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Re: Dreamers Debut story

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Devdog020 is not online. Devdog020
Joined: 06 Jun 2013
Total Posts: 45
31 Aug 2013 11:34 AM
"Rally time! Calling all children and adults! Cheer up your team!". The sports director yelled into a microphone. Makayla was the only one who was not cheering in the whole building. She looked down at her phone. She'd recieved a text from her boyfriend Lucas. " Hey! Want me to pick you up at the game and take you out for tacos?" the text read. Mack was so happy she didnt have to stay at the boring Krenshaw heights football game. She waited outside the exit until lucas's car showed.
When the car finally pulled into the parking lot she was happy to know that he had a blanket in the back. Living in minnesota and having a football game in december, OUTSIDE, do not mix for girls like mack. She warmed herself up quickly and then went to lucas's parents resturaunt. He owned a taco restuaraunt, well him and his parents. Mack was always there because she simply loved crunchy shell tacos! Which happend the be the name of resturaunt.. Crunchy Shell Taco.
Mack and lucas enjoyed a buffet of tacos but mack wasnt active in much of the conversing. She was overthinking her life. A few hours before Mack sat in Language arts class. The teacher was discussing the purpose of school. Mack was listening and the speech dragged on with her the rest of the day. The teacher talked about college and dreams. He asked a few of the students what there dreams were. And then gave the whole class a piece of paper to write a short story about there dreams. But when mack got her paper she had no idea what she could write. She was thinking about the things she did at home. Like singing with her little sister Ana or playing teacher with her teddy bears as a young child. But that's not something you base your college career on, is it? Mack was still thinking when she finally decided to put her pencil down and just stop. She didnt want to think anymore. She was a little embarressed about it actually. She'd figured kids who dont have ideas in highschool become losers on the edge of the sidewalk. Mack felt like a loser.
The next day mack put herself into a situation she shouldn't have. She woke up and forced herself to look up college degrees and post poned high school graduates who ended up with careers like ... McDonalds. She looked at it as motivation. She looked at the type of careers you can take up in college. Like dentistry. Or teaching. Nothing was helping she still had no idea what kinda things college would bring for her. She knew she needed one thing to be successful in life. A dream.
. . .
Monday morning mack got herself ready for school. She got dressed she did her hair. She ate a healthy breakfast. She was really prepared. She went to school with a smile on her face. Mack felt proud. Proud because she new that she accomplished the first step. A dream. She needed a dream. And a dream for college involved school. So for probably the first and only time in her life she was EXCITED to go to school. When mack got to school she found all the things that she was best at. English , art , and PE. She got a piece of paper in the art room and took with her to study hall. She wrote down English, Art , and PE. Then she thought: English....hmmm i could be a english teacher. Art , i could be a artist or a art teacher, PE a pro athlete or a gym teacher. She went even SMALLER! She narrowed it down to two. Im not AS good at PE as i am at english and art. Then she thought about English. She didnt want to be a teacher because most of the kids she knew were annoying or mentally stunned on being her boyfriend. So she thought about Art. And she thought. And she thought.
A few minutes later mack had decided art was her dream. Because not only was she good at it she enjoyed it! She said to herself "now that i have my dream i just need to accomplish this! ". She took it to the next step. Mack set a goal. Im going to improve my art skills by 35% by the end of this month. It was august 6th and so she had a while to do this. She decided to set her goals and complete them first thing next morning.
The next morning mack rushed to school and she went to the library she checked out art books and got on the computers and printed easy pictures for her to practice draw. She went to the art room and got the artists suggested paint brushed, paints ,pastels, pencils, anything she would need to make art. She felt happy. Because now she was practicing and really putting her heart in this goal. Everyday mack would go home and she would draw. She would paint and sketch. Some nights she didnt eat or sleep until the ideas had left her mind and entered her papers. Mack felt devoted. Devoted because she was taking up a career to be bettered in college. She thought she was doing everything right.
. . .
May 24th 2017 Mack was officially graduating high school. She had her cap and gown on and she was ready to graduate. Over the rest of the year mack got herself into a program called "dreamers debut" which was for people just like mack. People who had a dream they were taking with them to college. She also saved up money for the actual college. She was ready for her dream to finally come alive. The moment her name was called, she knew. She knew. " Makayla Maree Scott". Makaylas whole dream and career flashed before her eyes. She realized how hard this was going to be and she didnt want to do it. She slowly walked up to the stage. Being apart from the other dreamers made her feel hopeless. She grabbed the diploma. She stood frozen. And alone.
" Miss Makayla are you alright?" the man next to her gently asked. Makaylas head quickly turned towards him as she said " yes...yes im fine. ". She grabbed the microphone and everyone hushed and stepped back. "Uh...real quick i just wanna say a few words..." she whispered into the microphone barely loud enough for the front row to hear. " When i was a freshman i thought i knew what life was. Then my english teacher set me straight. He discussed college and careers and at first i was scared. Then i got a paper and i realized how much i hadn't planned for. It made me feel like a loser and a person who just wanted all straight in the head. But i took charge in that moment. I got my life together and i planned for the future. But theres one thing you just have to have if you can go to college. It was a dream. I needed a dream. I went to all of my classes and i figured out what i liked most and what i was good at. I narrowed it down to art. I took up art. I read books printed pictures to practice draw i even joined a group called Dreamers Debut. I made my future brighter by taking action. I became who i am today and i left the old scared teenager forever, taylor swift wannabe , beach blond , taco eating , laptop using , softball playing , loser me ,behind. But i wouldn't have been here able to accept this award without, a dream.

THE END I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS! BYE! MORE STORIES COMING SOON!
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swiftattak7 is not online. swiftattak7
Joined: 09 Jul 2011
Total Posts: 8029
31 Aug 2013 11:46 AM
HOLY PARAGRAPH!!!
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robloxman100zz is not online. robloxman100zz
Joined: 08 Dec 2011
Total Posts: 37
31 Aug 2013 12:08 PM
AINT NOBODY GOT TIME TO READ!
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LizardGirl9 is not online. LizardGirl9
Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 3138
31 Aug 2013 01:14 PM
(Alright then i'll post this here too? XD)I took the time out to read this, and like most stories posted on here: CLICHE CLICHE CLICHEEEEEE

Be different. Go back to the drawing board. Bigger words, "Pretty, cute" are little kid words. "Beautiful, gorgeous" are a little better. "Dreamy, starry-eyed" are great.

And as for plot: A LOT of people use school as the setting and a teenage girl as the main character. (CLICHEEEEE)

Make it different, go outside the box. Here are some random crap I can take from my brain atm: the moon, space, a sandy town, ... JUST SOMETHING DIFFERENT PLEASE!

If you read my stories you notice that they're different from most. .-.

--

Also: Nobody wants to read 3 paragraphs in one. I suggest skipping lines after dialogue or when someone does an action, ex:

"Hi Martha how're you?" She asked,

"Great you?" she replied enthusiastically.

--

Anyways, back to the drawing board for you!
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swiftattak7 is not online. swiftattak7
Joined: 09 Jul 2011
Total Posts: 8029
31 Aug 2013 01:15 PM
Something like lizard said, even if she thinks she's something.
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Devdog020 is not online. Devdog020
Joined: 06 Jun 2013
Total Posts: 45
31 Aug 2013 01:41 PM
Unlike your stories my stories aren't meant to have huge words in it. They are meant so people can read it and understand whats going on. I write basic books for kids and i dont use bigger words unless writing a book for teens and adults. If you write big in a childrens book they wont understand which leads to loss of reading. You have your writing style i have mine. The point of this story is the message it sends to kids and young adults. Follow your dreams
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swiftattak7 is not online. swiftattak7
Joined: 09 Jul 2011
Total Posts: 8029
31 Aug 2013 01:52 PM
Are you a 40 year old mom?
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Devdog020 is not online. Devdog020
Joined: 06 Jun 2013
Total Posts: 45
31 Aug 2013 02:21 PM
No? I'm someone who understands children and someone who very well gets the meaning of books. If you'd like a more mature book read " African villager" A teen- adult book by me
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swiftattak7 is not online. swiftattak7
Joined: 09 Jul 2011
Total Posts: 8029
31 Aug 2013 02:24 PM
If your not a 40 year old mom stop trying to understand other peoples problems.

You wont.
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LizardGirl9 is not online. LizardGirl9
Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Total Posts: 3138
31 Aug 2013 02:49 PM
... LMAO.

What's wrong with teaching younger kids new vocabulary?

Context clues. Parent help. The internet.

I mean unless your writing a very very very little kid book like a picture book with little words in it, then fine. But this is clearly not a picture book.
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SayNoToPaidAccess is not online. SayNoToPaidAccess
Joined: 30 Jul 2013
Total Posts: 117
31 Aug 2013 05:22 PM
this is a picture poon
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swiftattak7 is not online. swiftattak7
Joined: 09 Jul 2011
Total Posts: 8029
31 Aug 2013 11:37 PM
@LIzard

Ever heard of.

First learn then write.

There is no point in teaching a kid to write if she doesn't know how to write.
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coldbloodedkiller9 is not online. coldbloodedkiller9
Joined: 16 Jun 2011
Total Posts: 6522
01 Sep 2013 12:27 AM
Guys, relax.

I agree, this definitely needs some work(and yes, holy paragraph). Spacing dammit.

Your stories will come across alot better if you improve the flow of the words and use slightly larger words at given opportunities. This isn't to say spam the page with words over 14 characters long. Just make yourself look more intelligent.
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willx1999 is not online. willx1999
Joined: 17 Sep 2011
Total Posts: 1
01 Sep 2013 03:54 AM
why would you comment on the size of the story rather then the story itself. It is like how people get angry because you made a small mistake on your story and suddenly it ruins the whole story.
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swiftattak7 is not online. swiftattak7
Joined: 09 Jul 2011
Total Posts: 8029
01 Sep 2013 05:33 AM
You make no sense

And we were comenting on the lack of spacing, not the size.
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Devdog020 is not online. Devdog020
Joined: 06 Jun 2013
Total Posts: 45
01 Sep 2013 10:16 AM
Oh i actually did write paragraphs but they didnt show up when i published the book to the forum...I dont know why. But sorry about that. I'll try to solve that for my next book....
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swiftattak7 is not online. swiftattak7
Joined: 09 Jul 2011
Total Posts: 8029
01 Sep 2013 10:30 AM
*Story*

Not book.
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coldbloodedkiller9 is not online. coldbloodedkiller9
Joined: 16 Jun 2011
Total Posts: 6522
01 Sep 2013 01:09 PM
The Roblox forums do not support dead space copy/pasting
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swiftattak7 is not online. swiftattak7
Joined: 09 Jul 2011
Total Posts: 8029
01 Sep 2013 01:11 PM
Hey Cold where you been?
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