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| 29 Jul 2013 11:53 PM |
Prologue "Be careful, Willy," I say to my younger brother. He insisted on standing on the stone wall that overlooks the lion habitat at our local zoo. William is very persuasive for a three year-old. His adorable little blond curls flow in the wind. I laugh as I watch him put his out behind him while attempting to imitate a fierce roar. Willy leans his head back an closes his eyes. I wish I had my camera. "Be careful, Willy," I repeat. My voice more panicky and insistent this time. I watch him closely until his feet start to wobble. I think fast and jump on the stone wall, pushing him towards safety. I lose my own balance and tip backwards. Straight into the lion exhibit. People start running to the entry gate. Some are screaming or yelling. Willy is crying. They`re getting zookeepers. I think The lion`s asleep. I think. This lion is a male. I think. No one can save me. I think. This is bad. I think. I turn my head back. I don`t dare make any other movement, and I don`t take my eyes off that lion. It`s chest steadily rises up and down. I try my best to keep quiet, but I`m hyperventilating. The lion`s breaths become small and uneven. This cannot be happening. Willy`s cries turn to wails. The lion-I decide to name him Certain Death-stands up and yawn. I force myself not to make eye contact. I don`t pose a threat to Certain Death and, yet, I know he will pounce on me. Certain Death kneels down and sort of wiggles his butt. I don`t find this funny. In the moments before I will take my last breath I say, "William, look away!" I feel the blinding pain of teeth sinking into my skull. I feel hot blood pooling around me. And then, everything is gone.
(There is definitely some grammar mistakes, but I`m only human) |
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| 30 Jul 2013 12:07 AM |
| (Sorry, Just noticed a few spelling mistakes. Also do not even try to copy this! I am planning to try and get this published when it`s a complete novel.) |
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0Z0NE
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| Joined: 25 May 2010 |
| Total Posts: 7951 |
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| 30 Jul 2013 12:11 AM |
| No. I don`t even know what that is |
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| 30 Jul 2013 12:26 AM |
(This is the sort of corrected version)
Prologue
"Be careful, Willy," I say to my younger brother. He insisted on standing on the stone wall that overlooks the lion habitat at our local zoo. William is very persuasive for a three year-old. His adorable little blond curls flow in the wind. I laugh as I watch him put his arms out behind him while attempting to imitate a fierce roar. Willy leans his head back an closes his eyes. I wish I had my camera. "Be careful, Willy," I repeat. My voice more panicky and insistent this time. I watch him closely until his feet start to wobble. I think fast and jump on the stone wall, pushing him towards safety. I lose my own balance and tip backwards. Straight into the lion exhibit. People start running to the entry gate. Some are screaming or yelling. Willy is crying.
They`re getting zookeepers. I think
The lion`s asleep. I think.
This lion is a male. I think.
No one can save me. I think.
This is bad. I think. I turn my head back. I don`t dare make any other movement, and I don`t take my eyes off that lion. It`s chest steadily rises up and down. I try my best to keep quiet, but I`m hyperventilating. The lion`s breaths become small and uneven. This cannot be happening. Willy`s cries turn to wails.
The lion-I decide to name him Certain Death-stands up and yawns. I force myself not to make eye contact. I don`t pose a threat to Certain Death and, yet, I know he will pounce on me. Certain Death kneels down and sort of wiggles his butt. I don`t find this funny.
In the moments before I will take my last breath I say, "William, look away!" I feel the blinding pain of teeth sinking into my skull. I feel hot blood pooling around me. And then, everything is gone. |
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| 30 Jul 2013 12:34 AM |
| I`ll explain what just happened really quick. The girl in the story saved her brother from falling into the lion exhibit. She fell instead and was killed by the lion. |
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fathat121
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| Joined: 26 Dec 2009 |
| Total Posts: 1926 |
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| 30 Jul 2013 12:41 AM |
No offense, but you should always consider editing, and revising your work; before posting it. Personally, I don't think that you're bad at writing, however your words invoke no originality to my ears. What I'm trying to say is, that I think your work is too typical, and you could enhance it by elaborating with imagery, and sensory descriptions. The prologue is supposed to be the pivoting point of your story, and if you can not reform your words; from there, then your audience will condemn your publication, as "less acceptable"; whilst the story continues. You must go out of your way to search for uncharted details; to strife against the odds of infinity. You see, if all you do is attempt to attain the bigger picture; without details, then you'll only see the world in one view. Regardless, if you mark yourself upon every, little feature along the way; you'll find yourself staring down at your story through a thousand different perspectives.
Here are some of my tips. 1. Always indent your writing. (I am aware that you most likely did this, and Roblox edited it, so that it would not appear, however this is just precautionary). 2. Plot is a complex thing, so do not be afraid to alter it, yet at the same time, keeping the story realistic. 3. Experience new things to grasp a better understanding during your work. 4. Expand your vocabulary to write in greater detail. 5. Do not consistently use the same word(s); switch it/them out with synonyms. 6. Your prologue should grab your reader(s)' attention(s). 7. Express your characters' attributes throughout the story; in a natural way. 8. Edit, and revise your work after every paragraph, or every few sentences. 9. Compromise the text, and read it aloud to yourself. 10. Enjoy your work. Truthfully, your writing should be important to you.
I hope this helps you in your further writings. |
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| 30 Jul 2013 12:43 AM |
| That is very interesting.. O.O |
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| 30 Jul 2013 12:59 AM |
| Thank you, those tips will be very useful as I edit and continue my story. |
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fathat121
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| Joined: 26 Dec 2009 |
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| 30 Jul 2013 02:58 AM |
(I`d added not a ton, but a little more detail. Hopefully nothing major is missing)
Prologue
"Be careful, Willy," I say to my younger brother. He insisted on standing on the stone wall that overlooks the lion habitat at our local zoo. William is very persuasive for a three year-old.
Our very own town zoo consists only of three animals people ever want to see-monkeys, bison, and lions. Like most little boys, Willy is partial to the lions.
Willy`s adorable little blond curls flow in the wind. I laugh as I watch him put his arms out behind him while attempting to imitate a fierce roar. Willy leans his head back and closes his eyes. I wish I had my camera.
"Be careful, Willy," I repeat. My voice more panicky and insistent this time. I watch him closely until his feet start to wobble. I think fast and leap onto the stone wall, shoving him towards safety. I watch his face hit the cobblestone as I lose my own balance and tip backwards. I fall for a few fast-fowarded seconds; straight into the lion exhibit. People start running to the entry gate. Some are screaming or yelling things like "Help!" and "There`s a girl with the lion!". Willy is crying. His face is bleeding and severly bruised. I`m releived I don`t have my camera now.
They`re getting zookeepers. I think
The lion`s asleep. I think.
This lion is a male. I think.
I will look worst than William soon. I think
No one can save me. I think.
This is bad. I think.
I lean my head back. I don`t dare make any other movement, and I don`t take my eyes off that lion. It`s chest steadily rises up and down. I try my best to keep quiet, but I`m hyperventilating. The lion`s breaths become small and uneven. This cannot be happening. Willy`s cries turn to wails.
The lion-I decide to name him Certain Death-stands up and yawns. I force myself not to make eye contact. I don`t pose a threat to Certain Death and, yet, I know he will pounce on me. Certain Death kneels down and sort of wiggles his butt. I do not find this funny.
In the moments before I will take my final breath, I shout, "William, look away!" I feel the blinding pain of teeth sinking into my skull. I hear the crunching as the marrow of my delicate bones is exposed. I feel hot blood pooling around me. And then, everything is gone |
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timpookie
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| Joined: 18 Aug 2011 |
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| 30 Jul 2013 03:52 AM |
| Both a great story, and very disturbing. I'm going to think about this story every time I see a lion, I think! I take it that you're going to be writing chapter 1 soon? Oh, and when you publish and become a professional author and stuff, you might want to keep in mind that this thread is still there for all to see, so I'd consider only uploading a first draft onto here. Just as a precaution. But you can do whatever you want, I guess, it IS your story, after all! |
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| 30 Jul 2013 04:29 AM |
Oh please. No ones going to take these stupid ideas. *Scribble Scribble Scribble* |
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timpookie
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| Joined: 18 Aug 2011 |
| Total Posts: 21924 |
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| 30 Jul 2013 04:32 AM |
| Can't wait until chapter one! And is the main character dead? |
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| 30 Jul 2013 05:19 PM |
| I`m working on chapter one now, and you`ll have to wait and see. |
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timpookie
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| Joined: 18 Aug 2011 |
| Total Posts: 21924 |
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| 01 Aug 2013 03:38 AM |
| Nevermind my question, I can probably tell that getting your skull pulverized by a lion can easily kill someone. |
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fathat121
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| Joined: 26 Dec 2009 |
| Total Posts: 1926 |
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| 01 Aug 2013 06:49 AM |
I think that this story relates to "after-death". Yes, I can see it; now. The tale of a youthful female's journey. One that only beckons to find purpose in life; even when "life" itself has deceased. Then again, I'm only assuming this from the title, "Angel Types". Who knows? Feasibly, she may conclude to the knowledge towards the secrets of existence, and demise. While, imaginably, almost anything could be melded into realism; referring to such a situation; that the protagonist's been placed in. Well done.
If I'm wrong, then... this is embarrassing. |
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HASARAS
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| Joined: 26 Feb 2010 |
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| 01 Aug 2013 07:12 AM |
| I'd just like to point out that domestic lions, are not really that aggressive unless you take action first. I mean, there are people who walk into lion exhibits and get to lay down next to the alpha! So the likelihood of her getting eaten is actually pretty small, even if zookeepers were really far away. Just sayin'. |
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| 01 Aug 2013 07:26 AM |
Faty@ That... Actually makes sense? |
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| 01 Aug 2013 12:30 PM |
@fathat: You are very close, just not exactly there. |
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fathat121
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| Joined: 26 Dec 2009 |
| Total Posts: 1926 |
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| 01 Aug 2013 06:07 PM |
| Good; you must always perceive your audience from the truth; until your generation arises. |
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| 01 Aug 2013 06:17 PM |
| Fathat is a rare person who actually wants to help people other than tearing them down. |
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fathat121
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| Joined: 26 Dec 2009 |
| Total Posts: 1926 |
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| 01 Aug 2013 07:56 PM |
| Why thank you. Recently, I've been trying to downgrade the harshness of my criticism. |
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| 02 Aug 2013 12:06 AM |
| HEADS UP! Be on a look-out for Chapter 1, I`m almost done typing it up. |
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