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Re: A lil' story idea.
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| 08 Sep 2013 11:20 AM |
I have no idea how well this is going to go. Tell me how good this story is, and if I should continue or not. If you yell at me for posting a story, and not a roleplay..
"The forum for --->story telling<--- and imagination."
Here is is, then.
Elementals, Mentalists, The Arcane Arts. . The three pure talents used to combat the forth, final talent. Bax is the simple term for this dark and forbidden talent, the original term long forgotten. Even along with NonSestial talents, such as the Clocktrus, or the work of the Vapourstranium, there is a loosing battle against The Great Enemy. Thousands of Millions of innocent and brave lives are lost each day, the valiant heroes of our great land not able to be everywhere at once. In--
“Forwards, you fools! If you don't die by the Great Enemy, you die by me! Now, Charge!” Men were being thrown into a tornado of gore. Ashes blotted the sun, clouds rained acidic rain, the drops of liquid burning flesh. To be at the frontlines was absolute certain death, a---
“God help us!” I yelled, panic gripping me and moving my legs away from the battle. I saw a man getting ripped open from the inside. I saw horrible monstrosities nobody should see, burning and flaying people alive. I saw.. Nothing, as my head flew off from a high-momentum bullet...
Janice woke with a sharp intake of air, her mind buzzing. At first, she thought that there was a Mentalist apprentice messing with her mind again, but it turned out only to be her alarm clock. Closing her eyes while concentrating, she grunted as a bolt of Arcane energy flew from her head into the clock, and the buzzing stopped. At least she could turn the alarm clock off.
Stepping out of bed, she checked the calendar. Another awful day of school. Janice was hoping that it was going to be another false-alarm, which happened often with Arcane machines. The art wasn't exactly mastered yet. Examining the calendar closer, she could see it wasn't just any day.
“Oh dear..” she murmured to herself, realizing it was an examination day. Examination days were when your abilities were tested, seeing what talent you currently were destined for. A nickname Janice ruefully gave it was 'Humiliation day.'
Everybody had a talent. Even the lowest of the low had at least one talent. Janice didn't. The examination always came up with nothing.
She did all of her morning duties. Take a shower. Clean her face. Comb her hair.
Her thoughts were quickly interrupted when she heard a shout from downstairs.
“Honey! Breakfast is ready! Come down and eat, or you'll be late for school!” she heard her mother shout. She hurried downstairs, her hair still wet from the shower.
“Hello, mum.”
“Good morning, dear. Today's breakfast is pancakes. Eat quickly, we don't want you to be late for your examination!”
Janice carefully lifted the pancakes using her fork, placing it inside of her mouth. Chew. Swallow.
Today was going to be a bad day.
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| 08 Sep 2013 04:07 PM |
18 views
3 posts, all by me
fml |
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| 13 Sep 2013 07:10 PM |
last bump
give me attention |
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| 13 Sep 2013 07:18 PM |
It's a pretty good story. Very good actually, kind of gory and bloody, but good. Here are my ratings for the time being.
Action Very good, a little too violent, and the bullet thing wouldn't really happen, but good. I give it a 8/10
Storyline At the moment, looking pretty good. 9/10
Age Worthy For
For a child that gets influenced, no one should read this. For a child that just likes the story, minimum is 10 years of age. For appropriateness, 4/10
The First Chapter Total Very good. But you need more detail on the characters and such. Very bloody and gory, makes it good but inappropriate for young children's minds. 7/10 Total. |
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apple21
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| Joined: 12 Feb 2009 |
| Total Posts: 231 |
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| 13 Sep 2013 07:22 PM |
NEED MORE. POST CHAPTER 2 OR DIE |
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Tikobe
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| Joined: 12 Aug 2011 |
| Total Posts: 6366 |
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| 13 Sep 2013 07:24 PM |
| I love it, but you need more description. Is your character fair skinned with black hair? Is she Oriental? Does the arcane bolt look purple, or black? Details, my friend, more details! |
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| 14 Sep 2013 08:26 AM |
Thanks for all of the reviews. I'll be re-making the first few sentences of the chapter today, and more of the first chapter. In school, I did think about how I had no descriptions of the characters at all.
Also, yeah. This was based on "grimdark", theme, so it's not much for younger audiences.. |
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fathat121
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| Joined: 26 Dec 2009 |
| Total Posts: 1926 |
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| 14 Sep 2013 08:43 AM |
Wow, this piece of writing is in much greater quality than most others which I read. I'll be sure to continue reading your work. My only advice would for you would be not using the same words in the same sentence, or close following sentences. You can prevent this by switching them out with synonyms. If you have trouble with that, then a thesaurus should help. Also, I realize that certain words (particularly nouns) can't be switched out, but if you could rephrase your thinking, then that would be beneficial to your writing, too.
Ex. "clouds rained acidic rain"
Using "rain" twice, so quickly unsettles the text a bit. You could change it to something like:
"clouds dispersed a downpour of acidic rain". These are solely my suggestions, so please don't be offended. Personally, I think that your writing is already in great quality. |
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merox33
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| Joined: 30 Aug 2011 |
| Total Posts: 1683 |
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| 14 Sep 2013 09:13 AM |
| http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNEy_y75xYI |
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| 14 Sep 2013 09:14 AM |
My god, I was searching forum weapons a minute ago. Fire the cannons!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFZrzg62Zj0 |
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fathat121
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| Joined: 26 Dec 2009 |
| Total Posts: 1926 |
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| 14 Sep 2013 09:18 AM |
| Thanks. I didn't know that people created these specifically for forum usage. I guess you learn something new, every day. |
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| 14 Sep 2013 10:57 AM |
Update: Changed some stuff, might be better. Unfortunately, 25% of the words used is "her." I need to get rid of the word "her", as it is being evil right now to my mind...
(Note, made for older audiences. c:)
Elementals, Mentalists, The Arcane Arts. . The three pure talents used to combat the forth, final talent. Bax is the simple term for this dark and forbidden talent, the original term long forgotten. Even along with NonSestial talents, such as the Clocktrus, or the work of the Vapourstranium, there is a loosing battle against The Great Enemy. Thousands of Millions of innocent and brave lives are lost each day, the valiant heroes of our great land not able to be everywhere at once. In--
“Forwards, you fools! If you don't die by the Great Enemy, you die by me! Now, Charge!” Men were being thrown into a tornado of horror. Ashes blotted the sun, clouds spitted out acidic rain, drops of liquid burning flesh. To be at the frontlines was absolute certain death, a---
“God help us!” I yelled, panic gripping me and moving my legs away from the battle, like a puppet master with his strings controlling a puppet. I saw a man getting ripped open from the inside. I saw horrible monstrosities nobody should see, burning and flaying people alive. I saw.. Nothing, as my head got sliced from a sword, swung from two, strong, powerful hands.
Janice woke with a sharp intake of air, her mind buzzing. That was a terrible nightmare. At least it wasn't very clear. It was.. fuzzy, as in pictures taken while you were moving. As Janice stepped of her bed, the girl's obedient blonde hair flowing off of the pillows, landing at her shoulders, Janice realized there was an annoying buzzing in her mind.
What was it?
At first, she thought that there was a Mentalist apprentice ripping apart her poor, fragile mind again, but it turned out only to be her alarm clock. Closing her eyes while concentrating, she grunted as a bolt of Arcane energy flew from her head into the clock. She enjoyed the color of the bolt as it flew from her brain, into the clock and the buzzing stopped. Lower Arcane Arts and Higher Arcane Arts were all different color. In her case, the color was a pathetic dark blue, though she still enjoyed the color. At least she could turn the alarm clock off.
Stepping out of bed, she checked the calendar. Another rotten day of school. Janice was hoping that it was going to be another false-alarm, which happened often with Arcane machines. The art wasn't exactly mastered yet. Think of a child, tooting on his instrument. He, or she, even though they may be good, unless they set their entire life to doing that instrument, he or she will never know everything about it. Thinking about it, she realized it was more like science. You will never, EVER, know everything about it.
Examining the calendar closer, she could see it wasn't just any day.
“No.. no.. no!” she murmured to herself, realizing it was an examination day. Examination days were when your abilities were tested, seeing what talent you currently were destined for. A nickname Janice ruefully gave it was 'Humiliation day.'
Everybody had a talent. Even the lowest of the low had at least one talent. Janice didn't. The examination always came up with nothing.
She did all of her morning duties. Take a shower. Clean her face. Comb her hair. These were times to think about herself. Janice was pretty small; that didn't help when they cornered her in an ally. Looking in the mirror, she considered herself pretty on standards of other students in her school. They didn't care about that. However, the most noticeable feature one her face was the eyes.
Those eyes. So blue, they seemed to glow in the darkness. They didn't, of course.
Her thoughts were quickly interrupted when she heard a shout from downstairs.
“Honey! Breakfast is ready! Come down and eat, or you'll be late for school!” she heard her mother shout. She hurried downstairs, her hair still wet from the shower.
“Hello, mum.”
“Good morning, dear. Today's breakfast is pancakes. Eat quickly, we don't want you to be late for your examination!”
The poor soul carefully lifted the pancakes using her fork, placing it inside of her mouth. Chew. Swallow. Today, the pancakes didn't taste like clay, and she was glad for that.
What she wasn't glad for was that her father was gone. Vanished. Poof.
At the age of two, her father went off to fight The Great Enemy. He never came back. Janice believed he died. She owed everything to her father. Her heart-shaped face. Vague memories of good cooking..
That sort of stuff.
Unfortunately, she inherited nothing from her mother. Nothing at all. Janice's mother had a square face, was a bit chubby, and was very tall. “Mum”, as Janice knows her by, was almost nothing like Janice.
.. It led to some problems.
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fathat121
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| Joined: 26 Dec 2009 |
| Total Posts: 1926 |
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| 21 Sep 2013 05:26 PM |
| The story's really neat, but is it still continuing? I haven't seen an update to this in a while. |
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| 21 Sep 2013 06:41 PM |
| Err.. A mixture of writer's block and laziness. I have it all in my mind, but I haven't gotten it down on the computer. |
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fathat121
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| Joined: 26 Dec 2009 |
| Total Posts: 1926 |
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| 21 Sep 2013 06:45 PM |
| All right, just checking. To be honest, I haven' caught myself up with the new chapters, as I've been pretty busy, lately. |
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timpookie
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| Joined: 18 Aug 2011 |
| Total Posts: 21924 |
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| 21 Sep 2013 06:48 PM |
I know how you feel, that really sucks.
Also, great story so far, but I don't see why any people are saying it's not good for little kids. I've read much darker (And something really depressing) when I was younger, and I turned out just fine. So far, at any rate. |
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fathat121
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| Joined: 26 Dec 2009 |
| Total Posts: 1926 |
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| 21 Sep 2013 06:51 PM |
You know what's a really dark, and awesome story?
http://www.roblox.com/Forum/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=110958142
"The power of free advertising; wielded by children, since 1983." |
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| 22 Sep 2013 12:57 PM |
Here's a bit more.
She heard a thrumming, and knew it was time. Time for school. She slowly got out of her seat, pushed the chair back in.
“Goodbye, Mum. I'll see you after school.” Janice sadly murmured, placing her fork on top of her food.
She didn't pay attention to Mum as there were attempts to cheer her up. They went in one ear, and came out the other, as they say.
Janice grabbed her bag, filled to the brim with school supplies, and grunted. Since when was it so stuffed with papers and ink? Opening the door, she traveled down her driveway, and gazed at the city. She couldn't see very far; there was a green, thick fog covering everything 100 feet away. However, she could remember her neighborhood, at least: It was a cross shaped, but three sides of it was a dead end. Janice could remember how when she almost escaped a particular bloodthirsty student, Janice met a wall. She grimaced; that was a terrible memory, and she subconsciously scratched at a scar running down her arm.
The most noticeable thing was a bloody great statue in the middle, of a heavily armored figure.. What was her name? Great Saint Empress. Apparently, thousands of years ago, she took on an entire army, and defeated some sort of enemy leader, but was killed in the process. Too bad. It had everything on it of some sort of legendary figure: wings, a great sword, massive armor, the gigantic word wall describing who/what she did/are..
The bus screeched a whistle, snapping Janice to attention. Looking at the bus, she could see the malicious-looking faces of her “fellow students”, and could already feel the tickle of the early Mentalist attack. Swallowing nervously, she slowly walked onto the bus, and immediately noticed the change: From a cold, but humid air, to a hot and steamy air on the bus.
She heard the jeers and humiliating comments, but she tried her best to ignore them. Janice couldn't, and a tear traveled down her cheek. It got even worse. She took a seat behind the driver, but he didn't do anything. It wasn't in his job to stop bullying, so he didn't care. This cruel treatment continued on for the entire bus trip, which lasted about 45 minutes. To Janice, this was absolute torture, and she could barley hold the downpour of tears from streaming down her face.
Once the bus stopped, she ran out of the bus, crying. It only got worse from here, as people shoved her around, even punching her. Janice stopped at the line to the examination room, and used her sleeve to wipe off the tears. The line was even worse, with every single kid shoving, spitting, and yelling at her for being in existence.
“Looser!”
“Ahahah, you stink! I'm going to laugh when that testing thing says that YOU HAVE NO DESTINY again!”
“Ha--”
“Yo--”
“A--”
Something, somewhere deep inside of Janice absolutely snapped. She couldn't take it anymore. Janice lunged at the nearest person, and bit his eyeball, the eye-jelly bursting in her teeth. She ripped out his other eyeball, and blood spurted all over her face. By now, the teachers were yelling at her, trying to get her to stop her rampage, but she wouldn't stop. Janice then proceeded to rip his throat out, before everything went black..
(:3)
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timpookie
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| Joined: 18 Aug 2011 |
| Total Posts: 21924 |
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| 23 Sep 2013 07:17 AM |
| Well, now I know why everyone was saying that it's not good for kids. But how could they have known that before you posted that last bit? |
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| 23 Sep 2013 08:41 AM |
| That escalated pretty quickly... |
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| 23 Sep 2013 02:16 PM |
| Yes. I made that last bit to get it a bit more tense, and to show people it wasn't made for older audiences. lololo |
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