darkly. This is why I am sending you to their main religious temple to change their decision on staying in the war. Let me emphasize that if you mess up on this…. Well I cant predict what else will go wrong. This will either restore the human race to its power again, or completely wipe the rest of our race off the universal map.
Now… here is the plan… no weapons. Plus, you will be disguised as a main religious leader using new holographic technology, we will then start preaching our beliefs to the church, and now this is the big part. Their leader will be there. His name is Kackor, and if he listens, then he will most likely get others to follow! “But wait! How do we know he will listen?” I say “ well” grandpa says one of you will have to set up a hypnotic device to control him. Once he has heard the information he will believe it until I say a special word to deactivate it. Here it is the big mama that brought me through it all. The Excalibur 9000, and remember to use it carefully boys, this is some powerful technology right here because if stared at for too long it could destroy all brain cells in less then 3 minutes. “Alright Papa, we understand” I said. Good he said, now go find a person named Dr. Hatch; he is the one safe housing the hypnotic device for me. All right sir, we will find him and shut down the Jabots once and for all. As the other men leave I say Good-bye grandpa, I will see you soon I hope.
So we get back to the now repaired ship (that’s current Nano-technology for you), and set off. The crew has started to respect me as a great person for them to lead, but I still have a long way to go until they trust me with their lives. We find the planet so-san almost right as we search the galaxy map, and set into light speed to the planet. We are very short on time since the religious ceremony starts in 2 days! Thank god for the short distance between the planets, as we reach the planet we see a trade convoy and slip past them luckily. When we reach the planets surface I spot a town that looks like the one in the description. I go down personally (a dozen commandos will not look to pleasing, and will attract attention). As I reach the desired house he comes out and shoos my in, he sits me down and just sputters out words in no sense at all. He eventually drinks his tea and calms down. He says, “Hi my name is Dr. Hatch, I am a little short on time also to get out of here to the outer rim. So here, he gives me the device. It’s pretty bulky I comment, yes he says. As he gives us the device we quickly stroll off, he starts packing his things, and leaves the house with us. I hope he survives this situation I think. As soon as we say our goodbyes some Cays surround us, damn not again I think. They line us up. DAMN, I failed, the human race is doomed!! They aim there guns and….
Battle of WIJ fort Anthem Part 1:
Incomplete!!
Will be completed by sunday night at 12 midnight! |
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fallout68
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| Joined: 26 Sep 2009 |
| Total Posts: 2249 |
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| 26 Sep 2013 10:04 PM |
| You just did so many things that my teacher would literally slap me if I did |
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| 26 Sep 2013 10:27 PM |
One of the best tips I recieved from my English teacher (who is also a PROFESSIONAL script writer for hollywood, among other writing jobs) is "show, don't tell." That means instead of starting off your story with "Hi, my name is bob! I'm earth's last chance." the reader should learn both bob's name, and the fact that earth is going to be destroyed if bob doesn't do something about it, through dialouge and/or the events that unfold in the story. Keep up the good work and you'll have a good story application before you know it. Good luck getting in to Corus!
Sincerely, ZeroSpectrum |
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| 26 Sep 2013 10:30 PM |
Not bad, you certaintly added a lot of detail!
My criticism to you is:
The paragraphs are very long. Usually when someone is talking, it looks more professional and neat if you have it on it's own sort of paragraph, just shorten the paragraphs a bit.
I feel that I would've been able to skip a large majority of the text but still know what happened.
When it comes to detail, try and be detailed about everything, instead of extremely detailed about one thing.
Try to proof read a bit better to find grammar mistakes. I didn't note them all but there was one where you put were instead of we're.
Again, it's not a bad story if you fix what I suggested I'm sure it would be amazing!
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fallout68
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| Joined: 26 Sep 2009 |
| Total Posts: 2249 |
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| 27 Sep 2013 05:33 PM |
| Zero, that is one of the things my teacher would slap me for. |
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