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Re: a really bad start to a story I wrote lol

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cooldude816 is not online. cooldude816
Joined: 03 Jan 2009
Total Posts: 27759
06 Jun 2013 03:41 PM
idk if I should carry it on.

Desolation was all around me. The world I once knew had gone, it could never be the same. My planet, my home had been torn apart quite literally. I look up to see a shard of rock and molten lava, the size of the moon, floating away in the darkness. It looked like it was glowing, but the atmosphere here has been changed tremendously. I have special breathing apparatus stitched to the inside of my mouth. Hurts as hell, but so glad I had it installed. No human could ever live on this planet anymore, this had been turned into a living hell. 
A trickle ran down my scar-bruised face,  I wiped it to find I was crying, reality hit me, I was alone forever. I had been to caught up, not facing the truth, not believing. I feel myself frantically trying to put two and two together, but always equaling five, there was no hope, I was lost. My mind was clouded, I couldn't believe what was around me.  Looking around me, I examine the torn landscape. How did I get here? 
Turning, I take my military supplied bag off my back, a normal brown bag to overseers. I unbuckle a hook, and undo a latch to find it needs a 4 digit code. Inserting the code, it then immediately asks for fingerprint identification. As it scans my finger, it tries to search for a signal to search me on any databases. I look up again, to see another piece of floating rock, smaller than the last, but still a part of Earth. Turning back to the bag, I see it has malfunctioned and failed. I flip out my E14-S from my belt, (a standard issue pistol, silenced and deadly) and shoot the locket. I grab my night vision goggles, E17 (Semi-automatic machine gun, not silenced) and a strap. I quickly thread the strap through the slots on the E17, press a rusted button on the butt of the weapon, and it comes to life. Blue lights appear indicating power, ammo and aim of the weapon. I throw the bag over my shoulder, replace the E14 into my belt, and move forward with E17 in hand, on a quest to find somewhere to survive. 
I take a step, and quickly realise I'm in no shape to move, and collapse to the floor. A picture, there is a picture in front of my face. I stare at it, unable to take my eyes away. It's me and my long gone wife.. Her brunet hair, brown eyes, slim body and fabulous smile made me crumble. There I was being awkward, blonde hair, deep blue eyes, 6ft 2" in height. The picture was more of a mug shot, but I loved her so much, I treasured the picture forever. But then I notice something, something I had never seen before, I pick the picture up and hold it to my face. A man looking at a picture, with a being looking at him, gun to his head. I blink, and everything comes back to me. She was an artist, and her paintings were so obscure..
I shake. Look up. Take my last breath! Bang!
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Richochet is not online. Richochet
Joined: 11 Jun 2008
Total Posts: 10773
06 Jun 2013 03:41 PM
Bang!
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cooldude816 is not online. cooldude816
Joined: 03 Jan 2009
Total Posts: 27759
06 Jun 2013 03:42 PM
Crash!
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yuiopp is not online. yuiopp
Joined: 26 Mar 2010
Total Posts: 5695
06 Jun 2013 03:43 PM
Needs more booty
If ya know what I mean
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Lazia is not online. Lazia
Joined: 28 Apr 2012
Total Posts: 11153
06 Jun 2013 03:44 PM
How i write story's:


The end.
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cooldude816 is not online. cooldude816
Joined: 03 Jan 2009
Total Posts: 27759
06 Jun 2013 03:44 PM
yui
idk what you mean
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yuiopp is not online. yuiopp
Joined: 26 Mar 2010
Total Posts: 5695
06 Jun 2013 03:45 PM
Uh...
BEWBZ
And lots of em
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cooldude816 is not online. cooldude816
Joined: 03 Jan 2009
Total Posts: 27759
06 Jun 2013 03:46 PM
um
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Killer6199 is not online. Killer6199
Joined: 15 Aug 2008
Total Posts: 42327
06 Jun 2013 03:47 PM
[ Content Deleted ]
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clonetrooper039 is not online. clonetrooper039
Joined: 27 Oct 2011
Total Posts: 11808
06 Jun 2013 03:47 PM
:o
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cooldude816 is not online. cooldude816
Joined: 03 Jan 2009
Total Posts: 27759
06 Jun 2013 03:47 PM
Killer, like I said
"really bad"
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Killer6199 is not online. Killer6199
Joined: 15 Aug 2008
Total Posts: 42327
06 Jun 2013 03:52 PM
[ Content Deleted ]
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TheGoldenFlamingo is not online. TheGoldenFlamingo
Joined: 05 Jun 2013
Total Posts: 22
06 Jun 2013 03:52 PM
Garbage
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Silveradodude is not online. Silveradodude
Joined: 22 Jan 2009
Total Posts: 1743
06 Jun 2013 03:52 PM
hehehe 'a trickle ran down my scar-bruised face'

wut type of trickle

http://www.roblox.com/maek-me-a-happeh-moo-moo-item?id=115595568
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teslobo is not online. teslobo
Joined: 27 Mar 2010
Total Posts: 18828
06 Jun 2013 03:53 PM
When the first word to a story is desolation, you know the rest of it is gunna' suck.

{Honesty is a hurtful policy}
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Lissitski is online. Lissitski
Joined: 19 Dec 2009
Total Posts: 30369
06 Jun 2013 03:54 PM
Pretty good.

Try to develop it a bit more though.
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