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| 23 Jul 2013 05:44 PM |
| Drake Jackson Deeps was eight years old when he came to ponyville. He was sick, hungry, tired. When he reached the skirts of Ponyville. He was amazed to see so many things. Drake walked to the town area, ponies were shocked and confused what he was. They even started whispering. This made Drake feel uncomfortable. Then one of the ponies shouted "Get him!" The ponies started running after him. He had no idea why. He didn't question to run for his life though. He ran to the edge of the forest where he hid in a bush crying softly. Drake heard a soft humming near him. He started to Hypervale. The humming stopped and it was coming closer to him. The pony opend the bush and drake screamed out of fright. He started wailing. "Please don't hurt me! I didn't know how I got here! I have no idea what's going on! Ple-" The yellow mare put her hoove on his lips. "Shhhhhhhh,It's ok. I'm not gonna hurt you." Drake looked up at her. "Y-Your not?" she looked at him calmly and replied "Of coarse not. Don't be afraid. My, you look sick. Please come with me. I will take care of you." Drake looked at her in suprise and hugged her. "Oh my...T-thank you." she said in a sweet voice. "My name is fluttershy. What's yours?" He looked in shyness and said "Drake. My name is Drake." Fluttershy brought Drake home to her cottage and layed him down to rest. "Don't worry. Your safe with me." She blew out the candle for drake and left him to sleep. For next two days, Fluttershy took well care of drake. She introduced her friends to him. Rainbow dash taught him to fly. Rarity made him clothes in her fashion style. Pinkie cheered him up when he was sad. Twilight found out drake had some fire element in him that way he could control and absorb fire. She helped him control it. The next day Drake went to get apples for Fluttershy as she has run out. The ponies were giving him dirty looks and more whispering. Drake just tried to ignore it untill a pony tripped him on purpose which made him fall hard on his sides. All the ponies near him laughed at his humiliation. He got up and cried back to the cottage. Fluttershy saw he ran to the bedroom and went to check on him. "D-Drake are you ok?" He only replied in a sobbing voice. "H-how can I go out feeling like such a freak?" Fluttershy looked at him sadly then said "Drake. You are not a freak. You are special the way you are." Fluttershy got up the bed near him and drake turned around hugging her. "Fluttershy? You'll never leave me right? " She looked at him calmly. "Drake. I promise you I will never leave you. I will always be there for you." Fluttershy holded him tight. "Shhhhhh. It's ok Drake. It's alright." She layed him down to rest. She then sang a soft lullaby to him. Drake fell asleep. "Goodnight Drake." She blows out the candle. (END OF PART ONE) |
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whats164
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| Joined: 11 Jun 2011 |
| Total Posts: 14331 |
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| 23 Jul 2013 05:45 PM |
| Why should I give any damns? |
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| 23 Jul 2013 05:45 PM |
| is the sad part how badly written this is |
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waffle502
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| Joined: 25 May 2011 |
| Total Posts: 12155 |
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| 23 Jul 2013 05:47 PM |
| got to ponyville then stoped reading |
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| 23 Jul 2013 05:51 PM |
| ok wow i actually bothered reading this whole thing and wow wtf |
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| 23 Jul 2013 05:53 PM |
The only reason you people hate it is because you're not bronies.
Forgive me, if I withhold my enthusiasm. |
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| 23 Jul 2013 05:54 PM |
| are you being serious? do you not realize how badly written this is? |
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| 23 Jul 2013 05:54 PM |
| got to ponyville then stoped reading [2] |
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| 23 Jul 2013 05:55 PM |
>are you being serious? do you not realize how badly written this is?
I will admit, it's not the best. But you are criticizing him because you're not a brony.
Forgive me, if I withhold my enthusiasm. |
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| 23 Jul 2013 05:56 PM |
"I will admit, it's not the best. But you are criticizing him because you're not a brony."
um no i am not? obviously the pony content is creepy but good lord the grammar and structure and plot and dialogue and everything about it is dreadful |
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| 23 Jul 2013 05:56 PM |
| got to ponyville then stopped reading [3] |
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| 23 Jul 2013 05:56 PM |
@Taylor:
I'm a brony, and this SUCKS. |
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| 23 Jul 2013 05:56 PM |
| Yet. I may not be a good story writer. But at least I tried. al least give me credit for trying. |
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cbot100
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| Joined: 02 Jun 2008 |
| Total Posts: 35 |
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| 23 Jul 2013 05:58 PM |
Did not read one after the first sentence.
do not read it hurts the eyes |
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yoyo774
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| Joined: 22 Feb 2011 |
| Total Posts: 577 |
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| 23 Jul 2013 06:58 PM |
| I understand the way it's written is terrible, but you don't have to openly diss him, he tried to write a nice story and I think we should all at least give him credit for doing his best. It's his first story and he'll improve. If you don't like it, just leave and not like it yourself, don't come and hate. |
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| 23 Jul 2013 06:59 PM |
| the last sentence goes into present tense when it should have stayed past tense |
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| 23 Jul 2013 07:15 PM |
| sᴛᴏᴘ ʙᴇɪɴɢ sᴜᴄʜ ᴀ ʙɪᴛᴄʜ ᴍᴀɴ You're so stupid.... |
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tahu157
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| Joined: 16 Nov 2008 |
| Total Posts: 15045 |
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| 23 Jul 2013 07:16 PM |
| There are these things, they're called paragraphs. Ever heard of them? |
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| 23 Jul 2013 07:17 PM |
| Yes I have. I am going to do the story on this site called Wattpad. Where I can make it more intresting. |
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| 23 Jul 2013 07:27 PM |
| got to ponyville then stoped reading [4] |
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| 23 Jul 2013 07:29 PM |
@horror:
Don't make anymore stories. |
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