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Re: [Invasion of Nilhelm]Chapter 5 The hunt

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ShatteredQuantum is not online. ShatteredQuantum
Joined: 20 Aug 2012
Total Posts: 38600
12 Aug 2013 03:56 PM
As we settle down in the once Vaktovian ruled Bunker, we wonder to ourselves where the remaining 20 Vaktovians are hiding in the forest.

Tober commands a rally at the courtyard we all rush to join in the gathering,forming ranks of 8 with officers in front.

Tober then spoke "Arcadians as you may know the traitor known as Arcane escaped our massive and victorious flank, Herself and 19 VAC guards have escaped into Arcadian forest. But do not fear for My brothers and Myself shall go and hunt them down."

Rodger and Klelthin Stepped forward and stood side by side with there brother

Klelthin said "We will return Arcadians do not fret."

Rodger stood silent as the stone soldier he is and nodded in agreement.

With the Brothers speech ended we watched as Charles opened the gate and the brothers began to wander into the forest.

Klelthin looked at the ground and noticed boot marks in the mud.

He spoke "Tober I have found Arcanes tracks they are fresh, She is not far from here maybe a hours journey."

Tober replied "Alright we shall follow the tracks then, but be aware of ambushes."

Rodger stood in the back watching for signs of flank.

After half a hour of following the tracks, They began to hear running water.

Rodger finally spoke "We need to refresh on water anyway and there may be fish to scavenge."

The Brothers made there way to the waterfall edge filling there cantines with water.

Rodger heard humming and looked to the right of him there in the water stood a female VAC showering in the nearby Waterbed of the Falls.

Rodger aimed his hawkeye and shot her straight dead.

Klelthin said "Excellent Eye brother"

Rodger replied "It was no sweat Klelthin."

After another 30 minutes they finally hit the outskirts of the campsite.

They heard Arcane say "Where is Rexxusa?"

A VAC Replied "Last I heard she was showering in the waterfall bed."

Arcane replied "Alright we will wait then."

Rodger then charged in headfirst with Tober and Klelthin behind they easily shot down the unsuspecting VAC.

Arcane tried to run but then Klelthin shot her leg and she fell face first to the ground.

Tober cuffed her, and said "I should have your head on a silver platter..., But we need your Information."

Klelthin strapped her to his back and they strode back to the fortress.

When they returned everyone was horrified as they brought the traitor into the core of our operations.

Heyoh cringed at the sight of her, just like everyone else.

But oddly Ragaki licked his lips in pleasure.

They then threw her in a jail cell, awaiting to interrogate her by any means necessary.

-[End of Chapter 5]-
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BoostPowah is not online. BoostPowah
Joined: 11 Feb 2010
Total Posts: 22881
12 Aug 2013 04:00 PM
>But oddly Ragaki licked his lips in pleasure.

awww yis

[She rocks me like the rock of ages and loves me!]
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ShatteredQuantum is not online. ShatteredQuantum
Joined: 20 Aug 2012
Total Posts: 38600
12 Aug 2013 04:03 PM
yes
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Youshin is not online. Youshin
Joined: 02 Mar 2013
Total Posts: 31314
12 Aug 2013 04:04 PM
can we be jack o bandit twins

❤ Megan ❤
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Iysander is not online. Iysander
Joined: 05 Mar 2013
Total Posts: 8048
12 Aug 2013 04:04 PM
I LOVE HOW YOU PUT BUBS IN WHEN I ASKED FIRST.
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ShatteredQuantum is not online. ShatteredQuantum
Joined: 20 Aug 2012
Total Posts: 38600
12 Aug 2013 04:05 PM
bubs died ok
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Korukhan is not online. Korukhan
Joined: 23 Mar 2013
Total Posts: 894
12 Aug 2013 04:11 PM
WHEN AM I GOING TO BE IN IT
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Conankun01 is not online. Conankun01
Joined: 23 Aug 2010
Total Posts: 1301
12 Aug 2013 04:16 PM
heheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheh
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UltraReborn is not online. UltraReborn
Joined: 17 Feb 2012
Total Posts: 573
12 Aug 2013 04:21 PM
I want to be in it, qq.
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TheLittleGoomba is not online. TheLittleGoomba
Joined: 04 Aug 2012
Total Posts: 17700
12 Aug 2013 04:26 PM
Make me a main character who annoys the other main characters with my twerking skills and king lady gaga stuff
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Inysa is not online. Inysa
Joined: 18 Sep 2012
Total Posts: 4477
12 Aug 2013 05:10 PM
As a point of pride I need to comment on any story I see before doing anything else... wonderful first thing to do after I think two or three weeks of inactivity. Is that sarcasm? I don't know.


You have the exact opposite problem I said to Rodger about your format. His paragraphs are fine, but he didn't separate them. You separated them, but... well, I can't call those paragraphs.

The two biggest things you really need to focus on when making a story are 1) does the setting create an image and 2) do the characters seem 'real'. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm giving you my (... am I able to use the word professional? Not sure at this stage) opinion.

Your dialogue isn't good. Before going on that though, what your really should think about is how you use real people in these sort of stories. Almost everybody in TGI has a personal backstory, be it short or long. Most people have in their heads a character of themselves, of how the 'Arcadian-them' thinks, acts, and speaks. Especially when using figures such as the Emperor and Overlord, you can't just put down whatever comes to mind. You should always try to be respectful of what somebody portrays themselves as, in case you do something wrong. If you had the Overlord dance like a ballerina while screaming 'I eat babies', then that's the image people will have of his character. That's an extreme example, yes, but I'm just making a point.

Something I personally do is, if I need to use somebody, I ask them permission and ask what they want to be like. Anyway. Dialogue.

Characters should all have a voice. Something that, even if you didn't say who was speaking, the reader could probably tell who was speaking. For you, everybody seems to hold the same voice. Everybody speaks the same. When I say do the characters seem real, this is what I mean. You want to have the character in your head, and as them, type what they would say. I'm trying very hard to not sound like a lunatic. To write dialogue, you really have to create the character and define who they are first. You should have them to a point that if somebody asked you to act like them for a day, you would be able to. Considering I'm telling you to have multiple personalities in your head at one time, I'm not helping the image of lunacy. It's something that you can either pick up right away, or you will need to spend a fair bit of time practicing. I really say 'practice' for you.

Also, don't god-mod characters. In writing, nobody is invincible. If five people have guns trained on you, regardless of who you are, chances are you will die. The three Delargivics on the 20 Vaktovians (Who, 18 of which if I'm remembering right failed to appear despite their leader being abducted) would not happen. The Emperor, the Overlord, and the Primarch of Chapter Solem are figures of note. They wouldn't risk possibly causing the Imperium to fall apart if for some reason they died just for what little pride and honour there would be in this. In a game, they respawn. Here, they wouldn't.

And then the setting. Spend time describing the environment. Mention the sound the wind was making, the shape of the trees, the tension in the air, anything. That's where the bulk of most paragraphs come from. And that's honestly where you are lacking most. As long as you avoid repeating the same things over and over, setting is fairly simple to get used to writing.


So, the primary things to take away from this are to expand your paragraphs and work on dialogue.

And here ends another long reply... oh dear.
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ExoticMl123 is not online. ExoticMl123
Joined: 05 Oct 2011
Total Posts: 315
14 Aug 2013 11:37 AM
Can I be in it? C:
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